random-nesss

after the storm,
the rainbow is high,
bright in colours.
birds flying high,
free...
and now,
i'm finally flying with them...

i have no idea why i wrote that.. sorta how i feel? sorta.. but its .. I HAVE NO IDEA.. but i just felt like blogging it.. YES i am weird..

imu katy!

awww.. katy is going to hk for 3 weeks.. this friday to january 6th... my dear neighbor.. how much i'll miss having her around..
hugs for katy!
and aww.. she was fully not wanting to go home yet today.. i'd make my dad stay.. but knowing him.. he'd get a migraine.. and i dont want to be held responsible for his grumpy-ness..

few thoughts on my mind...

acceptance.. one that i've struggled with for as long as i can remember... i may have a lot of friends, but not too many are close.. and i couldn't say that i feel accepted even by them..

i miss the time where i had a best friend with me in school... we were together all the time.. we were like inseparable.. i felt accepted.. i had someone there.. all the time.. but when somehow we got into a fight.. that i really didn't start.. and i lost her.. it really hurt.. i fully tore me apart.. i felt so lonely.. like i just lost something really precious.. i miss that feeling of safety.. someone always there.. but i'm terrified of that feeling of being ripped apart.. i still have flashbacks.. i ran away to the ravine fence.. and i sat there crying.. it was so painful.. i didn't do anything.. and i only wish i did.. so i can appologize.. so that everything will go back to normal.. and it hurt.. she decides to start being good friends with another girl.. that 'lead' a group.. one that i grew up with.. that pretty much did the same to me around a year before..

i think that's how i started getting.. scared to be alone-phobia.. whatever the word is.. but i don't know what'd i'd do if i had to got through it again.. i dont know what i did to deserve it.. i wish i did.. so i will know.. and not to do it again.. so for all the people who read this... and everyone else.. i'm sorry if i ever did anything to you.. i am.. promise.

i hate.. being there.. with 'friends' and all of a sudden.. they turn their backs.. quite literally. it hurts.. some people will never experience this.. like they just had a beautiful path given to them.. that everyone would love them without even working.. as for some.. earning it.. and sometimes.. just given a bad earn.. its almost like school. there are the kids that never listen in class. always the ones talking.. fooling around. but get the high marks.. for some, they work work work but they might not even get there.. or sometimes.. a full let down and they get a low mark.. something like that i guess..

after so many years.. acceptance has still claimed a place in my problems list.. hopefully. one day. it'll go away. for good. until that day.. i'll have to work my way around it.. and through it..

responsibility

goodness.. the things that i always end up doing.. i always end up doing things that i dont have to.. i always end up doing things for people.. taking up other's responsiblities.. right now.. i think i just took on 4 (?) things.. and really.. its getting on my nerves.. i can barely handle all the responsiblities that i have on my own.. and a thing about me.. if i was doing something for someone.. i would put in my hardest.. that also relates to time and energy.. which takes away from my homework time/energy..
history.. i dont like my history teacher.. hardest marker [backed up by many] she gives the shortest time to accomplish the assignments . hardest marker . picky . takes a ton of marks off for the littlest things . and she likes to give extra assignments that no other class has... this is driving me crazy..
Civics.. here comes the pressure.. last assignment.. and its worth 10% of our mark.. yikess..
so much more.. but.. dont feel like going on and on about school.. if its not on my mind enoughh.. ><"
family.. i guess its ok.. that's only because we've been barely speaking to eachother.. -_- green iggs and hammm.. this sucks.. so lonely...

but i'm still happy.. and i'm making it last.. cannot wait til christmas.. 20 days!!!

status: =DDD

well.. its been a while since i've been =DDD but im so glad to be.. off the top today.. .. no reason really.. but i miss my ET's too much.. <> to ALL.. =) anyway.. so just today proved a bit of what i think.. im weird..

i think that its not always a good thing to always tell someone to "smile" when they're sad.. its ok to sometimes.. but for me.. its like.. once ur sad.. why not just let it all out so u'll be over it.. but if you were like me.. easily forced to smile.. its not always so great. cuz its almost like making you put on a fake smile and fake being happy.. and for me it makes it all go straight to bottle-ing.. but sometimes.. its like.. its impossible to even grin.. so it can help.. to take u out of the hole if ur in too deep.

i dont think i made a lot of sense.. anyways.. byessss EvErYoNe! <333