hellll-o. //chocolatey goodness+freshmintyness

all of a sudden.
BAM*
and i just dont know what to do. or what to think.


so there [CAK.]
crystal. ashes. katelyn
or the
(religious asian. wild child. blonde)
this year has been so unexpected for us..
ashley's now a mommy with a beautiful baby girl --issabella cachia♥

and so after one of us just hit motherhood. --katelyn vowed to have sex after marriage, we talked bout it a little, but she was always the goodietwoshoes and even before ashes belly i recall her clearly saying that she's going to save herself.

then there was today.. when she asked ashes bout the birthcontrolpills. (ashes always took them just cause she has really insane cramps during her lovely womenly week of the month) so i was like. wait. WHAT!? o_O and she spills. "you know, just in case, i can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby" ok, so looks like she wants to get some. whatever happened to saving herself?
doesnt help that we found a condom in her room either.

w h a t h a s e v e ry t h i n g c o m e t o ?


{dangg-ers.. i even used names on this post.. =O
its ok, they dont read my blog..}
-- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥

chocolatey goodness; sweeter than sugar. 'more addicting than coffee.
fresh mintyness; your breathe. and how you refresh me.


you've keep me uberly happy since ive been with you,
and you make my heart flutter
-with all the sweet messages you leave me..

i appreciate your presence,
or spirit wandering, or the thought of you always there for me, around with me; is calming and reaffirming.

i actually thinking things over before i just jump right into it, its such a change, i actually try not to hurt myself just cause i know you're going to jump into panic mode when you find out..

unfortunately i feel like im taking advantage of you,
you're doing so much more for me.. and i can barely identify the little things that i do for you..

...

{lack of the ability of writing with the recognition of the stress caused from the above emotions.}



anyway..
--you're so supercalafragalisticexpialidocious!
and nope, i dont know how to spell that long word above, i just simply used my resources ; ) but im learning it now, if that helps : P

-thanksyou-

< m + c 3

--C.

5 thoughts a handful

«rewind
;;back to last year. last summer.

--and that's what i want it to be just the way it was thenn.

» but look at me now. //
what happened? the bottle that i was bottling popped and broke.
you've used up all the little bit of me that was left.



i cant turn to you without a high guard up.
so high that all i have is angry to show,

-cant suppress it anymore.

my body wants to run, just run as far as i can from there,

-like a reflex to avoid harm.

its like i was robbed.
over and over again.
more and more of me was taken each time.
you're standing in front of me. with a hand held forward.
i've got nothing left for you to take now.
>>and im left with no choice but to run. run. run.



i notice when you look at the empty seat beside me and sit else where, even if it was less comfortable.
i hear the things you say behind my back, the real way you feel about me.
i see how you look at me, i see how you turn around and join a conversation.
i feel the rejection.

{{im highly grateful, and not a million thankyou's would not compare. God's given me one new person to watch over me as im struggling so much, so in need for someone to be there. truly and angel sent from heaven, but in human form, still with human obstacles; and we're here for each other. helping each other through. lending ears to listen. shoulders to lean.}}

B.A.S.I.C

B.A.S.I.C
brothers and sisters in Christ

i feel so strongly about the whole idea.
i even picked it for our TC name, perhaps its because i dont have any blood siblings,
but still, the i believe that the idea, still stands firm.
perhaps i dont know how brothers and sisters are like, but i thought i had an idea, and i liked how it looked in my mind. but dont think they reflect it very much..
im likely not the only one feeling this way, but i dont think that it would make me feel better than im not alone, id rather be alone. cause id mean that there would be less things like this happening..
i sense that everyone's just trying to outdo each other in this and that, trying to be better than the next person.
but what for? we all know that we have our own strengths and weaknesses. and that we're all the same in God's eyes. we should be there to help each other. make each other feel safe, that we're all special. but we're doing just the opposite. hurting people just so that we can feel more "superior" than them. its so lame. its not right.
why am i feeling threatened for trying to be nice? really, i only have one reason for being friendly to you, and even trying to be nice, because thats whats God wants us to do; love your neighbor. loving your neighbor because you love God.
i cant believe you guys can do the things you do. like i mean nothing to you. perhaps you dont. fine. but just to tell you, i care for you. you guys mean a lot to me. but that seems to be meaning less and less every time i come within contact with you. i dont think it would hurt as much if i didnt care about you guys as much either..
looks like its all on me.

im mad at you. but i dont want to make you feel guilty, im not sure why..
i forgive you, because i like you, you're my friend, and overall, because God first forgave me.
so i go along, and accompany you to things that id personally rather not go to. and once we're there, you see someone. you and run away with her knowingly ditching me.

seriously. grow up. cause sooner or later, this will happen to you. as mean as i feel saying this; i kinda look forward to that day. so you'll know how i felt. i cant believe i took so much effort to be there for you, and just be a friend. turns out to be a waste of time, and i regret it. a lot.

and things dont change as long as i want them to.
im not significant to make things like this, happen.

first claims

looks like the friendship between up turned into just a competition,
claiming things as theirs. traits. things. colours.
these little things shouldnt cause glares, hmphs or anything for that matter.
especially because we should be or are suppose to be friends.

claiming their colours in flip flops. bags. or just the colour itself.
claiming the type of sunglasses.
claiming who had a certain shirt first.
claiming a favorite. singing. piano. animals.

just claiming whos first to do something, then everyone else is copying.
i find myself caught up in this too now, just like getting it fast, because if i didnt, someone else is going to claim it, and you'd get glares if you wore or had the same thing..

i thought about a lot of things today.. and i think that we've gone just too far. i want to just ignore what others have and get. like. do. what i want. but im hesitating. just knowing that theres going to be things once again said about me. and "copying". im tired of being scared to like something, because someone else does too.

i understand that it takes away personality and uniqueness when everyone ends up liking the same thing.. but we're all friends, we know that you were the genius that introduced us to whatever you did.

at least thats what i think.. just my thoughts thrown out there..

deciding my summer

what are friends for? what a mindless question. holding quite the hard answer..

life's being difficult right now. and life's throwing a lot of complications for me to handle, yet i only have two hands.

i think God opened my closely held eyes just now. He pointed me in the right direction.. ive had my priorities all wrong. why am i wasting so much time on people who dont care? when there's someone that i feel that i've let float away to the darkened areas of my heart that i should call out to? --my aunt. shes been diagnosed with cancer for a second time since around may 07. and not even hours ago, i was informed that cancer have not only spread to numberous parts of her body, bone and blood, but now, also to her brain also. she'd stop responding to medication and treatment. days are limited for her.

why am i spending time on people that dont care? rather than reaching out to her? with His word? i should be preparing myself to reach out to her with His love and comfort that He'd shown me, as she's looking towards me to show her God. i really do hope that shes not only watching me for a reflection of God, i dont know my scripture nearly enough, and im like a mucky mirror reflecting dimmed light..

so right now im highly considering going to hongkong to see her, most likely for the last time. ive sworn that i was never going to go back, not with my mom, not over the summer (that practically means never.. cause there'd be school otherwise) but now i think God planned for this. im not in summer school, im unemployed, and theres all this mess around people. im already spending time away, advoiding, why not do something productive while im at it? i think its right for me to go, and come back before VBS or something...

i think its all set. now its just tickets.. and going and coming back in time.