just a few days, just around the corner...

retreat is in just a few days,
just around the corner.. and im not looking forward to it one bit..
the reasons dont seem definite.
the one person i wish would go isnt.
i really miss how we use to be,
we were so close --i have no idea what h a p p e n e d.
i really wanted to have the chance to spend full 24hr days with her, just to catch up and whatnot.
yes there are always others, but i dont seem really close to one of them in particular, everyone just kinda drifted.
i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.
just the other day i accidently blurted out that im not looking forward to it(retreat) at all.
i thought i was in a safe environment...
so i was questioned why im going-
my answer then was because ppl said i should. and i wanted to adviod the questions of why.

i guess my answer is... i want to give it a try, a chance, and maybe i'd have fun, and maybe God would have something for me.
im scared for this retreat. i remember that ive spent retreat days to comfort and accompany someone else cause they werent too happy, just wasnt right to me, for someone to be sad at a retreat.
glad i was of help or use. just cant say i appreciate how theyd leave, ditched when they were feeling better, not caring that i just left everything behind for them.. not caring about me a bit in return..

now this year, may i ask for a return of a favor?

i never thought

[i would be]

willingly retelling stories of parts of my life to you
that i normally dont even want to think about.

r i s k i n g
risking it all.
risking that after you'd push me away.
risking myself.
for

y o u .

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

--youre always there,
even when everyone's too busy,
you'd always make the time.

growing closer to you through every thing we do
even through arguments.

then "but" comes into mind;;
but what if you grow tired of the things i do-
but what if you grow tired the little habits i have-
but what if you grow tired the constant things i say-

*or do-

{like how i can get shy around you > scared to say the wrong thing..}

that is it for my ramble.. after a friggin hr, these are the only things i can but into words..

with tears in my eyes, these words repeat in my mind with frustration..

one day.
four months.
less.
dont let this be it.

stay safe
stay safe
stay safe.

dont do this to me.

rambling ramblers

i wont make you do things you dont want to.

i wont be the one to correct your actions to benefit myself.

if you dont want to talk to me, i wont make you.

id rather hang the frown on my door than to see hang yours.

i'll laugh it off.

i'll wait it out.

i'll get through.

i want to get through with you with me, at the end.
i still care for you none the less. you're my friend.
we're not perfect. i know that. and i dont expect perfection.

you may not agree with me,

but i feel the way i feel,

i cant change that.//

its just a matter or reaction. response.

change the way i feel;

change what makes me feel that way.

banana peel! banana peel!

i see the banana peel,
only steps from your path.

i yell out to you,
but you refuse my call.

with the back of your hand,
you turn me down.

so i'll just stand here,
biting my lip; hoping that you'd walk over it,
but ready to catch your fall.

camera zooms in,
as your foot is about to sink into that peel
--and the camera stops//




*will you get hurt.

*will i catch you in time.

*will you blame me.

[will you ever listen to me]


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
so metaphoric : P