happy new years!

happy new years to all who read this.. =D

started my day rather.. unusual? hm.. i woke up in my suitcase.. i was up til 2am packing for my winter retreat trip that was in 3 days.. i was so exsausted.. that i just decided to nap were i was.. on the cover of my suitcase... and my nap.. ended up being until the next day...

then church.. it started out pretty normal.. and today's service was diff.. it was all prayer... in groups of 4.. my group, mee.mary.agnes.michelle.

after service we just sat in the inner court and talked.. mainly because i didn't want to walk around.. it was cold.. = / then my tummy started to feel weird.. ><" then we played cards.. and discussed what we're going to do during retreat.. and what we're going to wear for the formal dinner.. and what we're going to do for new years..

homee

went on msn as i worked on my unicef project.. i think this is how my new years is going to be wasted.. doing school work.. POOH-IEEE!! and if i dont do it now.. i wont have time.. im busy the rest of the holiday.. so britt asks me to go over to her place for the count down.. i think she might be a bit disappointed at me now.. its her millionth time asking if i can go out and hang with her and ashes and ppl over the holidays.. and not once did i get a chance to.. ahh.. guilty-ness.. =( as least i got her a pressie.. =)


this past year.. has been memorable and a very busy one... so much happened.. things that i've experienced - more bad than good, had changed the way i think and changed the order or things i care about most.

the first thing that comes to mind.. would be.. my trip to hong kong.. this past summer was my first time in 8 years.. so i was excited.. i remembered previous years that i went.. it was so funn.. my cousins were a blast.. and we were like best friends.. mainly.. all the memories got me all excited.. but when i was there.. i can't say it felt the same i did before.. i was homesick plenty.. my cousins couldnt care less about me. and i was pretty much alone the whole time.. as my mom was with my aunt.. i was either alone, or babysitting my cousin that only complains.. i learned to appreciate everything i had back home.. even the littlest things.. and it changed me.. to always look to see if others are left out in anything..

then vancouver, that was just pure funn.. i was slightly missing home and friends.. but i was happy... there was no anger.. it was pure smiles..

then earlier in the year.. TC2oo6 - well.. that is always a memory.. =)

and softball outings.. its been the first in the longest time going to something 'sporty' other than with school..

there's more.. but i dont feel like posting.. =]


welcoming 2oo7 . hope this will be a great year for everyone! =DD

3 day buffalo trip

Dec 25, o6

Woke up at 9:25am, brushed up and I just sat there staring at my suitcase to see if I forgot anything. I then called mary to see if she can take care of Sheldon - my froggie [named by Janice] amuzingly she was out.. o_O but she got home pretty fast.. so then we dropped off froggie at mary’s at 10:22am.

Then we headed to ‘ahh king’ or perfect restaurant, arrived at 10:30am, on time =) to meet everyone; Lam fam (uncle jimmy, auntie kim, shelby&bethany, Lai fam (uncle senny, auntie sally, angel&Kelvin), Poon fam (uncle Stanley, auntie mona&jane), my fam and Jordan. I personally didn’t know that Jordan was coming with us.. = /

Then we began the long car ride to the niagara.. We got out to take

pictures and then we went pass the bridge.. and waited on rainbow st. (?) for everyone to get through.. [lai’s car took the longesttt xD]

then we got to holiday inn, and checked in. room 615.. as lam is in 620, poon’s – i dunno..., lai+jordan’s 612 .

dinner at 5:30pm, in the hotel restaurant -- denny's.. since it was christmas.. they closed early, 6pm... there were only 3 people working.. and we booked a seat ahead of time.. so we sat in the front to be seated.. and these [not to be racist] black people came in wanting to eat also.. but the restaurant said that it was past 6.. and she got all made yelling and cursing as she slowly made her way out.. saying that they would serve [us], chinese . japs . koreans and such.. and not them.. yes.. called us japs.. and we had a big of a scramble cause of that.. anyway... dinner was good.. other than the whole.. commotion?

after we swam.. and had a junk food meeting.. where we sit and eat.. junk food in front of the tv.. it was funn.. =)

Dec 26, o6

started the morning off even earlier than school.. x( suckks… so we got breakfast in our room.. i liked the pancakes.. xD

not too much later we went out again.. shopping… there at the mall at 9 in the morning.. don’t think i’ve done that before.. but i loved that mall.. for get the name of it.. but it was awesome.. i got so much stuffs.. and i was so tired by 2pm.. we ate lunch in the food court..

went to target to do some shopping.. but me personally.. I didn’t like target so much.. =/ its more like walmart.. but target…

then for dinner we went to old country buffet.. it was good.. but i didn’t like the mac&cheese as much as everyone else.. *shrugs*

went back to the hotel… and i didn’t swim again.. as some people did.. then we met in a room watching tv, talking.. playing cards and eating..

-- sleep..

Dec 27, o6

started the morning with packing.. finished pretty soon and fell asleep again… xPP but i finished packing.. so it was all ok.. =) then we got breakfast in our room again.. and once again.. i liked the pancakes.. =D

out to boulevard mall… early in the morning.. 9:45am? the mall just opened, but the stores weren’t.. so we stood in front of the stores as they set up.. felt like we were stalking them or something.. *sigh* love those stores.. but so expensiveee… D= but still.. i got a shirt on sale… =))

we went to target again.. why? dunno.. but i went to best buy.. and drooled over the nanos.. i want one so bad.. pooh-iee.. so yea.. after i was done drooling over the nanos i went to the laptops and went online.. didn’t do much.. nothing actrully..

for lunch we went to another old country buffet.. sorta getting tired of that place..

then we went to old navy.. and i bought pants..

drove back to TO.. and went to congee king..

home..

[can you tell that i got sorta bored telling all the boring details at the end? *noddd*]

one more day til christmas

started my day early again.. got up at 8 i think? cuz we had to pick janice&friends up.. all at one location.. so it was faster.. then churchhh.. wow.. i was so tired.. and hungry.. sat in the library with ankie as she finished up her cards.. and i sat there.. more like took over the couch.. up til around 3 making the reindeer.. and finished writing the paper things in bed..

i had one of ankie's oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.. =) it was pretty good.. but i dunno.. didn't really feel like eating it at the time.. but i did anyway.. =)

then service.. the group of us sat in the front on the floor like we did last year.. but last year there were no room at all for us.. this year.. we just sat there.. wesL . jashen . nathanS . derekH . and janice got bapisted today.. =) ha.. and we were taking pictures of people's feet.. xDD

then the baby dedication.. and of course the message. i mite of dozed off for a minute or two.. i dont like the translations.. and i was so tired.. but i didn't doze for too long.. but it was a good message!

then there was baoww outside for us to eats.. but i didnt.. cause im a bit tired of it.. and ha! edward.. *shiney faceee* as wesW is just *shineyy* and wow.. forgot cavina's name! aww... claudia? Cassity? wow.. good try?

then we went to the sanctuary for the danielfellow picture.. after.. belly button poking? o_O yes.. yess..

then i go homes.. and now.. im bored.. yay!~

hm.. seriously? im wondering what im going to do for christmas.. supposedly going to buffalo.. but then.. my parents are like.. ahhh and yea.. dunno if we are.. if not.. anyone else have nuthing to do? =D

Lumas Reunion

wow what a dayyy... started at a early 7:30am.. on a holiday saturday.. how very rare.. and the reason? to buy candy canes.. happens that four.. FOUR stores where sold out of themm.. finally.. as my dad was about to blow for driving me around.. i found a store that had some.. but i made it quick so he doesn't have to stay for too long.. and so i was at the cashiers.. paying.. then some guy booked it out of the store.. i had no idea why.. and when i was walking out of the store.. i noticed that i didn't have my wallet.. i suddenly know why they guy booked it.. >< then i was like.. nawww.. i problably dropped it somewhere in the store.. so i go around looking for it.. not surprisingly.. not to be found.. so i left my name and number to the manager for them to call if they found it..

so all D= in the car.. going.. going.. i forget.. my mom calls me.. and tells me to go to 42 division to pick up my wallet.. and where was i suppose to know where 42 division is??? so i decided to bother mom to pick it up with me later.. since i probably caused a few white hairs for my pop's already.. but im not too surprised that they turned it in.. i had around 5 bucks in change.. and a whole lot of random cards that wont be useful to anyone.. yay! =DD im guessing that the person that it would have a lot of $$$ in it cause the wallet was an expensive wallet.. [got from my auntiee in hk.. =) ]

so i went to my dad's office to make the little candy cane reindeer.. only made one box.. and less than an hour later.. im at church.. i was so tired then..

only moments later cavina showed up.. so me.vina.and james sat on the couch.. and .. talked about the number 12.. yes.. the number 12..

we eventually made our way.. to the den [ ithink] and we played yank-ies swap.. fun.. and thx ankiee for filling in the pressie part.. [ if i only knew we were suppose to bring pressies.. ] and the popular gifts.. wes.w's pooh bear, toberone, wallet+$5 and i think those were the most popular.. and booo.. number 16 isn't so lucky.. i wanted poohs.. then i would have eeyore, lumpy AND poohs.. but i have a mini.. mini pooh.. so i guess its all good.. =) instead i got nancy's chOcOlaTe fondue thing.. *yumm*

after we ordered pizzaaahh.. and the smartie on the other end got a SmAll mixed up with a LarGe.. and jon.t was >= l --awww.. its ok! and the cakess.. good stuff good stuff..

then service.. ug.. it putt me all = l and for some very odd reason.. once im = l its a bit hard to get myself out of it.. but none the less, it was good.. candles.. im scared of lighters.. and such.. not so much of like.. camp fires tho.. probably cause i grew up seeing it a lot.. but lighters.. burnt me beforeee.. = / anyway.. while helping with the chairs my dad.. supposedly at something came to pick me up to go to east general [?? one at coxwell] to see auntiee louise, caught in a car accident.. with a truck.. o_O but she's ok.. she's ok.. so is her daughter.. a-okayy..

so waiting for the doc took a long time.. and i was at the hospital.. sitting there like a lump on a tree for .. 9:30 - 12.. 2 and a half hours.. and i hate the smell of hospitals.. ickk.. and i passed my old house.. =) haven't been there for a bit.. pharmacy and danforth.. so far from where i live now.. ><"

and i got home.. not too long ago.. and right after this post.. i have to make candy cane reindeers for my dears at church tomorrow.. =)

todayyy...

daniel fellowship.. with a potluck and pressie exchange thingy.. =) so i made my little sausage and pineapple thingies.. i needed pineapple.. so i was going to go to nofrilllssss to pick up a can.. and yeppiee.. the car battery and kaa-putttt.. =( so i booked it to the bus stop in the rain.. i didnt have timeee, i would be late even then.. and i was still in my comfy pjs.. xDD i feel asleep and whacked myself on the pole.. yay! but at least i didnt miss my stop.. =) so i went to nofrillies and got pineapple.. and slowly made my way to church.. so tired.. and i made it asapp.. i made it in time.. =DDD

food.. yumms.. i like gummy bears.. =) and then there was a very green kiwi drink thing.. o_O oh yea.. some thing made all the girls feel =( in the tummy.. not for me thoo.. =))) but then i was hyper enough to go jumping around trying to touch the tinsel across the ceiling that made my tummy feel =( but i was ehh-oh-kayy..

then we had the yank-iesss umm.. yankiesss_____ (???) it was so funn.. lucky number 22 got me lumpy!! =DDD awww.. so happs..

then what happened.. ><" rightt. we sat on the couch and watched the guys whip my hackysack around.. and it busted a hole! <=O and the little rocks fell out.. and now.. 1/3 of the sacky is emptyy.. RIP rainbow hackyy
[shuckss.. i just found it again too.. i lost it.. to ralph!! *booo* im kidding..]

what a day.. now im exausted.. sorta.. just had a few strawberry gummies.. xDD

turn the other cheek

i am so sick.. so sick of being blamed for things i haven’t done.. things that i haven’t done has taken my privileges away. taking what she promised me away.. taking what i’ve earned away. i don’t see how im suppose to let it go.. and it doesn’t just happen once, but over and over again..

i have done what the Lord says.. at least this one that i happen to have on my mind quite often… if someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other cheek. or along those lines.. ive been slapped across the face.. for no reason. i looked her in the eye and said… here this side too. i don’t know if i’ve accomplished anything.. but all I’ve gotten is disappointment.. why do i always have to be blamed for things that i didn’t do? and why wont i let myself stand up for myself.. [btw, that’s why i have a big reaction when I get accused..]

in this house.. its like everyone is on their own.. im alone on the computer, dad on his upstairs, and when my mother in the basement... i dont see a family.. its more like individuals trapped in one house..

questions i ask:

why do what happens to me happen to me?

what’s the reason behind all this?

what can I do to change this?

can I change this?

what is this suppose to mean?

why is all this taking me away from you?

-- there are so many more questions running in my mind. but this is all I feel like doing..

Lord God...you seem to be invisible right now.. I feel alone. I don’t feel your presence... please, show yourself to me and guide me along…

Lord. Give me a sign.

Christmas wish

[i write this with my earbuds in my ears. volume up high. i still here the arguments… that’s happening UPSTAIRS…]

my parents.. i don’t think i remember the last time they had a long conversation.. without ending with argument.. remember so many times.. my mom walks out the door and drives away as i run after the car in my socks a few streets.. or until i can’t keep up.. then she comes home.. the next day.. then my dad.. at 3 in the morning wakes me up for a 2 hour lecture and i pinch myself just to keep myself awake.. it hurts me so much.. I have a picture of the 3 of us.. me. mom. dad. in front of a Christmas tree.. smiling.. truly.. I think i was 7 then.. i remember every part of that day.. and i haven’t seen that happen again.. since… i know this will stay with me for my life.. and i will continue having nightmares of this.. repeating itself over and over again.. [readers: know what I go through, its where im sensitive along with other things in previous posts... don’t use my weakness to make me cry . its cruel]

argument subjects: if its not because one thing.. its another.. its amazing how they argue over just about everything.. over the house[renovating] .. dinner being 5 minutes late.. putting the curtains up.. ebay.. internet.. bills.. the yard.. the grass is too long.. and during the Christmas time.. [argues for dad to wrapp the odd shaped presents. cuz he can wrap] or MY room is messy [mom goes on that my dad influences me…leaving a stack of papers on my desk..] .. really.. they blame each other for anything.. and everything..

i try to stop it.. and i always get in bigger trouble.. its none of your business.. am i talking to you?? , you’re the youngest in this house – you don’t get to talk.. or just shuttt upp..

yay.. how loved I feel.. oh.. and they keep yelling in my face.. telling me - or commanding me to agree with them..

my mom’s phrase that she repeats to me every time they’re arguing..

“remember daughter, never marry a man like your father.”x2 (she likes to repeat)

and my dad just goes on about how I shouldn’t be like my mother.. pretty much the same thing over and over..

i know what i want most this Christmas; happiness, smiles and love in the family...

thoughts

im not really going to use names or in complete detail.. but.. what u dont do can hurt just as much as doing something..

i normally like to ignore as much as i can.. what ppl do or not do.. but its sorta hard when you're always there.. and you do it to me all the time.. and its really annoying how you do that to me alone.. but all.. opposite from what you do to me, to others.. and when you dont stop.. or get over it.. what ever it is..

one thing is that i dont think i've done anything to her.. i was there when she needed me.. and.. she ditches me when someone else comes along.. she acts like your best friend one moment.. and your worst enemy the next..

i dont like a broken routine.. you always said hi to me when you saw me.. then all of a sudden.. u dont.. it makes me wonder what i did.. and i have no clue.. i didn't do anything.. as far as i know...

yepp.. short short.. but i feel like blogging it.. its on my mind..

first christmas thing this year...

Canto Christmas .. dinner?

today started off.. alright.. i got to sleep in! =))) man.. havent done that in so long... so i caught up with my sleep.. then.. i went and did a bit of homework.. and then... i think i was already getting ready to go!! supposedly mom was going to drive me.. but then dad got home.. so he drove me.. and i was there.. half an hour late.. [suppose to get there at 4] and my dad slept in the car -_-
supposedly i was just going to watch.. but i ended up on stage.. being a 'wife'? hmm.. o_O it was very awkward.. the game was funny tho.. =) find ur wife.. xDD pastor raymond.. smartie.. im not ur wifee.. nope.. nope.. nopee... i think i was turning bringt pink/red ... then the fat monkey.. grosssss.. and i feel so bad for alfred.. he had a wasabi filled sushi.. ><
*sighhh* all that preparation has paid off.. other than the end.. where we messed up.. other wise.. its all good.. =)

better now

-- me better now.. =))

secret santa.. what am i suppose to gettt.. ><" stressfull...

canto christmas thing is 2nite! yay... =)

not very enthusiastic am i.. its saturday.. 10:46am.. why am i up? no idea..

going to napp. =)

loosingg itt baddd

i knew this can't go on for long... i am at this very momentt.. i am about to explode in tears.. never mind.. i already am.. i cannot take my mom.. and the problems that fill my mind.. that only increases by every second . moment . thought . NEVERMIND. the more i think.. the more i am about to scream.. and and.. i dunno. i dont.. i have no idea what i'm suppose to do..
but i am so close in fully walking out the door and just.. running awayy.. i hate this place.. its almost 90% of the reason.. or the place where i feel the most.. unsafe?
love how my mom loves to pick at my sensitive subjects.. sensitive now.. cuz that's where all my problems lay.. yet she loves to.. and not positively.. i dont know how i'm suppose to .. to.. take in what she's saying and not respond to it.. she makes it up too.. and its only normal to reply and say that isn't true.. but when i do.. she thinks i'm --- lost of thought.. i just blew it for a sec.. yea.. so she say that i skip.. i dont skip.. and then she goes on.. and on.. for hours at end... its sorta hard to just let her talk.. cuz it isn't talking.. its yelling.. i dunno.. i can't let it pass.. cuz i'll come back.. since she loves repeating.. i listen.. and i explode.

yea.. cant blog anymore.. or cuz i can't type as i scream..

i'm going to loose it.. loose it bad.

[lost thought]
[lost thought]

...dec 12.o6

today was 'MoShow' -- mowat's talent show.. wow.. this year.. was a disappointment.. not a lot of good stuff.. and i got a head ache from one of the bands.. xS and i was smart enough to spend the only 3 dollars i had on me on the ticket... and starve through the day.. >__>
tummy growls
LOUD tummy growls aren't cool.
they aren't
but i had them..
YAY.

8 stressful days of school left.. its only 8 days.. but so much needs to be done in those 8 days.. so many projects... assignments.. tests.. 'so close yet so far' i cannot waitt.. and i want it to go by faster.. hard when i'm staying up almost every night.. every night. xs

and yesterday? or whenever.. i had a fruitloop. A fruitloop.. pink one. and the hall monitor lectured me.. (!!!) seriously... DO NOT EAT IN THIS HALL! its A fruitloop.. yet he doesn't say a thing to the people who are fully sitting down and eating.. o_O second time.. last time it was a cheerio. i like circular foods.. =)) xDD but yes.. the hall monitor has a problem with me.. he now stalks me around the school to see if i eat in any other hall..
i must b cursed or something.. xs

and to jenn.. LA.. just emailed me. o_O yes.. after the 'disturb.disturb. disturb' asked if i was on the swim team. someone saveeee meee..

i was going to write another paragraph.. but i'm being kicked off.. byess

random-nesss

after the storm,
the rainbow is high,
bright in colours.
birds flying high,
free...
and now,
i'm finally flying with them...

i have no idea why i wrote that.. sorta how i feel? sorta.. but its .. I HAVE NO IDEA.. but i just felt like blogging it.. YES i am weird..

imu katy!

awww.. katy is going to hk for 3 weeks.. this friday to january 6th... my dear neighbor.. how much i'll miss having her around..
hugs for katy!
and aww.. she was fully not wanting to go home yet today.. i'd make my dad stay.. but knowing him.. he'd get a migraine.. and i dont want to be held responsible for his grumpy-ness..

few thoughts on my mind...

acceptance.. one that i've struggled with for as long as i can remember... i may have a lot of friends, but not too many are close.. and i couldn't say that i feel accepted even by them..

i miss the time where i had a best friend with me in school... we were together all the time.. we were like inseparable.. i felt accepted.. i had someone there.. all the time.. but when somehow we got into a fight.. that i really didn't start.. and i lost her.. it really hurt.. i fully tore me apart.. i felt so lonely.. like i just lost something really precious.. i miss that feeling of safety.. someone always there.. but i'm terrified of that feeling of being ripped apart.. i still have flashbacks.. i ran away to the ravine fence.. and i sat there crying.. it was so painful.. i didn't do anything.. and i only wish i did.. so i can appologize.. so that everything will go back to normal.. and it hurt.. she decides to start being good friends with another girl.. that 'lead' a group.. one that i grew up with.. that pretty much did the same to me around a year before..

i think that's how i started getting.. scared to be alone-phobia.. whatever the word is.. but i don't know what'd i'd do if i had to got through it again.. i dont know what i did to deserve it.. i wish i did.. so i will know.. and not to do it again.. so for all the people who read this... and everyone else.. i'm sorry if i ever did anything to you.. i am.. promise.

i hate.. being there.. with 'friends' and all of a sudden.. they turn their backs.. quite literally. it hurts.. some people will never experience this.. like they just had a beautiful path given to them.. that everyone would love them without even working.. as for some.. earning it.. and sometimes.. just given a bad earn.. its almost like school. there are the kids that never listen in class. always the ones talking.. fooling around. but get the high marks.. for some, they work work work but they might not even get there.. or sometimes.. a full let down and they get a low mark.. something like that i guess..

after so many years.. acceptance has still claimed a place in my problems list.. hopefully. one day. it'll go away. for good. until that day.. i'll have to work my way around it.. and through it..

responsibility

goodness.. the things that i always end up doing.. i always end up doing things that i dont have to.. i always end up doing things for people.. taking up other's responsiblities.. right now.. i think i just took on 4 (?) things.. and really.. its getting on my nerves.. i can barely handle all the responsiblities that i have on my own.. and a thing about me.. if i was doing something for someone.. i would put in my hardest.. that also relates to time and energy.. which takes away from my homework time/energy..
history.. i dont like my history teacher.. hardest marker [backed up by many] she gives the shortest time to accomplish the assignments . hardest marker . picky . takes a ton of marks off for the littlest things . and she likes to give extra assignments that no other class has... this is driving me crazy..
Civics.. here comes the pressure.. last assignment.. and its worth 10% of our mark.. yikess..
so much more.. but.. dont feel like going on and on about school.. if its not on my mind enoughh.. ><"
family.. i guess its ok.. that's only because we've been barely speaking to eachother.. -_- green iggs and hammm.. this sucks.. so lonely...

but i'm still happy.. and i'm making it last.. cannot wait til christmas.. 20 days!!!

status: =DDD

well.. its been a while since i've been =DDD but im so glad to be.. off the top today.. .. no reason really.. but i miss my ET's too much.. <> to ALL.. =) anyway.. so just today proved a bit of what i think.. im weird..

i think that its not always a good thing to always tell someone to "smile" when they're sad.. its ok to sometimes.. but for me.. its like.. once ur sad.. why not just let it all out so u'll be over it.. but if you were like me.. easily forced to smile.. its not always so great. cuz its almost like making you put on a fake smile and fake being happy.. and for me it makes it all go straight to bottle-ing.. but sometimes.. its like.. its impossible to even grin.. so it can help.. to take u out of the hole if ur in too deep.

i dont think i made a lot of sense.. anyways.. byessss EvErYoNe! <333