imu mommy+auntie wenda

mommy's almost coming home! well thats what i heard from my aunt last nite(sept29th...) and wow.. so much to take in under fifteen minutes..

i was talking to my aunt in hong kong through webcam.. my aunt has cancer for the second time, final stage, limited time on earth, chemo.. seeing her just broke my heart... i missed her so much.. and she looked so weak and so sick.. she says she's feeling better, but not even comparable from the last time i've seen her in person... so i asked the dumb question.. "how are you feeling?" she struggled answering me.. and she just showed me her hands... aged.. and nails turned blueblack.. it just broke my heart seeing her like this... she was always the one who had it altogether.. and always happy..
then she asked me.. "have you been praying for me?" --i answered yes.. and she just doubted.. and asked again.. i insured her that i have [cause i have] so then she asked.. "then why isnt it working?" --i just didnt have the guts to say.. not to her.. not on webcam.. what i think i should of said.. i ended up mumbling and not answering at all.. i wasnt ready for that question.. she repeatedly asked again.. and still i didnt know how i can say it.. or anything for that matter.. i wasnt prepared..

then the conversation pretty much ended.. no one was talking.. no one knew what else to say.. then i asked where mom was.. she didnt answer me.. but she asked me.. "does your mom go to church back in canada?" i wasnt expecting that question.. and neither was i able to predict what she was going to say.. i said.. yea.. sometimes.. and thats when she said.. well, she changed a lot.. she woke up early and went to church today.. so she's not here.. i was really surprised.. and worried too.. she doesnt normally go.. so i was just surprised.. and if she was going.. something really big must be bothering her a lot.. i miss her so much. <3


God give me the wisdom to tell her the right things.. <3

confushionn

im really confused...
of our relationship.
are we friends anymore?
if we are, what's the definition for our friendship..?
because i dont see it, feel it..
everything that happens feels awkward, or its done coldly, or no feeling at all..

this feels like a lie. or some kind of pity act... im not sure..

im not sure if im the only one that still has this thing burned into my head... and its next to all i think about..
you think we're ok..
how is it ok? we never solved it.. we waited it out..
and i guess you find it ok because in the situation, you didnt loose as much as i did.
you didnt get as hurt as i did..

if you want to leave it as is. its fine. but waiting it out isnt the best way i know.
but if we talk about it, is it going to end up being a fight?
i dont want to fight. not with you.

as people say.. --what's the deal?

i miss you, the old you.

dangg.
cant believe it. best friends. to almost worst enemies.
not said. but its known.
you said a lot of things that you didnt mean. i meant everything i said, and i expected the same from you. it was a serious thing, and there was no joking involved.

i dont know what to think of you anymore.

i miss you, the old you.

spare me

its bothering me that we, me at least, cant stop thinking of the situation every slight thing that can possibly relate to the people involved. i dont like that we arent comfortable with each other anymore. i dont like how we cant talk to each other without feeling awkward. or only one word responses. everything seems to be bluer than it actually is. this is all im thinking of. it hurts more than it should b e c a u s e it has something to do with you.. i've known you forever. i trusted you, and thats why it hurts just that much more.

it feels like you're being a hypocrite. or you just dont care about my feelings.
i wouldnt of done the things you did, just because i wouldnt even spare that little bit of chance that it would hurt you.
i want to spend time with you. but every time we do. either me or you will get into a bad mood. its mostly me tho...

i dont know what to do. but to say that i know you're further than me, you've got a better chance. and because of that it feels like you arent caring about how you're hurting me on the way.
i just wish we can go back to how it was, and i wish that you would spare me.

show me

actions are stronger then words.
and its true

dont tell me that you love you if you dont even say hi to me when i arrive but you say hi to everyone else

i'd rather you never say that you love me, or you're my friend.
i'll understand once you show me.


--to who i think are my sisters and bestfriends. {TG}