RIP toto

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
— Marilyn Monroe

i guess i can say that that’s what happened; a relationship fell apart, and a better fuzzy companion fell into my lap..

— but what if the “better thing” then came and took away a good thing that i had from before?

I’m entirely made of flaws, tied together with good intentions.

i wanted something, i wanted zeus. so i took responsibility for everything. but i didnt mean for it to —

toto (sept30.06 - feb1.11) on our mid-construction stairs. iloveyou.

.

‘hugo consumtion of chocolate. ‘now for the endorphins to kick in.

—i sound like a drug addict. but i dont care

wishful heart?

i have a perseverant heart. and i kinda hate it. i dont like this inner force that makes me pessimistic but at the same time, still very optimistic. the feeling or thinking that, if i try hard enough, if i put all my heart into it -it would work out.

i should of learned that life isnt like that. but my heart refuses to learn the lesson. i wish i could give up on love sometimes. it really hurts down deep. just give up til i know i wont let myself get hurt.

but whats all this, wishful thinking. and that my friend. gets me no where.

wish

maybe you were right.. the whole thing about wishing..

i might be a bit naive, or just too hopeful for my own good..

i dont believe that wishing gets me anywhere; like i dont actually believe that wishing on 11:11, on shooting stars and all those things will grant me what i want, or just wishing.. but a part of me still wants to believe that maybe it will, and that theres no harm in wishing anyway..

but lately, i really dont even bother; whenever i wish anything, i’d think about what it is that i want, and from there it just grows, usually ends up growing into self caused heartbreaking disappointment.

gotta love how i do these things to myself… x_X

“Every song has a memory. Every song has the ability to make or break your heart.”

distract me from myself.

i miss working.. or just going out with people. anyone for any reason - even if its just to school studying.

i have to force myself to be happy, appear happy cause i have to be for work; leave all your own moods behind when youre at work. when im out with friends, i dont want others to worry over me, or turn the mood blue just cause i am. so i pretend to be happy, dont get me wrong, i am happy being with everyone, i just dont let other things ruin my mood.

its like within the time im pretending that im happy, i convince myself that i am.

being alone is good, but not for too long. its like i get sucked into this downward spiral that i make for myself.. my own mind is a dangerous place for me to explore alone..

take me out - distract me from myself..

faith.hope.courage.patience. love.

faith.
on this relationship to work out as God has intended to.
that we will be granted with wisdom to solve this heartbreak.

hope.
to at least make it out together as friends.
that you wont hate me.

courage.
to hear all the hate from you and to not react negatively.
to talk things out and not just sweep it under the carpet.

patience.
knowing that we're both hurt and broken.
to not rush a conclusion

love.