Christmas wish

[i write this with my earbuds in my ears. volume up high. i still here the arguments… that’s happening UPSTAIRS…]

my parents.. i don’t think i remember the last time they had a long conversation.. without ending with argument.. remember so many times.. my mom walks out the door and drives away as i run after the car in my socks a few streets.. or until i can’t keep up.. then she comes home.. the next day.. then my dad.. at 3 in the morning wakes me up for a 2 hour lecture and i pinch myself just to keep myself awake.. it hurts me so much.. I have a picture of the 3 of us.. me. mom. dad. in front of a Christmas tree.. smiling.. truly.. I think i was 7 then.. i remember every part of that day.. and i haven’t seen that happen again.. since… i know this will stay with me for my life.. and i will continue having nightmares of this.. repeating itself over and over again.. [readers: know what I go through, its where im sensitive along with other things in previous posts... don’t use my weakness to make me cry . its cruel]

argument subjects: if its not because one thing.. its another.. its amazing how they argue over just about everything.. over the house[renovating] .. dinner being 5 minutes late.. putting the curtains up.. ebay.. internet.. bills.. the yard.. the grass is too long.. and during the Christmas time.. [argues for dad to wrapp the odd shaped presents. cuz he can wrap] or MY room is messy [mom goes on that my dad influences me…leaving a stack of papers on my desk..] .. really.. they blame each other for anything.. and everything..

i try to stop it.. and i always get in bigger trouble.. its none of your business.. am i talking to you?? , you’re the youngest in this house – you don’t get to talk.. or just shuttt upp..

yay.. how loved I feel.. oh.. and they keep yelling in my face.. telling me - or commanding me to agree with them..

my mom’s phrase that she repeats to me every time they’re arguing..

“remember daughter, never marry a man like your father.”x2 (she likes to repeat)

and my dad just goes on about how I shouldn’t be like my mother.. pretty much the same thing over and over..

i know what i want most this Christmas; happiness, smiles and love in the family...