wishful heart?

i have a perseverant heart. and i kinda hate it. i dont like this inner force that makes me pessimistic but at the same time, still very optimistic. the feeling or thinking that, if i try hard enough, if i put all my heart into it -it would work out.

i should of learned that life isnt like that. but my heart refuses to learn the lesson. i wish i could give up on love sometimes. it really hurts down deep. just give up til i know i wont let myself get hurt.

but whats all this, wishful thinking. and that my friend. gets me no where.

wish

maybe you were right.. the whole thing about wishing..

i might be a bit naive, or just too hopeful for my own good..

i dont believe that wishing gets me anywhere; like i dont actually believe that wishing on 11:11, on shooting stars and all those things will grant me what i want, or just wishing.. but a part of me still wants to believe that maybe it will, and that theres no harm in wishing anyway..

but lately, i really dont even bother; whenever i wish anything, i’d think about what it is that i want, and from there it just grows, usually ends up growing into self caused heartbreaking disappointment.

gotta love how i do these things to myself… x_X

“Every song has a memory. Every song has the ability to make or break your heart.”

distract me from myself.

i miss working.. or just going out with people. anyone for any reason - even if its just to school studying.

i have to force myself to be happy, appear happy cause i have to be for work; leave all your own moods behind when youre at work. when im out with friends, i dont want others to worry over me, or turn the mood blue just cause i am. so i pretend to be happy, dont get me wrong, i am happy being with everyone, i just dont let other things ruin my mood.

its like within the time im pretending that im happy, i convince myself that i am.

being alone is good, but not for too long. its like i get sucked into this downward spiral that i make for myself.. my own mind is a dangerous place for me to explore alone..

take me out - distract me from myself..

faith.hope.courage.patience. love.

faith.
on this relationship to work out as God has intended to.
that we will be granted with wisdom to solve this heartbreak.

hope.
to at least make it out together as friends.
that you wont hate me.

courage.
to hear all the hate from you and to not react negatively.
to talk things out and not just sweep it under the carpet.

patience.
knowing that we're both hurt and broken.
to not rush a conclusion

love.

You my Lord, is the answer to everything.

Lord heavenly father,

i lift my auntie up to you Lord, shes been suffering from cancer for far too long. it spread all over her body, disintegrating her slowly and painfully. the medicines and fear transformed her; her whole personality has been replaced with negativity, and skepticism. medicines have failed to heal her physically and family and friends have failed to bring her any comfort. Lord, im coming to you, to help her open her heart and speak to her. you know the key to her heart Lord, and i pray that you would soften her, yet give her courage and strength against her disease, Lord, help her understand that faith in You, can overcome anything that the world throws. Lord, please help all the people around her, shine your light of understanding and wisdom.

i also pray for my cousins, and their parent's relationship Lord. Their broken each in their own way and angry at each other. and their children are suffering silently as their not considered in their actions. Lord, i pray for protection for them, and older people for them talk to for comfort and wisdom. i pray for their parents, that they would come to you for peace in their hearts and mind, patience with each other and wisdom to solve their problems.

Lord i pray for my boyfriend, doctor's say that his heart is unhealthy. I pray that he learns to make daily adjustments to his lifestyle to help his heart.. Lord, thank you for working so much in him, it brings me so much joy to see him read the Bible - growing in You. i pray for strength for me to help him, to be there for him, be strong for him when he needs me.

i pray for my family, for us to have patience with each other, learn from each other and look to You for solutions and peace when things arent always right. Thank you for bringing us back together, even when we were all so broken. Only with your power Lord. Only with your power, anything you wish will be. You my Lord, is the answer to everything.

Amen.