[for readers, you mite not get this.. i dont think its exactly organized or anything... just me going on and on cause theres no one to talk to..]
say it in my face. bringggg it.
dont go looking for someone that isnt involved to tell me. YOU tell me.
you know that i wont say anything to ones that arent involve. you cheated.
you dont need to go telling everybody.
whats gossip going to do?
talk. lets talk. define talk. you're yelling.
im sick of this, its not even my ears that are ringing, its my head all together.
stop putting it off, its going to come back. lets get it over with.
encouragement? respect? ya? ya? uhh NO. thanks for trying, i was paying attention, and that was pure bull.
from expectations. respect. to nothing.
im scared of you now... i give up. is that what you want? im done with this, i dont want to be a part of it. i dont want to be here.
leave me alone. let me walk. but you wont let me. everything i do has to be approved by you. really. its not necessary. hope you got that. but i doubt, cause who knows how many times ive told you that already...
whats there for me to do that you cant pick on? im human, let me make the mistake then not letting me, its almost like i dont trust what you say.. you've let me down.. and i dont know, but i cant seem to take your word for it. id rather fall and see so for myself.
the things you say are far, its harsh. things that shouldnt even be thought of, and you're saying it? dry. burnn. fine. i'll take it.
but i'll never forget. i promise you. and i hope you remember what you said, and take into consideration what it did to me, words that will change how i think, how i feel for you, and how it will change me in a whole. all summed up in those few words, make me feel useless, worthless, and i just dont belong. why do you want me to feel that way? i never wanted that for you..
for who you are, i shouldnt need to look elsewhere for the things you should be providing, encouragement, caring words, love. it disappoints me.
i dont mean to do the things i do, if i do it, i'll feel bad for it, count on it that i'll come and apologize. but you dont feel that way. to you, its like you do nothing wrong.
im sorry that i let you down, at least it'll only affect me no matter what happens. but i didnt do it on purpose. i swear. but those expectations you put on me, i warned you ahead of time.
i dont like witnessing disappointment, and even more if i caused it, i didnt want to give you details..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i just want to go away. away from just everything.
loose myself in an empty room with no memories, music up to the max, so i cant even hear myself think
mbee then i can get my sanity back.
bring me back to sanity. i lift my arms up to You, hold me up and take control, cause i just cant.
there is a limit to your restrictions.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
with tears streaming down my face, doing nothing wrong. taking the blame, and i walk up to you and i say sorry. as long as it'll patch things up, i think its important that at least i say it, in every situation, i dont believe that i was fully right, whatever i was doing may of encouraged it, whatever it may be, i dont regret my apology. now i did my part, are you up to doing yours? i just wish that i wont have to do it again, for the same reason...
Friday, November 16, 2007
5 months
within around 5 months, may 25th to oct 5th, that my mom went away to support her sister, my aunt, while she suffered through cancer...
--i've never been away from my mom for so long... never.
and it hurt me so much, when she left, especially while i was on a trip, and i didnt know.
all i got when i got home was a note that she left, telling me that she was gone. and she didnt even know for how long..
for 5 months i had to learn the things she taught me previously that i barely ever used, like cooking, laundry, or just the mother job altogether.
i was forced to learn how to be independent, and to do almost everything myself, from getting up in the morning without someone pulling me out of bed, meals, to just getting somewhere.
i didnt have to take all the lecturing that she always had for me.
i had less restrictions, i just didnt have as many arguments as my mom would be the one i had most arguments with since i saw her the most.
now that shes back, im so glad that i dont have to do all the chores anymore, and i have my mother back..
but i think i changed a lot over this summer, for the good and for the bad...
i learned to be independent, i dont need as much assistance as i did before. im more mature, i've grown closer to God.
but im not as patient anymore, i use to always had to be, for my mom, just to get along, but now its like i cant take all those lectures, they're hours long, and its almost like i lost the ability or patience to talk to her like human beings.
i learned to be on my own, and do everything myself without supervision, and now its like i have to be monitored, like i cant be trusted to do anything. it feels insulting almost, its frustrating, im telling her that i can do it, but she doesnt hear me.
im really glad about summer07, i learned so much, and did so many things that i just wasnt really allowed, restricted from, i've experienced good and bad, and learned to deal with them.
but now its like my privileges have been taken away and i cant really get along with my mom as well as i use to.
[if its not one thing after another, or just everything coming all at once.. ]
--i've never been away from my mom for so long... never.
and it hurt me so much, when she left, especially while i was on a trip, and i didnt know.
all i got when i got home was a note that she left, telling me that she was gone. and she didnt even know for how long..
for 5 months i had to learn the things she taught me previously that i barely ever used, like cooking, laundry, or just the mother job altogether.
i was forced to learn how to be independent, and to do almost everything myself, from getting up in the morning without someone pulling me out of bed, meals, to just getting somewhere.
i didnt have to take all the lecturing that she always had for me.
i had less restrictions, i just didnt have as many arguments as my mom would be the one i had most arguments with since i saw her the most.
now that shes back, im so glad that i dont have to do all the chores anymore, and i have my mother back..
but i think i changed a lot over this summer, for the good and for the bad...
i learned to be independent, i dont need as much assistance as i did before. im more mature, i've grown closer to God.
but im not as patient anymore, i use to always had to be, for my mom, just to get along, but now its like i cant take all those lectures, they're hours long, and its almost like i lost the ability or patience to talk to her like human beings.
i learned to be on my own, and do everything myself without supervision, and now its like i have to be monitored, like i cant be trusted to do anything. it feels insulting almost, its frustrating, im telling her that i can do it, but she doesnt hear me.
im really glad about summer07, i learned so much, and did so many things that i just wasnt really allowed, restricted from, i've experienced good and bad, and learned to deal with them.
but now its like my privileges have been taken away and i cant really get along with my mom as well as i use to.
[if its not one thing after another, or just everything coming all at once.. ]
Thursday, November 15, 2007
how i feel [r i g h t n o w]
break my heart for what breaks yours.
been there
done that
i hate when you treat me this way, i hate stepping down and let you walk all over me for no reason. but when you get upset, why is it that i just have to come help you up.. knowing that when you're better, you're just going to do the same thing all over again. i hate you, but i hate to see you hurt more.
i learned to not depend on anyone, but myself. if i screw up, i'll only affect me. i dont need to compromise, i dont need to consider how people think of it, if they approve.
i have a habit to deny and suspect everyone's motives before i let them affect me emotionally, only leads to being rebellious actions.
dont bring on a challenge when im stressed or frustrated, i'll accept and either or both of us will be hurt in the end.
frustration. drama. argument. when will it stop?
[i have a headache..]
been there
done that
i hate when you treat me this way, i hate stepping down and let you walk all over me for no reason. but when you get upset, why is it that i just have to come help you up.. knowing that when you're better, you're just going to do the same thing all over again. i hate you, but i hate to see you hurt more.
i learned to not depend on anyone, but myself. if i screw up, i'll only affect me. i dont need to compromise, i dont need to consider how people think of it, if they approve.
i have a habit to deny and suspect everyone's motives before i let them affect me emotionally, only leads to being rebellious actions.
dont bring on a challenge when im stressed or frustrated, i'll accept and either or both of us will be hurt in the end.
frustration. drama. argument. when will it stop?
[i have a headache..]
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Thursday, November 01, 2007
response.
please read this qoute carefully, it took some time for me to just retrieve it, like an hour.., it has little to do with what i have to blog about, but i think its something that everyone should think about...
It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship. - Henry Ward Beecher
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
first of all, to the persons blog or post, yet to be posted..
i just thought i should tell you, im really impressed? proud? look up to you to be able to tell how you really really feel like that.
and also, "[missing/unknown] 'pieces of information' about you" i think that if person thinks of you as close friends with you, its necessary to show all of you and not hide things from them. Hiding things from a friend is like lying to me, lying about the truth, and i do mean full truth.
also, i personally dont think that anyone, or just me, deserves or have the right to be angry at anyone, they're my friend and i dont think i should be mad or angry at her for trying to fix things, and i do owe an apology, for being difficult and not really co-operative. you were trying to fix things and i pulled back, i still think of you as a friend, so i should trust you, but i didnt and pulled back.. and thats just not a quality of a friend. and i apologize for it. --im sorry that i made things difficult for you.
i didnt get over anything for her, dont think of it as a favor, to me its almost like essential, because i know, or thought that it would help this situation, and thats all i wanted, for the problem to just disintegrate..
-- i can say that this has scared me, but i'll wear it to not get back to you, but to show to others, not to bring you down, but to help or prepare others that may go through this.
To wait for God to handle this, its not to give up ourselves, its like making a human pyramid. if someone is falling, you call out for help, you dont just relax til help comes, but you hold on and try as help comes..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
its true that i dont believe this is over, it wasnt talked about
and the out waiting of the problem, never really lasts, i'll be good for now, its only temporary, and i'll come back, and its possible to come back even worst, personally, i dont think i can handle that, so i do suggest that doesnt happen. Sorry if you think im being selfish and thinking that things have to be done because i dont think i can handle it, but i think it hurts everyone, and i dont think anyone wants it. and for all the friends i have that are concerned and are pulling me out of my emotional pit, thankyou i really dont think that i could be where i am right now emotionally. still up and not hiding from the world in a hole or whatever.. so thankyou.
i know a few of you are confused. im going to state them. some repeated before but i dont care, i want you to know, and to untangle your tied up strings
-its not about the guy. i dont care
-im not mad
-im still her friend
i know that i dont really let friends get too involved.. i think its a waste of their time no matter what they say or think.. but this time.. i think i need it..
this is a balancing act.. we keep each other up and get through together.. im up for it, now.. who's going to join this? im telling you now that its not going to be easy, its going to be like boot camp, its a challenge.
It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship. - Henry Ward Beecher
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
first of all, to the persons blog or post, yet to be posted..
i just thought i should tell you, im really impressed? proud? look up to you to be able to tell how you really really feel like that.
and also, "[missing/unknown] 'pieces of information' about you" i think that if person thinks of you as close friends with you, its necessary to show all of you and not hide things from them. Hiding things from a friend is like lying to me, lying about the truth, and i do mean full truth.
also, i personally dont think that anyone, or just me, deserves or have the right to be angry at anyone, they're my friend and i dont think i should be mad or angry at her for trying to fix things, and i do owe an apology, for being difficult and not really co-operative. you were trying to fix things and i pulled back, i still think of you as a friend, so i should trust you, but i didnt and pulled back.. and thats just not a quality of a friend. and i apologize for it. --im sorry that i made things difficult for you.
i didnt get over anything for her, dont think of it as a favor, to me its almost like essential, because i know, or thought that it would help this situation, and thats all i wanted, for the problem to just disintegrate..
-- i can say that this has scared me, but i'll wear it to not get back to you, but to show to others, not to bring you down, but to help or prepare others that may go through this.
To wait for God to handle this, its not to give up ourselves, its like making a human pyramid. if someone is falling, you call out for help, you dont just relax til help comes, but you hold on and try as help comes..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
its true that i dont believe this is over, it wasnt talked about
and the out waiting of the problem, never really lasts, i'll be good for now, its only temporary, and i'll come back, and its possible to come back even worst, personally, i dont think i can handle that, so i do suggest that doesnt happen. Sorry if you think im being selfish and thinking that things have to be done because i dont think i can handle it, but i think it hurts everyone, and i dont think anyone wants it. and for all the friends i have that are concerned and are pulling me out of my emotional pit, thankyou i really dont think that i could be where i am right now emotionally. still up and not hiding from the world in a hole or whatever.. so thankyou.
i know a few of you are confused. im going to state them. some repeated before but i dont care, i want you to know, and to untangle your tied up strings
-its not about the guy. i dont care
-im not mad
-im still her friend
i know that i dont really let friends get too involved.. i think its a waste of their time no matter what they say or think.. but this time.. i think i need it..
this is a balancing act.. we keep each other up and get through together.. im up for it, now.. who's going to join this? im telling you now that its not going to be easy, its going to be like boot camp, its a challenge.
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