f a m i l y & f r i e n d s

for a while now, there has been just so many things on my mind,
things that easily bring me to tears to even think about deeply.
but numbs me at the same time.
things that hurt to think about...
f a m i l y & f r i e n d s



my family and i are experiencing a tough and rough patch.
a large tough and rough patch

there's confusion. cause nothing seems to change the outcome.
there are tears. from not being able to do anything.
there's anger. from everyone.
there's violence. back stabbing[on each other]. there's hurt.

there is here.
here is a broken home.


ekklesia* is the current theme for my church this year.
to me, as far as my understanding; it basically means community.
and to me, a community is suppose to be like a family;
always caring for each other.

in the midst of all the chaos at home.
i simply can not witness an effort of such within the church body.

all i hear is rumors and criticism around me throughout the church.
around my family. and how we are a bad influence. and basically to stay away.
i see countless faces judging me every week.
faces of disgust. of shame.

why are you judging me when you don't even know me?
when you do not know the full story?

i cant believe i have to force a smile across my face.
every friday fellowship. every sunday.
silently walking by trying to believe that nothing is wrong.
how is that a safe environment?
which a church should be. a safe environment.

ive been told, that perhaps it's people's way of being concerned for me and my family.
please. please. please. enlighten me.
no one has asked how i am. how i feel about everything.
no one has tried to hear MY side of the story.
no one has tried to understand.
no one has shown any sign of concern.

to people who are not affected. not hurt.
my pain and sorrow is simply juicy gossip and entertainment.


im so frustrated.
it breaks my heart time and time again.
it makes me ache being alone.
im an only child.
i lack a bond that promises support.
unfortunately i also did not grow up with anyone close and alike to relate to.
unlike my closest friends. who are best friends to each other.
i long for the same kind of relationship.




'ekklesia' : an assembly; a people in exile; called out of the world for a purpose; a holy priesthood... getting back to God's intent for God's gathering of people...