RIP my beloved grandma <3
november 28, 2oo7 - 6:45pm
blessed the world for 86 years.
so today my grandma goes, the one on my mom's side, the one that i knew more, the one that cared about me most.
i dont know that much, since i dont want to ask my mom right now, but i heard that her chest hurt and the next thing, she couldnt breathe.. called ambulance, and left this cruel world while being saved.
here at home, we get a call, as my mom picks up, i hear loud crying, and my mom confused, not knowing what is happening, nor what she's saying. i had a bad feeling, and this is what it came to.
the last time i saw her was at the end of summer.o6, last year, when i went to hongkong to see my grandparents, my grandpa actually, since he's sick, growing deaf, blind, and really weak. so my grandma going first is a surprise.
i could of seen her again summer.o7 but i didnt want to go back, i missed my friends here too much, and i hated coming back and feeling out of place, i didnt want to go there cause i didnt have friends, and it seemed like i wasnt important enough for even my cousins to take the time to take me out, i went with my mom, meeting her friends, and i just seemed or felt like a show and tell thing, and thats that. i didnt go. im so selfish.
i got to see her almost once every 3-5 years, mbee more. and i cant even take some time away from my comfort zone, to spend time with my grandparents. what kind of granddaughter am i. w t c.
i remember when i was a kid, i would go to hongkong over the summer holidays, and she knew that i loved ice cream gee miy low, or just ice cream in general, and she would buy so much to fill the freezer before i got there, the fridge would be filled with yik lik daws and just all my favorite foods. she always thought that i had to eat more, and she knows that i can pack in a lot of food.. and every time i had ice cream, i saw her looking at me enjoy it, and asked me how it was.. i dont know how she loved me, i dont know how anyone can love me, i mean i was a mischievous, curious, and just had too much energy for my own good.. i tried to do a favor, ending up in a mess, for example, i wanted to be useful, and i dusted the tv, and i saw the lines in the back, and i wanted to clean in the tv too, so i poured water into the tv. and you can guess what happened..
i loved making cards for people when i was small, and i wanted to make one for my grandma, i saw watermelon on the table cloth, and i just helped myself to them, i cut them out and put in on the card.. i drowned her plants, i coloured her plants, i dropped a pebble from the 35th floor of the apartment to see it drop..(dont worry, no one was down there), i tried to catch a gecko on the wall.. through all that and so much more, she still loved me.
thinking back now, why am i so thoughtless? i was annoyed when she was asking me about anything and everything last time i saw her, summer.o6. from who are your friends? do you still go to church? how's your dad? how's school? hows the weather in canada? do you have a bf? do your friends? now.. now i think she asked out of her heart, she missed me, she hasnt seen me in years, and she wanted to build conversation, she wanted to talk to me.. dont get me wrong, i did talk to her, i didnt walk away, just i tried to minimize the chances she had that chance.. to ask about everything.. now i can only wish she can ask me question after questions for hours...
i dont see her much, but it was comforting to know that she was always there, now it seems so hard to accept that shes gone...
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Harmony Bear
i said i was going to do a happy post.. so here it is : )i always loved the carebears, just cause its like the basics to a friendship, but displayed in bears.. : P every bear has a "strength"? and its on their tummies =]
so recently while i was procrastinating, i was google-ing the care bears : P and i found a quiz thing to see which one you are most like.. im harmony bear, wee! one of my faves along with love-a-lot and tenderheart. : )
so since im weird, i got this profile of harmony bear:
Harmony Bear helps others get along. This peace-loving bear knows our differences are something to be celebrated, not something to keep us apart. When differences are brought together in harmony they create something beautiful. That's the meaning of her symbol—a smiling flower with different colored petals.
Caring Mission: Helps others overcome differences and get along.
Symbol: Her smiling flower symbol shows the beauty and happiness that comes from getting along with those around us.
Personality: Open and friendly.
Motto: Good times get better when we get along together!
if you want to do the quiz too.. i gotcha a linkk! : DD [click here to do quiz]
and this is what i got.. or results..
You are most like Harmony Bear. Harmony Bear helps others get along. This peace loving bear knows our differences are something to be celebrated, not something to keep us apart. When differences are brought together in harmony they create something beautiful. That's the meaning of her symbol a smiling flower with different colored petals.
Her Caring Mission is to help others overcome differences and get along. Her smiling flower symbol shows the beauty and happiness that comes from getting along with those around us. Her Personality is open and friendly. Her Character Quirk is that she's got a beautiful singing voice that seems to magically help calm others when they're upset. Her Color is Lavender. Her Best Friend is Friend Bear. Her Relationship Challenge is with Champ Bear. He can be so competitive sometimes. Motto is Good times get better when we get along together.
--what did YOUUU get? : )
Friday, November 23, 2007
changing
i know that some people hate to admit their bad habits and stuff.. but i dont know. i just started thinking.. bad habits arent good (no really?) and i want to do something about it. i mean the first step to changing it is to admit it right?
well heres some confessions --im just getting really stubborn and rebellious.. not really the greatest thing all the time. i guess the things that happened earlier this year and stuff now are really hitting me hard, from just being able to trust(not the best word) anyone, its like self conscious, or just paranoid. ive gotten more sensitive, and i isolate myself more than i ever had.
im just learning to open up and listen again, i guess im learning this from my mom, as she just doesnt listen to me, its like talking to a wall, but the wall likes to criticize me. its so frustrating. and i dont know if i make others feel that way, but i feel that im putting up a wall sometimes, and i feel really bad for it, so sorry to anyone and everyone that i did that to. seems like the solution to all of them would be open.. and thats where i'll start.
ive really grown to like alone time, no im not emo, i promise. but just not getting influenced at all, i've been close to people that i know arent good influences to me, and i sponge characteristics and qualities from people like crazy.. so i just chose to not be close at all to avoid any sponging at all.. i stick with my church buds : ) but it feels kinda lonely since i only see them around twice a week.. i have friends at school, just a few that i stick to, but even then still limited closeness..
stubborn, too protective, i cant keep emotions back very well anymore. i cant control tears from coming to my eyes. i cant set my trembling voice away, i cant speak, i loose my words. so much to work on..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
these negative blogs make me seem so emo.. xD
ill post a happy blog soons.. just errr i dont have one right now : P
i have nutella beside me.. does that count? ♥
well heres some confessions --im just getting really stubborn and rebellious.. not really the greatest thing all the time. i guess the things that happened earlier this year and stuff now are really hitting me hard, from just being able to trust(not the best word) anyone, its like self conscious, or just paranoid. ive gotten more sensitive, and i isolate myself more than i ever had.
im just learning to open up and listen again, i guess im learning this from my mom, as she just doesnt listen to me, its like talking to a wall, but the wall likes to criticize me. its so frustrating. and i dont know if i make others feel that way, but i feel that im putting up a wall sometimes, and i feel really bad for it, so sorry to anyone and everyone that i did that to. seems like the solution to all of them would be open.. and thats where i'll start.
ive really grown to like alone time, no im not emo, i promise. but just not getting influenced at all, i've been close to people that i know arent good influences to me, and i sponge characteristics and qualities from people like crazy.. so i just chose to not be close at all to avoid any sponging at all.. i stick with my church buds : ) but it feels kinda lonely since i only see them around twice a week.. i have friends at school, just a few that i stick to, but even then still limited closeness..
stubborn, too protective, i cant keep emotions back very well anymore. i cant control tears from coming to my eyes. i cant set my trembling voice away, i cant speak, i loose my words. so much to work on..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
these negative blogs make me seem so emo.. xD
ill post a happy blog soons.. just errr i dont have one right now : P
i have nutella beside me.. does that count? ♥
Friday, November 16, 2007
please know when and where to stop, even if i dont know, i think you should.
[for readers, you mite not get this.. i dont think its exactly organized or anything... just me going on and on cause theres no one to talk to..]
say it in my face. bringggg it.
dont go looking for someone that isnt involved to tell me. YOU tell me.
you know that i wont say anything to ones that arent involve. you cheated.
you dont need to go telling everybody.
whats gossip going to do?
talk. lets talk. define talk. you're yelling.
im sick of this, its not even my ears that are ringing, its my head all together.
stop putting it off, its going to come back. lets get it over with.
encouragement? respect? ya? ya? uhh NO. thanks for trying, i was paying attention, and that was pure bull.
from expectations. respect. to nothing.
im scared of you now... i give up. is that what you want? im done with this, i dont want to be a part of it. i dont want to be here.
leave me alone. let me walk. but you wont let me. everything i do has to be approved by you. really. its not necessary. hope you got that. but i doubt, cause who knows how many times ive told you that already...
whats there for me to do that you cant pick on? im human, let me make the mistake then not letting me, its almost like i dont trust what you say.. you've let me down.. and i dont know, but i cant seem to take your word for it. id rather fall and see so for myself.
the things you say are far, its harsh. things that shouldnt even be thought of, and you're saying it? dry. burnn. fine. i'll take it.
but i'll never forget. i promise you. and i hope you remember what you said, and take into consideration what it did to me, words that will change how i think, how i feel for you, and how it will change me in a whole. all summed up in those few words, make me feel useless, worthless, and i just dont belong. why do you want me to feel that way? i never wanted that for you..
for who you are, i shouldnt need to look elsewhere for the things you should be providing, encouragement, caring words, love. it disappoints me.
i dont mean to do the things i do, if i do it, i'll feel bad for it, count on it that i'll come and apologize. but you dont feel that way. to you, its like you do nothing wrong.
im sorry that i let you down, at least it'll only affect me no matter what happens. but i didnt do it on purpose. i swear. but those expectations you put on me, i warned you ahead of time.
i dont like witnessing disappointment, and even more if i caused it, i didnt want to give you details..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i just want to go away. away from just everything.
loose myself in an empty room with no memories, music up to the max, so i cant even hear myself think
mbee then i can get my sanity back.
bring me back to sanity. i lift my arms up to You, hold me up and take control, cause i just cant.
there is a limit to your restrictions.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
with tears streaming down my face, doing nothing wrong. taking the blame, and i walk up to you and i say sorry. as long as it'll patch things up, i think its important that at least i say it, in every situation, i dont believe that i was fully right, whatever i was doing may of encouraged it, whatever it may be, i dont regret my apology. now i did my part, are you up to doing yours? i just wish that i wont have to do it again, for the same reason...
say it in my face. bringggg it.
dont go looking for someone that isnt involved to tell me. YOU tell me.
you know that i wont say anything to ones that arent involve. you cheated.
you dont need to go telling everybody.
whats gossip going to do?
talk. lets talk. define talk. you're yelling.
im sick of this, its not even my ears that are ringing, its my head all together.
stop putting it off, its going to come back. lets get it over with.
encouragement? respect? ya? ya? uhh NO. thanks for trying, i was paying attention, and that was pure bull.
from expectations. respect. to nothing.
im scared of you now... i give up. is that what you want? im done with this, i dont want to be a part of it. i dont want to be here.
leave me alone. let me walk. but you wont let me. everything i do has to be approved by you. really. its not necessary. hope you got that. but i doubt, cause who knows how many times ive told you that already...
whats there for me to do that you cant pick on? im human, let me make the mistake then not letting me, its almost like i dont trust what you say.. you've let me down.. and i dont know, but i cant seem to take your word for it. id rather fall and see so for myself.
the things you say are far, its harsh. things that shouldnt even be thought of, and you're saying it? dry. burnn. fine. i'll take it.
but i'll never forget. i promise you. and i hope you remember what you said, and take into consideration what it did to me, words that will change how i think, how i feel for you, and how it will change me in a whole. all summed up in those few words, make me feel useless, worthless, and i just dont belong. why do you want me to feel that way? i never wanted that for you..
for who you are, i shouldnt need to look elsewhere for the things you should be providing, encouragement, caring words, love. it disappoints me.
i dont mean to do the things i do, if i do it, i'll feel bad for it, count on it that i'll come and apologize. but you dont feel that way. to you, its like you do nothing wrong.
im sorry that i let you down, at least it'll only affect me no matter what happens. but i didnt do it on purpose. i swear. but those expectations you put on me, i warned you ahead of time.
i dont like witnessing disappointment, and even more if i caused it, i didnt want to give you details..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i just want to go away. away from just everything.
loose myself in an empty room with no memories, music up to the max, so i cant even hear myself think
mbee then i can get my sanity back.
bring me back to sanity. i lift my arms up to You, hold me up and take control, cause i just cant.
there is a limit to your restrictions.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
with tears streaming down my face, doing nothing wrong. taking the blame, and i walk up to you and i say sorry. as long as it'll patch things up, i think its important that at least i say it, in every situation, i dont believe that i was fully right, whatever i was doing may of encouraged it, whatever it may be, i dont regret my apology. now i did my part, are you up to doing yours? i just wish that i wont have to do it again, for the same reason...
5 months
within around 5 months, may 25th to oct 5th, that my mom went away to support her sister, my aunt, while she suffered through cancer...
--i've never been away from my mom for so long... never.
and it hurt me so much, when she left, especially while i was on a trip, and i didnt know.
all i got when i got home was a note that she left, telling me that she was gone. and she didnt even know for how long..
for 5 months i had to learn the things she taught me previously that i barely ever used, like cooking, laundry, or just the mother job altogether.
i was forced to learn how to be independent, and to do almost everything myself, from getting up in the morning without someone pulling me out of bed, meals, to just getting somewhere.
i didnt have to take all the lecturing that she always had for me.
i had less restrictions, i just didnt have as many arguments as my mom would be the one i had most arguments with since i saw her the most.
now that shes back, im so glad that i dont have to do all the chores anymore, and i have my mother back..
but i think i changed a lot over this summer, for the good and for the bad...
i learned to be independent, i dont need as much assistance as i did before. im more mature, i've grown closer to God.
but im not as patient anymore, i use to always had to be, for my mom, just to get along, but now its like i cant take all those lectures, they're hours long, and its almost like i lost the ability or patience to talk to her like human beings.
i learned to be on my own, and do everything myself without supervision, and now its like i have to be monitored, like i cant be trusted to do anything. it feels insulting almost, its frustrating, im telling her that i can do it, but she doesnt hear me.
im really glad about summer07, i learned so much, and did so many things that i just wasnt really allowed, restricted from, i've experienced good and bad, and learned to deal with them.
but now its like my privileges have been taken away and i cant really get along with my mom as well as i use to.
[if its not one thing after another, or just everything coming all at once.. ]
--i've never been away from my mom for so long... never.
and it hurt me so much, when she left, especially while i was on a trip, and i didnt know.
all i got when i got home was a note that she left, telling me that she was gone. and she didnt even know for how long..
for 5 months i had to learn the things she taught me previously that i barely ever used, like cooking, laundry, or just the mother job altogether.
i was forced to learn how to be independent, and to do almost everything myself, from getting up in the morning without someone pulling me out of bed, meals, to just getting somewhere.
i didnt have to take all the lecturing that she always had for me.
i had less restrictions, i just didnt have as many arguments as my mom would be the one i had most arguments with since i saw her the most.
now that shes back, im so glad that i dont have to do all the chores anymore, and i have my mother back..
but i think i changed a lot over this summer, for the good and for the bad...
i learned to be independent, i dont need as much assistance as i did before. im more mature, i've grown closer to God.
but im not as patient anymore, i use to always had to be, for my mom, just to get along, but now its like i cant take all those lectures, they're hours long, and its almost like i lost the ability or patience to talk to her like human beings.
i learned to be on my own, and do everything myself without supervision, and now its like i have to be monitored, like i cant be trusted to do anything. it feels insulting almost, its frustrating, im telling her that i can do it, but she doesnt hear me.
im really glad about summer07, i learned so much, and did so many things that i just wasnt really allowed, restricted from, i've experienced good and bad, and learned to deal with them.
but now its like my privileges have been taken away and i cant really get along with my mom as well as i use to.
[if its not one thing after another, or just everything coming all at once.. ]
Thursday, November 15, 2007
how i feel [r i g h t n o w]
break my heart for what breaks yours.
been there
done that
i hate when you treat me this way, i hate stepping down and let you walk all over me for no reason. but when you get upset, why is it that i just have to come help you up.. knowing that when you're better, you're just going to do the same thing all over again. i hate you, but i hate to see you hurt more.
i learned to not depend on anyone, but myself. if i screw up, i'll only affect me. i dont need to compromise, i dont need to consider how people think of it, if they approve.
i have a habit to deny and suspect everyone's motives before i let them affect me emotionally, only leads to being rebellious actions.
dont bring on a challenge when im stressed or frustrated, i'll accept and either or both of us will be hurt in the end.
frustration. drama. argument. when will it stop?
[i have a headache..]
been there
done that
i hate when you treat me this way, i hate stepping down and let you walk all over me for no reason. but when you get upset, why is it that i just have to come help you up.. knowing that when you're better, you're just going to do the same thing all over again. i hate you, but i hate to see you hurt more.
i learned to not depend on anyone, but myself. if i screw up, i'll only affect me. i dont need to compromise, i dont need to consider how people think of it, if they approve.
i have a habit to deny and suspect everyone's motives before i let them affect me emotionally, only leads to being rebellious actions.
dont bring on a challenge when im stressed or frustrated, i'll accept and either or both of us will be hurt in the end.
frustration. drama. argument. when will it stop?
[i have a headache..]
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Thursday, November 01, 2007
response.
please read this qoute carefully, it took some time for me to just retrieve it, like an hour.., it has little to do with what i have to blog about, but i think its something that everyone should think about...
It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship. - Henry Ward Beecher
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
first of all, to the persons blog or post, yet to be posted..
i just thought i should tell you, im really impressed? proud? look up to you to be able to tell how you really really feel like that.
and also, "[missing/unknown] 'pieces of information' about you" i think that if person thinks of you as close friends with you, its necessary to show all of you and not hide things from them. Hiding things from a friend is like lying to me, lying about the truth, and i do mean full truth.
also, i personally dont think that anyone, or just me, deserves or have the right to be angry at anyone, they're my friend and i dont think i should be mad or angry at her for trying to fix things, and i do owe an apology, for being difficult and not really co-operative. you were trying to fix things and i pulled back, i still think of you as a friend, so i should trust you, but i didnt and pulled back.. and thats just not a quality of a friend. and i apologize for it. --im sorry that i made things difficult for you.
i didnt get over anything for her, dont think of it as a favor, to me its almost like essential, because i know, or thought that it would help this situation, and thats all i wanted, for the problem to just disintegrate..
-- i can say that this has scared me, but i'll wear it to not get back to you, but to show to others, not to bring you down, but to help or prepare others that may go through this.
To wait for God to handle this, its not to give up ourselves, its like making a human pyramid. if someone is falling, you call out for help, you dont just relax til help comes, but you hold on and try as help comes..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
its true that i dont believe this is over, it wasnt talked about
and the out waiting of the problem, never really lasts, i'll be good for now, its only temporary, and i'll come back, and its possible to come back even worst, personally, i dont think i can handle that, so i do suggest that doesnt happen. Sorry if you think im being selfish and thinking that things have to be done because i dont think i can handle it, but i think it hurts everyone, and i dont think anyone wants it. and for all the friends i have that are concerned and are pulling me out of my emotional pit, thankyou i really dont think that i could be where i am right now emotionally. still up and not hiding from the world in a hole or whatever.. so thankyou.
i know a few of you are confused. im going to state them. some repeated before but i dont care, i want you to know, and to untangle your tied up strings
-its not about the guy. i dont care
-im not mad
-im still her friend
i know that i dont really let friends get too involved.. i think its a waste of their time no matter what they say or think.. but this time.. i think i need it..
this is a balancing act.. we keep each other up and get through together.. im up for it, now.. who's going to join this? im telling you now that its not going to be easy, its going to be like boot camp, its a challenge.
It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship. - Henry Ward Beecher
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
first of all, to the persons blog or post, yet to be posted..
i just thought i should tell you, im really impressed? proud? look up to you to be able to tell how you really really feel like that.
and also, "[missing/unknown] 'pieces of information' about you" i think that if person thinks of you as close friends with you, its necessary to show all of you and not hide things from them. Hiding things from a friend is like lying to me, lying about the truth, and i do mean full truth.
also, i personally dont think that anyone, or just me, deserves or have the right to be angry at anyone, they're my friend and i dont think i should be mad or angry at her for trying to fix things, and i do owe an apology, for being difficult and not really co-operative. you were trying to fix things and i pulled back, i still think of you as a friend, so i should trust you, but i didnt and pulled back.. and thats just not a quality of a friend. and i apologize for it. --im sorry that i made things difficult for you.
i didnt get over anything for her, dont think of it as a favor, to me its almost like essential, because i know, or thought that it would help this situation, and thats all i wanted, for the problem to just disintegrate..
-- i can say that this has scared me, but i'll wear it to not get back to you, but to show to others, not to bring you down, but to help or prepare others that may go through this.
To wait for God to handle this, its not to give up ourselves, its like making a human pyramid. if someone is falling, you call out for help, you dont just relax til help comes, but you hold on and try as help comes..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
its true that i dont believe this is over, it wasnt talked about
and the out waiting of the problem, never really lasts, i'll be good for now, its only temporary, and i'll come back, and its possible to come back even worst, personally, i dont think i can handle that, so i do suggest that doesnt happen. Sorry if you think im being selfish and thinking that things have to be done because i dont think i can handle it, but i think it hurts everyone, and i dont think anyone wants it. and for all the friends i have that are concerned and are pulling me out of my emotional pit, thankyou i really dont think that i could be where i am right now emotionally. still up and not hiding from the world in a hole or whatever.. so thankyou.
i know a few of you are confused. im going to state them. some repeated before but i dont care, i want you to know, and to untangle your tied up strings
-its not about the guy. i dont care
-im not mad
-im still her friend
i know that i dont really let friends get too involved.. i think its a waste of their time no matter what they say or think.. but this time.. i think i need it..
this is a balancing act.. we keep each other up and get through together.. im up for it, now.. who's going to join this? im telling you now that its not going to be easy, its going to be like boot camp, its a challenge.
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