rant...

*sigh* at the moment.. i only wish i can cry.. its like.. stress + tiredness + shock + frustration + disappointment + anger + confusion + sadness + hopelessness + worry-- all rolled into one big fat emotion.. i can’t cry. all i can do it sit there. crawl up into a ball. and mope. it feels so bad.. helpless even.. ><
ya ya.. i was complaining that i cry. now i can only wish i can. normally.. once i’m happy. it takes quite a lot to make me frown.. but not today.. the second i got my mark. my grin. smile? was an instant frown. millimeters to tears. but tears wouldn’t fall. i have this feeling in my heart.. so uncomfortable..[nxt thing u know.. i have a heart prob -__-]
i know that everything happens for a reason.. but this is like.. so difficult.. i feel alone. where’s god’s support when I have no one else around me? it really doesn’t feel that he was present… but i still have faith that he’ll make it somehow manageable. that my parents understand and give me a chance.. and for me to catch up.. and for everything to calm down and for me to be able to rest..
as if that there’s something wrong.. all the time.. one problem right after another.. or.. altogether.. so hard to have a good time without my mind wondering back to my worries.
makes me want to scream – yet i can’t.

can’t wait til I can get over this.. and blog a nice happy blog… *fingers crossed * wishing * waiting * hopping* praying*

thankss

well.. what can i say.. to all the people who asked me whats wrong these 2 weeks.. well. i don't exactly feeling like telling the world.. not that i dont trust you or whatever.. but more like.. its how i am.. i dont like troubling people.. i like people happy. why spoil they're day and have them listen to me.. and like.. i dont feel that i can't handle whatever it is on my own.. so im a bit stubborn.. i try to handle it myself whether i know i can or not.. until it has gone too far and need help.. but much appreciated that you ask.. shows that you care, its encouraging to me.. though you dont know what the situation is..
normally.. im always happy and -- not crying.. -_- but these two weeks were different for some reason.. i couldn't hold it in.. i just broke out.. which makes me feel.. so .. weak? hm..

** thx for caring . asking . staying with me . and so on..

i'm not going to name everyone that was there that was there that lent a shoulder.. but i'll name.. .. 4 that first comes to my mind..

mary
jenn
wes
agnes

--but thx to every1 else too.. i really really really(!!!) apreciate it..

lots and lots of love to all.. thxxx <3

problem me

is it normal to always get distracted by.. everything? these days, i've been distracted mostly my thoughts. everything, im thinking it over and over, going deeper and deeper, i think im over examining everthing..[and thats all work time..]

its like everything is somehow not going smooth.

definitly not my marks

family

little bit in friends

i'm always thinking that im doing something wrong. but am i? i dont know anymore. its almost like im always wrong, so wrong that it feels wrong to be right. its getting so hard to stay cheerful. broke down a bit once on sunday. doesn't feel like it helped tho. its really bothering me.. yet its hard to say what it is thats bothering me.. which only makes it harder to solve... hopefully time can sooth it...

down with the marks

now.. my marks are going down so much.. i haven't never.. in my life.. have done so bad, with no exaggeration. need help with.. mathhh, sciencee, techh and yea... i'm almost.. very close to failing this term. now... thats all for now..

delayed fallfest post

fallfest.. i was looking so forward to it.. and i was there.. and it started off.. not really the best.. but manageable. then the preperation wasn't the most cheerful... i was put off by it for sure.. like.. it may of been fun for some.. definitly it was, but for me - naw. and the booth.. i got the ever-so-fun hockey booth.. with michelle and mary.. not to critize but.. not everyone was helping other than talking and eating. and the booth itself wasn't very popular. so i decided to colour.. yes. colour. a chipmunk. in a while.. i haven't exactly felt so left out and alone when im not. expecially while im at church.. *sigh* some things never change.. and so that was a summary of fallfest..