RIP grandma

RIP my beloved grandma <3
november 28, 2oo7 - 6:45pm
blessed the world for 86 years.

so today my grandma goes, the one on my mom's side, the one that i knew more, the one that cared about me most.

i dont know that much, since i dont want to ask my mom right now, but i heard that her chest hurt and the next thing, she couldnt breathe.. called ambulance, and left this cruel world while being saved.

here at home, we get a call, as my mom picks up, i hear loud crying, and my mom confused, not knowing what is happening, nor what she's saying. i had a bad feeling, and this is what it came to.

the last time i saw her was at the end of summer.o6, last year, when i went to hongkong to see my grandparents, my grandpa actually, since he's sick, growing deaf, blind, and really weak. so my grandma going first is a surprise.

i could of seen her again summer.o7 but i didnt want to go back, i missed my friends here too much, and i hated coming back and feeling out of place, i didnt want to go there cause i didnt have friends, and it seemed like i wasnt important enough for even my cousins to take the time to take me out, i went with my mom, meeting her friends, and i just seemed or felt like a show and tell thing, and thats that. i didnt go. im so selfish.

i got to see her almost once every 3-5 years, mbee more. and i cant even take some time away from my comfort zone, to spend time with my grandparents. what kind of granddaughter am i. w t c.

i remember when i was a kid, i would go to hongkong over the summer holidays, and she knew that i loved ice cream gee miy low, or just ice cream in general, and she would buy so much to fill the freezer before i got there, the fridge would be filled with yik lik daws and just all my favorite foods. she always thought that i had to eat more, and she knows that i can pack in a lot of food.. and every time i had ice cream, i saw her looking at me enjoy it, and asked me how it was.. i dont know how she loved me, i dont know how anyone can love me, i mean i was a mischievous, curious, and just had too much energy for my own good.. i tried to do a favor, ending up in a mess, for example, i wanted to be useful, and i dusted the tv, and i saw the lines in the back, and i wanted to clean in the tv too, so i poured water into the tv. and you can guess what happened..

i loved making cards for people when i was small, and i wanted to make one for my grandma, i saw watermelon on the table cloth, and i just helped myself to them, i cut them out and put in on the card.. i drowned her plants, i coloured her plants, i dropped a pebble from the 35th floor of the apartment to see it drop..(dont worry, no one was down there), i tried to catch a gecko on the wall.. through all that and so much more, she still loved me.

thinking back now, why am i so thoughtless? i was annoyed when she was asking me about anything and everything last time i saw her, summer.o6. from who are your friends? do you still go to church? how's your dad? how's school? hows the weather in canada? do you have a bf? do your friends? now.. now i think she asked out of her heart, she missed me, she hasnt seen me in years, and she wanted to build conversation, she wanted to talk to me.. dont get me wrong, i did talk to her, i didnt walk away, just i tried to minimize the chances she had that chance.. to ask about everything.. now i can only wish she can ask me question after questions for hours...

i dont see her much, but it was comforting to know that she was always there, now it seems so hard to accept that shes gone...