distract me from myself.

i miss working.. or just going out with people. anyone for any reason - even if its just to school studying.

i have to force myself to be happy, appear happy cause i have to be for work; leave all your own moods behind when youre at work. when im out with friends, i dont want others to worry over me, or turn the mood blue just cause i am. so i pretend to be happy, dont get me wrong, i am happy being with everyone, i just dont let other things ruin my mood.

its like within the time im pretending that im happy, i convince myself that i am.

being alone is good, but not for too long. its like i get sucked into this downward spiral that i make for myself.. my own mind is a dangerous place for me to explore alone..

take me out - distract me from myself..

faith.hope.courage.patience. love.

faith.
on this relationship to work out as God has intended to.
that we will be granted with wisdom to solve this heartbreak.

hope.
to at least make it out together as friends.
that you wont hate me.

courage.
to hear all the hate from you and to not react negatively.
to talk things out and not just sweep it under the carpet.

patience.
knowing that we're both hurt and broken.
to not rush a conclusion

love.

You my Lord, is the answer to everything.

Lord heavenly father,

i lift my auntie up to you Lord, shes been suffering from cancer for far too long. it spread all over her body, disintegrating her slowly and painfully. the medicines and fear transformed her; her whole personality has been replaced with negativity, and skepticism. medicines have failed to heal her physically and family and friends have failed to bring her any comfort. Lord, im coming to you, to help her open her heart and speak to her. you know the key to her heart Lord, and i pray that you would soften her, yet give her courage and strength against her disease, Lord, help her understand that faith in You, can overcome anything that the world throws. Lord, please help all the people around her, shine your light of understanding and wisdom.

i also pray for my cousins, and their parent's relationship Lord. Their broken each in their own way and angry at each other. and their children are suffering silently as their not considered in their actions. Lord, i pray for protection for them, and older people for them talk to for comfort and wisdom. i pray for their parents, that they would come to you for peace in their hearts and mind, patience with each other and wisdom to solve their problems.

Lord i pray for my boyfriend, doctor's say that his heart is unhealthy. I pray that he learns to make daily adjustments to his lifestyle to help his heart.. Lord, thank you for working so much in him, it brings me so much joy to see him read the Bible - growing in You. i pray for strength for me to help him, to be there for him, be strong for him when he needs me.

i pray for my family, for us to have patience with each other, learn from each other and look to You for solutions and peace when things arent always right. Thank you for bringing us back together, even when we were all so broken. Only with your power Lord. Only with your power, anything you wish will be. You my Lord, is the answer to everything.

Amen.

Evil.. the absense of God's presence in the hearts of man.

This is just something i found while surfing the net, its a m a z i n g.
i mean, einstein's academic achievements, didnt wow me, just cause im not really academic.
but this sure did.

The professor of a university challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" A student answered bravely, "Yes, he did".

The professor then asked, "If God created everything, then he created evil. Since evil exists (as noticed by our own actions), so God is evil. The student couldn't respond to that statement causing the professor to conclude that he had "proved" that "belief in God" was a fairy tale, and therefore worthless.

Another student raised his hand and asked the professor, "May I pose a question? " "Of course" answered the professor.

The young student stood up and asked : "Professor does Cold exists?"

The professor answered, "What kind of question is that? ...Of course the cold exists... haven't you ever been cold?"

The young student answered, "In fact sir, Cold does not exist. According to the laws of Physics, what we consider cold, in fact is the absence of heat. Anything is able to be studied as long as it transmits energy (heat). Absolute Zero is the total absence of heat, but cold does not exist. What we have done is create a term to describe how we feel if we don't have body heat or we are not hot."

"And, does Dark exist?", he continued. The professor answered "Of course". This time the student responded, "Again you're wrong, Sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in fact simply the absence of light. Light can be studied, darkness can not. Darkness cannot be broken down. A simple ray of light tears the darkness and illuminates the surface where the light beam finishes. Dark is a term that we humans have created to describe what happens when there's lack of light."

Finally, the student asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" The professor replied, "Of course it exists, as I mentioned at the beginning, we see violations, crimes and violence anywhere in the world, and those things are evil."

The student responded, "Sir, Evil does not exist. Just as in the previous cases, Evil is a term which man has created to describe the result of the absence of God's presence in the hearts of man."

After this, the professor bowed down his head, and didn't answer back.

The young man's name was ALBERT EINSTEIN.

u n i

And here's arrived; the beginning of a new chapter that begins with big changes and obstacles right off the bat - i hope you know, i love you and miss you with all my genuine honest heart. i hope you all have a great time, have lots of fun and new experiences all while staying safe and with close and true to Christ. i would give up so much to just assure that our friendship would remain strong after, at the end of this stage or chapter of our lives.

Roger that.

my blood father.
abandons wife and daughter.

i would love to know what he's thinking.
besides the excuses
besides the lies he hides behind
all for his pride and ego.



"take responsibility for your actions"

is what he always said to me
time to take your own advice.

best i ever had

sister
brother
either will be fine really..

but unfortunately i wasnt blessed with a sibling
so i guess i was blessed with independence
but everybody needs someone at some point..
so still. im at a loss.

so instead i consider my closest two friends my sisters.
i care for them as a sister.
i worry for them as a sister.
i love them as a sister.

its so hard to see them go off to uni
going so far, having all these experiences.
that i wont have.
going so far, and not seeing them as often anymore.
i might not even be their besties anymore.
i wont know whats going on anymore.
for 4 years.
a lot can happen in four years.

one of my sisters got a late acceptance into her first choice school
she got into the best for her course
i was so proud and happy for her.
and i was going to have at least a sister with me too!
but turns that she doesnt want to stay behind
she wanted to go,
and even though shes back
she doesnt want to be in the things we're in together..
like she doesnt want to spend even the least possible time with me..

my other sister, shes going to the loo! im so glad for her.
and if only i went there too, then we could of roomed together!
wouldnt that be simply perfect?
but thats not so, hope you have fun, stay safe!
and please please please stay in touch,
cause im going to miss you a lot.


whether you know it or not jenn&hailey
i love you two like sisters and like family
have a wonderful fantastic four years.
please stay safe
im missing you already

Family Matters

was the theme for retreat


'communication is key'
what if your family refuses to communicate? doesnt want to. will not do it. refuses to talk to each other. doesnt trust each other? doesnt care bout what each other has to say?

'your friends may come and go but not your family'
a family member just left. admitted to not caring. not loving the family anymore. and refuses to return home. my friends are as close to family as it can get to me. im an only child. so i dont have a lot to hold on to other than my parents. friends are my sisters to me. and it scares me so much when people tell me that friends come and go.



& i forget the rest.

fatherless

you said you loved me
you said you loved us both.
you said that you loved this family.
i clung onto that with all i my heart.
denying all the facts that proved otherwise.

i cant believe that changed.
you dont love this family anymore.

the thoughtless careless things you said about me.
and what you said to my face.
when i took the time to see you after you left me behind.
the way you put me down.
like i was not your daughter.
like i was no one.

im amazed at my tolerance and capacity sometimes.
things happen. and i think i cant handle it anymore.
so i break down and cry my heart out . and somehow
im still here.
the things youve said burns through me
like a hot fork pressed into my chest.
it disintegrates who i am.
and the scar will always remain.

Faith & Science

[the following does not belong to me. I do not know if that story is fact or fiction. It is only that i would like to share this story with those that read this blog.]


An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the problem Science has with GOD, the ALMIGHT. He asked one of his new Christian students to stand.

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So, you believe in GOD?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD good?
Student : Sure.
Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL?
Student : Yes.
Professor : My Brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent)
Professor : You can’t answer, can you? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD Good?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Is Satan good?
Student : No.
Professor : Where does Satan come from?
Student : From… GOD…
Professor : That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn’t it? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor : So who created evil?
(Student did not answer)
Professor : Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the World, don’t they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So, who created them?
(Student had no answer)
Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe The World around you. Tell me, son…have you ever seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor : Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor : Yet you still believe in HIM?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor : Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor : Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor : Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn’t…

(The Lecture Theater became very quiet with this turn of events)

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don’t have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero, Which is No Heat, but we can’t go any further after that.There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat. We cannot Measure Cold. Heat is Energy. Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the Lecture Theatre)

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?
Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn’t Darkness?
Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light… But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its Called Darkness, isn’t it? In reality, Darkness isn’t. If it is,You would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn’t you?
Professor : So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student : Sir, my point is, your Philosophical Premise is flawed.
Professor : Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue There is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are Viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing. Death is Not the Opposite of Life, just the Absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?
Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process,yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and Cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor, Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?

(The Class was in uproar)

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The Class broke out into laughter)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?… No one appears to have done so. So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The Room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable)

Professor : I guess you’ll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student : That is it sir…Exactly!The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.

f a m i l y & f r i e n d s

for a while now, there has been just so many things on my mind,
things that easily bring me to tears to even think about deeply.
but numbs me at the same time.
things that hurt to think about...
f a m i l y & f r i e n d s



my family and i are experiencing a tough and rough patch.
a large tough and rough patch

there's confusion. cause nothing seems to change the outcome.
there are tears. from not being able to do anything.
there's anger. from everyone.
there's violence. back stabbing[on each other]. there's hurt.

there is here.
here is a broken home.


ekklesia* is the current theme for my church this year.
to me, as far as my understanding; it basically means community.
and to me, a community is suppose to be like a family;
always caring for each other.

in the midst of all the chaos at home.
i simply can not witness an effort of such within the church body.

all i hear is rumors and criticism around me throughout the church.
around my family. and how we are a bad influence. and basically to stay away.
i see countless faces judging me every week.
faces of disgust. of shame.

why are you judging me when you don't even know me?
when you do not know the full story?

i cant believe i have to force a smile across my face.
every friday fellowship. every sunday.
silently walking by trying to believe that nothing is wrong.
how is that a safe environment?
which a church should be. a safe environment.

ive been told, that perhaps it's people's way of being concerned for me and my family.
please. please. please. enlighten me.
no one has asked how i am. how i feel about everything.
no one has tried to hear MY side of the story.
no one has tried to understand.
no one has shown any sign of concern.

to people who are not affected. not hurt.
my pain and sorrow is simply juicy gossip and entertainment.


im so frustrated.
it breaks my heart time and time again.
it makes me ache being alone.
im an only child.
i lack a bond that promises support.
unfortunately i also did not grow up with anyone close and alike to relate to.
unlike my closest friends. who are best friends to each other.
i long for the same kind of relationship.




'ekklesia' : an assembly; a people in exile; called out of the world for a purpose; a holy priesthood... getting back to God's intent for God's gathering of people...

Easter Worship - [rap]

Easter has lost it's meaning.
it's all 'bout rabbits and eggs...
but YO! rabbits don't even lay eggs.

days aren't spent praisin' no more.
so why we scavenging for chocolates for?

chocolates are only temporary.
we ALL need something for eternally -
fill our hearts with passion;
not a basket of slow killing poison!
Delusional bunnies fill our basket, just once a year.
Christ fills our heart with lovin'&appreciatin' all and EVERY year

that's where its at bra. JESUS CHRIST!

a step into the future

this year is vital.
even more vital than last year.
i have to get in.
i have to get in.
i have to get in.


its my second time round.
v i c t o r y lap.
so when do i get to the victory part?


if only.
if only.
if only.
i was smarter;
i wouldnt struggle this hard
i wouldnt have to be so desparate
a c c e p t m e . p l e a s e ?
oh how much i say that in my life.
paaathetic.

but intelligence
oh how priceless
but how much peace it would bring to this stage of my life.

reminise.

how my life has changed these few years of highschool.

loss connections with friends that i thought i would never loose
i wanted to think nothing has changed. but how can that be?
when its right in front of my eyes.
thank you for that mini pillow, that you gave me so that i can always hug it and cry into it when im sad
i still use it, and think of you every time.
had to throw it into the washer a few times cause it was so gross
i miss you mary. i miss those days were we climbed trees and were u n s t o p p a b l e.
well now its come to a stop.
when the partners in crime are no longer partners..

delighted with growing friendships
broken when they deminish within weeks.
what happened.
was it me?
.. whats wrong with me?
did i do something wrong?
im sorry. i miss you. i miss the times we've had. even the littlest things..
thanks for getting me on busses thats summer agnes : )

you bring truth in the phrase "you take it for granted til its gone"
i havent seen you since the end of school..
i miss the lunches we have, the journey's we'd travel to just get a muffin and coffee
- the times youve stuck by me when i was having a crumby day
still think of those days when we dont have a thing to do and we just sit in the hall and talk
i miss you katelyn..
have fun out in the fields, but stay safe.

you've drawn for me, you've written for me
we've been through everything together.
ashley, where do i start.. we're so different, but somehow we were so close
i still have the poem you wrote, bout the three of us.
so unseparatable. but here we are. separated..
take care of bella, tell her about me.. tell her the adventures we've been on
the stories we've made up..
shes's a treasure ashley, and so are you.
take care ashes-

you little smartie you!
so envious of how you find all these things managable..
so proud of you, getting into mcmasterr katie
so so proud of you, but i knew youd get in - no doubt.
miss you lots, and i feel bad that we didnt talk more..
i still remember at retreats, winter retreat..
when we would stay up all night catching up a year's worth..
i treasure those times with all my heart.
be my future family doctor or whatever doctor you become pleasee

we grew up together. we were the closest thing..
til overrated d r a m a got to us.
i cant believe it broke us..
as much as we want to say it didnt..
we arent as close anymore. its a shame. its a loss, for me at least.
i dont know how to start a conversation with you strangely
but once we do talk. i love it.
i feel like we were never separated at all,
and i wish it can go on for hours..
just hope you know i love you dearly cavina
youre the sweetheart that everyone loves
with great reason
take care of yourself cav, clumsy cav, love you spills and all
all wash your shirt and pants all over again if you fall in a hole
just come to the pond and help me catch another frog kay?

youre a jumble of joy. your laughs warm my heart
i still miss the summer we spent together. arguably one of my best.
i promised we'd do it again
but it never happened.
i guess im undependable and theres others that are
cause we dont talk so much anymore
i think of you as one of best friends hailey. hope you know.
wish we talked online more,
im sorry i couldnt keep up with those letters i wrote every week
honestly im jealous of you and jenn litterally knowing every little thing that happens
its cute blocking each other.. or im just a mess
wish we did more together..
but times of an essence isnt it?
love you hailey

youre so cute, not in the way you find children attractive
movies and blankets
picking strawberries in awkward childhood pants
minature skits in my room with costumes and makeup of bright colour
the dreams you have are messed up, and how you'd still tell me shamelessly
i love that about you jenjenn
love your integrity in school, and so proud of your grades that you achieve
have fun at mc. behave yourself and have funn
ill miss you more than words can tell
love you jenjenn

sorry i always drive you crazy
perhaps the gender difference makes it even harder for you
you spoil me so much its terrible!
its making me really princessy. and i hate it.
but thank you for being here for me for so long,
staying beside me when i break down and snapp
taking my hits when i lash out just cause i cant take it anymore..
instead of getting mad you'd hold me and tell me you love me
buy me chocolates to cheer me up
thank you for chasing after me
when im ignorant enough to walk away.
i appreciate it more than i show it,
and im sorry i dont show you my appreciation as much as i should
thank you mike, i love you lots, hope you know.