i'm weird.. beyond normal-ness... i seriously have no idea how i feel.. this month? i've been wondering around school.. home.. wherever i am.. feeling.. absolutely nothing.. so yes.. if you asked me how i was doing.. i used default answer : finee.. or good..
its like i decide to not feel bad.. yet i can't feel good... cuz i have barely any reason to be.. so i dont show emotion.. and my friends at school thinks that im a walking zombie.. = T
i can't wait until this is over once again.. its weird. i can never blog my "feelings"?? like i always somehow change it around.. so that its just pure rants.. i dont get myself.. i have talk.. i can poem-ize it sometimes.. but i can't blog my feelings.. i end up saying it differently.. another problem with me... hmm... mm.. discovering more and more about myself.. not always so positive thos.. ickks..
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
bettahh..
i think my moods are getting happierr!
goodness me.. how happy i am.. funny how actrully i have no idea why im happy.. i shouldn't be because its sorta worst than before.. xS situation wise..what im guessing.. my head just isnt letting me b all ='(( i hate myself being all gloomy anyway.. have a feeling that its going to bottle up... cuz i cant express how i feel today.. that how it usually goes... = T
-- this blog makes no sense.. srry for wasting ur time! pshh.. what am i talking about.. no one reads it! xD other than dear jenns tho.. love yous! <333
goodness me.. how happy i am.. funny how actrully i have no idea why im happy.. i shouldn't be because its sorta worst than before.. xS situation wise..what im guessing.. my head just isnt letting me b all ='(( i hate myself being all gloomy anyway.. have a feeling that its going to bottle up... cuz i cant express how i feel today.. that how it usually goes... = T
-- this blog makes no sense.. srry for wasting ur time! pshh.. what am i talking about.. no one reads it! xD other than dear jenns tho.. love yous! <333
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Just P.U.S.H!
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man He had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders ser squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with al of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: “you have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t moved.” Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, “Why kill yourself over this?” “Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough.” That’s what he planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. “Lord,” he said, “ I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?” The Lord responded compassionately. “My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that the task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with all your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is it really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your b=hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your wisdom. This you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock.”
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong ….. just P.U.S.H!
When the job gets you down ….. just P.U.S.H!
When people don’t react the way you think they should ….. just P.U.S.H!
When people just don’t understand you ….. just P.U.S.H!
P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens
Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: “you have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t moved.” Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, “Why kill yourself over this?” “Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough.” That’s what he planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. “Lord,” he said, “ I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?” The Lord responded compassionately. “My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that the task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with all your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is it really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your b=hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your wisdom. This you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock.”
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong ….. just P.U.S.H!
When the job gets you down ….. just P.U.S.H!
When people don’t react the way you think they should ….. just P.U.S.H!
When people just don’t understand you ….. just P.U.S.H!
P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens
Saturday, November 25, 2006
wonder ponderr
i always wondered this i read it often and i read it often, that parents are role models and they have experienced what you’re going through, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with me though.
so for example, i feel that sometimes its only normal if i had a chance to relax, spend time out with so friends, instead of always being in a book, she goes on about how she only wishes to do so and that she never got the chance, i understand that perhaps she never got the chance for education without being pulled out to work, but she’s a different person than me, i can’t sit there for days with a pencil in my hand, writing and writing.. i was never really the one that was quiet and sat there a lot, but the one constantly running around, did she not see it then that i wasn’t going to be the still one?
eating, even how to eat a certain food.. no, that wont be good with ketchup, have it with this sauce gravy.. its almost like im being controlled like a doll, and she doesn’t say it as an opinion or suggestion, but as a command, she’ll start yelling if i continue using ketchup..
there are so many things that we can never agree upon, not only do we not agree, but we argue, and yell, and it hurts that i can barely ever have a decent long conversation with them before we break into an argument, we never solve it, so we’ll walk right back into it some other time.
im really sick of the routine, i talk to my mom about it, she doesn’t agree, she goes on about what i feel is wrong, and that what she is telling is right. it makes me feel like I’m always wrong, and im suppose to think/agree with everything that she says. i don’t get the support, I don’t get the answers, i don’t get the encouragement, so i go out of the home to look for this, like friends.. but it’s a responsibility almost for someone else to take up.. it feels wrong to me..
hopefully blogging this will get me to stop thinking it over and over again in my head..
[im so weird.. I either don’t blog or blog too often… o_O]
so for example, i feel that sometimes its only normal if i had a chance to relax, spend time out with so friends, instead of always being in a book, she goes on about how she only wishes to do so and that she never got the chance, i understand that perhaps she never got the chance for education without being pulled out to work, but she’s a different person than me, i can’t sit there for days with a pencil in my hand, writing and writing.. i was never really the one that was quiet and sat there a lot, but the one constantly running around, did she not see it then that i wasn’t going to be the still one?
eating, even how to eat a certain food.. no, that wont be good with ketchup, have it with this sauce gravy.. its almost like im being controlled like a doll, and she doesn’t say it as an opinion or suggestion, but as a command, she’ll start yelling if i continue using ketchup..
there are so many things that we can never agree upon, not only do we not agree, but we argue, and yell, and it hurts that i can barely ever have a decent long conversation with them before we break into an argument, we never solve it, so we’ll walk right back into it some other time.
im really sick of the routine, i talk to my mom about it, she doesn’t agree, she goes on about what i feel is wrong, and that what she is telling is right. it makes me feel like I’m always wrong, and im suppose to think/agree with everything that she says. i don’t get the support, I don’t get the answers, i don’t get the encouragement, so i go out of the home to look for this, like friends.. but it’s a responsibility almost for someone else to take up.. it feels wrong to me..
hopefully blogging this will get me to stop thinking it over and over again in my head..
[im so weird.. I either don’t blog or blog too often… o_O]
d'oh...
didnt go to cellgroup last night.. missed the very first cell group. >= ( d'ohhh.. srry i left u jenns.. so why.. i was ready to go.. and then mom all of a sudden decided to have a fit.. and of course she decides to take it out on me.. funn. so she goes on.. and on.. about stuffs about me.. though half to all of it doesnt make sense or relate to me... and she decided that im not allowed.. >__>
so after i just sat in my room.. eventually falling asleep.. and woke up next day.. weird.. i felt like im suppose to be at school... like every few minutes i'll look at the time and go.. AHHhh! im late for schooollllll!! ---- no wait.. its WeEkEnD! >__< its just like.. cuz i missed df... where i get away from the house.. it feels like it isn't even weekend.. weirdo me.. = T
now.. just hopeing that i'll be able to go to tonights canto christman meeting + missions night.. i need to get out of this house.. n-o-w.. but atm.. im content.. =)
so after i just sat in my room.. eventually falling asleep.. and woke up next day.. weird.. i felt like im suppose to be at school... like every few minutes i'll look at the time and go.. AHHhh! im late for schooollllll!! ---- no wait.. its WeEkEnD! >__< its just like.. cuz i missed df... where i get away from the house.. it feels like it isn't even weekend.. weirdo me.. = T
now.. just hopeing that i'll be able to go to tonights canto christman meeting + missions night.. i need to get out of this house.. n-o-w.. but atm.. im content.. =)
Thursday, November 23, 2006
` burning tears
the tears in these eyes
burn like acid on one's skin.
it holds in
wont fall..
wont drop til it fills my eye
and every drop that falls
holds pain and confusion
i scream to make the buzz in my ears go away
only for it to grow louder
can't take it anymore, go away!
cant take it anymore, go away i scream
the buzz softens..
the heart beats slows down
and the last of my tears
bring hope and faith
-crystal
burn like acid on one's skin.
it holds in
wont fall..
wont drop til it fills my eye
and every drop that falls
holds pain and confusion
i scream to make the buzz in my ears go away
only for it to grow louder
can't take it anymore, go away!
cant take it anymore, go away i scream
the buzz softens..
the heart beats slows down
and the last of my tears
bring hope and faith
-crystal
makes up for it all
... how much i hate the puffy eyes.. garbage beside me full of tissues soaked in tears, sleeves soaked in tears.. and how i can't breathe calmly.. think normally..
have done a year's worth of crying all in 2 weeks.. i dont even use the tissue boxes anymore.. i use the roll of tissue.. lasts so much longer..
so yea.. today expecially has made up for all the better days i've had this week.. i was so happy thinking that i've gotten though finally.. when i just figured i'm not nearly there yet.
school. parents. friends. once again... school -- for no reason whatsoever... my teacher hates me. i promise that i didn't do anything.. i was so sure i decided to ask ppl.. do you think i did something to make Kahn (science teacher) hate me??? no.. no.. no.
parents.. the constant arguement.. that keeps me from wanting to stay in this house... the more i get yelled at.. the more i cry.. the more i cry.. the more i hate this house that im in.. and the more i want to leave.. haven’t had a single day.. with no arguments for a long . long time.. still waiting for that day..
have done a year's worth of crying all in 2 weeks.. i dont even use the tissue boxes anymore.. i use the roll of tissue.. lasts so much longer..
so yea.. today expecially has made up for all the better days i've had this week.. i was so happy thinking that i've gotten though finally.. when i just figured i'm not nearly there yet.
school. parents. friends. once again... school -- for no reason whatsoever... my teacher hates me. i promise that i didn't do anything.. i was so sure i decided to ask ppl.. do you think i did something to make Kahn (science teacher) hate me??? no.. no.. no.
parents.. the constant arguement.. that keeps me from wanting to stay in this house... the more i get yelled at.. the more i cry.. the more i cry.. the more i hate this house that im in.. and the more i want to leave.. haven’t had a single day.. with no arguments for a long . long time.. still waiting for that day..
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
children's worship
Childrens' Worship // team 3 // first week
WhOa! children’s worship – tough crowd.. and doesn’t really help that im almost the only one singing.. >_> (out of the three also on stage) man.. anyone wanna make it less awkward? this week, we're going to try vbs songs.. so we have music.. hope that workss.. *fingers crossed*
this week is pretty weird.. quite quite.. i have no idea whether im happy or not.. its like my quiet week.. i haven’t said much.. unless its necessary.. like im mute.. not exactly sad n not exactly happy.. can’t wait til i go off the walls happy..
anyway.. i go off to do some hw.. and find a smile.. though its sorta hard through hw eh? hmm..
WhOa! children’s worship – tough crowd.. and doesn’t really help that im almost the only one singing.. >_> (out of the three also on stage) man.. anyone wanna make it less awkward? this week, we're going to try vbs songs.. so we have music.. hope that workss.. *fingers crossed*
this week is pretty weird.. quite quite.. i have no idea whether im happy or not.. its like my quiet week.. i haven’t said much.. unless its necessary.. like im mute.. not exactly sad n not exactly happy.. can’t wait til i go off the walls happy..
anyway.. i go off to do some hw.. and find a smile.. though its sorta hard through hw eh? hmm..
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
P.S.
hmm...i think i left out a point.. which will make previous posts a little bit.. awkward or, me over doing it.. which i may when i'm upset... but a lot of what i can do, and whatever, has been restricted because of school.. still not so clear.. my parents, and their views on school determines what i can do.. and i couldn't say i'm going great -- this still nay be unclear.. but you have an idea..
and today was a pretty good day =DDD though i made it late to period 3 -___- (had to go home for lunch) but that's nothing after last week..
so.. me = =DD
and today was a pretty good day =DDD though i made it late to period 3 -___- (had to go home for lunch) but that's nothing after last week..
so.. me = =DD
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Footprints in the Sand
One night a man had a dream. He dreamedhe was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path ofhis life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the verylowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
"The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you.During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
rant...
*sigh* at the moment.. i only wish i can cry.. its like.. stress + tiredness + shock + frustration + disappointment + anger + confusion + sadness + hopelessness + worry-- all rolled into one big fat emotion.. i can’t cry. all i can do it sit there. crawl up into a ball. and mope. it feels so bad.. helpless even.. ><
ya ya.. i was complaining that i cry. now i can only wish i can. normally.. once i’m happy. it takes quite a lot to make me frown.. but not today.. the second i got my mark. my grin. smile? was an instant frown. millimeters to tears. but tears wouldn’t fall. i have this feeling in my heart.. so uncomfortable..[nxt thing u know.. i have a heart prob -__-]
i know that everything happens for a reason.. but this is like.. so difficult.. i feel alone. where’s god’s support when I have no one else around me? it really doesn’t feel that he was present… but i still have faith that he’ll make it somehow manageable. that my parents understand and give me a chance.. and for me to catch up.. and for everything to calm down and for me to be able to rest..
as if that there’s something wrong.. all the time.. one problem right after another.. or.. altogether.. so hard to have a good time without my mind wondering back to my worries.
makes me want to scream – yet i can’t.
can’t wait til I can get over this.. and blog a nice happy blog… *fingers crossed * wishing * waiting * hopping* praying*
ya ya.. i was complaining that i cry. now i can only wish i can. normally.. once i’m happy. it takes quite a lot to make me frown.. but not today.. the second i got my mark. my grin. smile? was an instant frown. millimeters to tears. but tears wouldn’t fall. i have this feeling in my heart.. so uncomfortable..[nxt thing u know.. i have a heart prob -__-]
i know that everything happens for a reason.. but this is like.. so difficult.. i feel alone. where’s god’s support when I have no one else around me? it really doesn’t feel that he was present… but i still have faith that he’ll make it somehow manageable. that my parents understand and give me a chance.. and for me to catch up.. and for everything to calm down and for me to be able to rest..
as if that there’s something wrong.. all the time.. one problem right after another.. or.. altogether.. so hard to have a good time without my mind wondering back to my worries.
makes me want to scream – yet i can’t.
can’t wait til I can get over this.. and blog a nice happy blog… *fingers crossed * wishing * waiting * hopping* praying*
Sunday, November 12, 2006
thankss
well.. what can i say.. to all the people who asked me whats wrong these 2 weeks.. well. i don't exactly feeling like telling the world.. not that i dont trust you or whatever.. but more like.. its how i am.. i dont like troubling people.. i like people happy. why spoil they're day and have them listen to me.. and like.. i dont feel that i can't handle whatever it is on my own.. so im a bit stubborn.. i try to handle it myself whether i know i can or not.. until it has gone too far and need help.. but much appreciated that you ask.. shows that you care, its encouraging to me.. though you dont know what the situation is..
normally.. im always happy and -- not crying.. -_- but these two weeks were different for some reason.. i couldn't hold it in.. i just broke out.. which makes me feel.. so .. weak? hm..
** thx for caring . asking . staying with me . and so on..
i'm not going to name everyone that was there that was there that lent a shoulder.. but i'll name.. .. 4 that first comes to my mind..
mary
jenn
wes
agnes
--but thx to every1 else too.. i really really really(!!!) apreciate it..
lots and lots of love to all.. thxxx <3
normally.. im always happy and -- not crying.. -_- but these two weeks were different for some reason.. i couldn't hold it in.. i just broke out.. which makes me feel.. so .. weak? hm..
** thx for caring . asking . staying with me . and so on..
i'm not going to name everyone that was there that was there that lent a shoulder.. but i'll name.. .. 4 that first comes to my mind..
mary
jenn
wes
agnes
--but thx to every1 else too.. i really really really(!!!) apreciate it..
lots and lots of love to all.. thxxx <3
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
problem me
is it normal to always get distracted by.. everything? these days, i've been distracted mostly my thoughts. everything, im thinking it over and over, going deeper and deeper, i think im over examining everthing..[and thats all work time..]
its like everything is somehow not going smooth.
definitly not my marks
family
little bit in friends
i'm always thinking that im doing something wrong. but am i? i dont know anymore. its almost like im always wrong, so wrong that it feels wrong to be right. its getting so hard to stay cheerful. broke down a bit once on sunday. doesn't feel like it helped tho. its really bothering me.. yet its hard to say what it is thats bothering me.. which only makes it harder to solve... hopefully time can sooth it...
its like everything is somehow not going smooth.
definitly not my marks
family
little bit in friends
i'm always thinking that im doing something wrong. but am i? i dont know anymore. its almost like im always wrong, so wrong that it feels wrong to be right. its getting so hard to stay cheerful. broke down a bit once on sunday. doesn't feel like it helped tho. its really bothering me.. yet its hard to say what it is thats bothering me.. which only makes it harder to solve... hopefully time can sooth it...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
down with the marks
now.. my marks are going down so much.. i haven't never.. in my life.. have done so bad, with no exaggeration. need help with.. mathhh, sciencee, techh and yea... i'm almost.. very close to failing this term. now... thats all for now..
delayed fallfest post
fallfest.. i was looking so forward to it.. and i was there.. and it started off.. not really the best.. but manageable. then the preperation wasn't the most cheerful... i was put off by it for sure.. like.. it may of been fun for some.. definitly it was, but for me - naw. and the booth.. i got the ever-so-fun hockey booth.. with michelle and mary.. not to critize but.. not everyone was helping other than talking and eating. and the booth itself wasn't very popular. so i decided to colour.. yes. colour. a chipmunk. in a while.. i haven't exactly felt so left out and alone when im not. expecially while im at church.. *sigh* some things never change.. and so that was a summary of fallfest..
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