part two e.xa.m.s

another rant post regarding e.x.a.m.s ...

too much work!

2 more exams coming up.. and its suppose to be moratorium, but i dont think the teachers get it.. homework . homework . homework . i have 3 science projects due in the beginning of february and a science test on everything we've done so far.. thats like another exam.. and a math test right when we get back from exams.

busy busy busy busy

--i dont like school >_<

e.x.a.m.s.

exams.. the 5 letter word that you hate to hear.. well, that's for me..
but im glad that i only have 3 this term, sucks to be a niner.. with .. most likely more.
so here comes the exams, or the remainder.. jan 29th, feb1st
and i just hate loosing time with friends, to studying..
this better pay off..
e.x.a.m.s
hate that word. hate those letters. in that order. exams can go die in a hole.

can't wait til after thisss

[... now it's about making through each day...]

so the boonies isn’t as safe as it use to be.. around half a year ago? someone broke into our van and trashed it… change was taken, and a set of walkie talkies… now.. someone breaks in again, this finding nothing … as smart as this thief is, he left HIS keys --on the dashboard. i know that he has a honda, a few safe’s.. some a GNC gold card thing… it better not have anything to do with the new neighbors…

two days before my civics exam, and my teacher teaches us material that is on the exam. two days before the exam, as other teacher taught it in october, turns out that our teacher is way far behind, or at least further than i expect… and two days before she tells us what’s on the exam. just wondering how i’ll do.. *rolls eyes* *shakes fist as sjouwerman*

wow.. how many more cuts and scraps? bruises on both my knees.. big and purple-iee..

matt.c how much i despise him.. yet he’s always there.. in my face.. ran behind me and pretty much body checked me into paul. -_- i hate being small.. >= l then there’s amber today.. my very gentle friend.. ran me over.. hm.. more like gave me a big hug.. and dragged me off to her class.. and crashed me into a locker.. -_- lost some skin on my elbow thxx to herrr..

after school, i went to sally’s house, shortened day, 1PM dismissal =) buss-ieed. sally . alyssa . yeyoung&&iii~ we sang singstar… aww, so funn! ~singstar . fuzz ball . just talking about our childhood.&&studying. four hours of time with my friends. it was great. =)))

there’s my happy story of the week… i don’t look forward to anything anymore.. no more DF on fridays for a bit… never doing much on saturdays.. && with problems at church, i don’t like too forward to that either..

[... now it's about making through each day...]

note...

what’s happening.. i was really glad that everything was happy, a short while ago.. little problems, less to stress over.

as for now, everything is coming back up again.. ><”

and no, i do not, not want to hang out with the tgirls. (do not, not –double negativee) i want to hang out with them, i just want to be able to hang out with other people as well, and not like im restricted.. or having to hang out with other people but feeling guilty, having those looks to deal with..

[[note to the tgirls, if u still come here..]]

i've missed you guys on sunday.. didn't talk much, if at all.. and we definitely didn't do anything together...

one thing that makes me cry… when i hit a point that i have so much confusion around me, feel like i don’t have a place that i really belong and feel safe and happy in, feel lost, alone, and disowned.. those three short words really make me cry.. especially when its from someone that i haven’t exactly heard it from in so long.. almost too long.

So this happens today.. i was in a way anxious to go to church today.. i looked so forward to it during the week.. with a little bit of discouragement along the way.. but still.. i was wanting to go to church.. so i was there. at church. not knowing what to think of feel. then the slightest sign of the arrival.. i felt like i was slowly disappearing.. and from then on, i just lost all feelings and all the confusion.. all the questions that has been floating around in my mind just emerge..

all the time, i always look forward to going to church.. its what i look forward to during the week.. but once i’m there, around half way through.. i just want to go home.. i ran away from the loneliness at home to go to church, and then i run home away from the loneliness at church.. so in a way, my life’s a circle.. going no where..

goals in life.. and my profession later on, what im going to be.. i’ve been thinking about, and asked about from parents. at the moment. goal; profession; future.. in a way scares me.. im not looking forward to future, yet i can’t wait until the upcoming weekend. so if you’re a reader… and have read past posts.. I’m not doing so ‘excellent’ in school.. stressing over everything, and trying to run away from it all.. so looking into the future and what i want to be, sorta depends on what and how im doing now.. and all the confusion and questions in between only blurs the whole ‘plan’ or ‘idea’ of my goal in profession later on..

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so my problems… are things that are on my mind.. there are so many, and some that are so hard to be put in words.. but things that i ponder, day after day.. but for now.. i will go on about how i love the snow..

Snow.. falling and after

while it snows, i like to look up into the sky or to just focus on one one snowflake.. and follow it down with my eyes.. and its like, a pure angel falling out of the heavens and covering the dirty streets and making it look all new, and beautiful.. but then the pure angel snow flakes are later on squished into the mud.. and turn all brown.. and.. un-pure. its almost like, they came down, to make everything good for that short time that its there, before it gets taken over, or ruined by the dirtiness…

when the snow has stopped falling, and no cars have driven by to make tracks.. sitting there, looking out to a white winter scene.. its all still, like a picture, but more beautiful than the most beautiful painted winter scene. almost like time has frozen, and there is no life.. so calming.. so silent. always have that temptation to run up and dance around.. fall down, and look up at the white sky. and at that moment, you just want to stay there forever..

so that’s my little.. thing on snow.. yea.. as i was writing this.. i was starring out the window.. staring at this tree that’s in my neighbors yard.. watched that tree grow.. =]

saturday . january . 13 . 2oo7

started my day early, went to my cousin’s house, and pretty much babysat the whole day, having a kid pull at your hand as you’re on msn for those three minutes until they shut the computer down for you.. or having them yell in your ear and find it hilarious.. -_-

from 2 -3, i took them to their chinese class, yipeee! seriously.. i got time to just.. rest. then i picked them up.. and once again just babysat to around 6:45 pm, then we went to centennial skating rink, haven’t been there in a long time.. years. i was in a way looking forward, but slightly scared, it would be my first time in 3 years skating. i didn’t remember much, and my skates.. my aunt’s skates, didn’t fit too well, but it was the closest thing i had. bit too small, so i took my cousin, pretty much taught her how to skate.. later i got to go on my own, skating, around, and around, and around..

these 3 little kids, hockey kids, were so cute, but annoying.. they followed me around, then started to cut around in front me.. and i’m not that good a skater.. and it doesn’t help that i haven’t skated in 3 years, and my skates not fitting comfortably.. im guessing that they were tring to make me fall, and eventually, it worked.. i fell.. and scrapped my hand.. *ouchieees*

after we went out to dindin [dinner], keung kee, my cousins apparently like that place.. so we went, had din, and left for h.o.m.e.

the moment i got home, i took a shower, and was asleep within an hour that i got home..

Anonymous said...

Hey,

I would not say that it is your first time 'flying out of the nest', because you are typically always around other people (not the Timothy Girls). However I do not really find a problem in that. Maybe you are just looking at the Timothy Girls in a different perspective than before?

PS: congratulations on your 'new' group of 'friends'(:

thanks anonymous.. i think i have a pretty good idea who you are.. so yea.. why not just put ur name up?
get in my face.. im pretty sure it wont be your first..

and what.. always around other people other than the timothy girls.. as in standing around.. ur not in my place.. ur a really different person that i am. i never felt like i had a real spot in the group.. my clinque in the tgirls clinque was small and was barely around.. nvm that.. so i go elsewhere.. going to somewhere new just seems better than suffering in a home.. not much of a difference in staying at home.. there in familiar surroundings but not feeling safe.. so yes. i stand out of the group from time to time.. but i still never was accepted much.. i would sit around.. but not really into the conversation thats taking place..

and i never did look at the timothy girls in a different perspective.. i always looked at the group the same.. i just never responded to anything.. i just kept it to myself..

and thx for the sarcasm at the end.. 'new' 'friends' if you want me out.. its not like my first time going through this type of thing.. give me a holler and you wont see me. thank for making my day. i always knew i can count on you.

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i dont know when i can find a place. a group of people. that i can really feel like i have a place. i just feel like i want to run away.. to a place. where i can just be accepted... i think im born with this curse..
history does repeat itself.. it does with me.. does for me..
why does everything i do . not do . say . or not say.. always.. someone will hate me for it..
!@#$%^ nevermind.. second half of this thing.. srry for wasting your time.. its just really getting on my nerves.. like all my friends that i've grown up with has something that i dont see whats wrong, against me. dont i have choices? i dunt know.. i've always lived life with a lot of decisions decided for me.. and as i always am.. fighting to make my own choices... that only leads to more trouble.. -_-

[ran outta time -_- continue this later..]

snow

makes even the ugly things beautiful

white blanket over it all

it snoweeedd todayyy! while i was walking home.. my walk turned into twirls on the sidewalk.. x)

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volleyball unit! yussss.. i love volleyball.. but i can't say that im like awesome at it.. but i love it and im ok at it.. and today... was our first class.. happs me! ^^ but i dont like me class.. cheatterrrss

poohiess makes the game not so funn.. ya know's ...

oh well..

title-less

i happy this past week or so.. first.. i was with my etcbc family.. my favorite family..i was with the tgirls that i grew up with.. but its not that that made if special, its not like I haven’t done it before.. but at winter retreat.. i did something different.. i didn’t only hang out with the tgirls so much.. i went away from default..

it all happened when we got into an argument.. or someone was arguing as others just got unhappy and moved away.. im normally only with one group of people.. whether im happy with them or not..

but i decided to fully go to another group of people, people that i must say that i don’t know all that well.. and we talked… like we’ve known each other as well as each of the tgirls knew each other.. i think it was the night card games and the all nighter convos that i actually treasure.. i got to talk about something without worrying that im going to be judged.. some of you that may read this and were also present at the 2 nights might not even think the same.. but for me, i really haven’t gotten away from the original circle in a long time.. and it is really nice just to be out there, with other people enjoying myself and not get hurt..

i was disappointed today.. i was just trying to somewhat continue what was started there [winter retreat].. and it was ok.. i was accepted.. and my old group would come up to me and say that ive ‘ditched’ them or along those lines.. i don’t understand.. i have never flown from the nest.. and the moment i do.. i get lectured.. am i only allowed to stay in the nest? even if i don’t feel safe in it? when i can leave the nest for a bit to see the rest of the world..

i thought my sisters would be happy for me.. that i did something that i sorta wanted to for a long time.. and be happy with me.. but didn’t happen so much like that.. i was almost disowned for what im glad about…

and yepp.. my writing is written kinda odd.. but its what my head is sorta thinking about.. and at this point.. the best i can put in into words.. im not so good at putting words in for my feelings... i tried tho.. =]

got my wallet backk!!

yayyyy!!!

the story of my wallett.. on sat.23.o6 i went to 4 stores to buy CANDYCANES so i can make candycane reindeer for my buddiessss..

sold out in stores, all 4 of them.. [i wasnt lazy and did it last minute.. no one would give me a lift..] and it was my impatient daddio that was driving me around to the 4 locations.. so he was all grumpy as he drove.. so i tried to make it quick..

so at the last location.. sheppard&&markham i finally found a store that had a few left.. so i picked them up, went to the cashier.. as i waited in line i got my wallet.. and i squished my wallet between my elbow/upper arm and my side as i paid.. when i was paying this guy booked out of the store.. and i just mumbled ... someone's in a rushhh... and when i was going to put my change back in my wallet..

it was goneeee

so yea.. i knew why the guy booked it.. after.. so i left my number with the store manager.. just in case.. hoping that it gets returned or whatever..

1 hr laterr -- someone calls my house.. asking for meee.. and told my mom about my lost wallet.. at 42 divison.. thats like right across the street from where i was.. -__-

so today jan.6.o7 i went to 42 div to pick it up.. finally. i was constantly asking to go.. and every time they said yes.. we end up not going.. but finally.. i got to gooooo! =) so i went in and i said that i lost a wallet.. the policee officer was like.. Crystal right?? and i was like.. o_O uhhh yesss.. and he had my wallet rightt there on his deskk... like he knew i was comming or something.. awkwarddd..

back in the car i checked what i had left.. weird. i had around 5 bucks left.. movie pass still there.. gift card still there... what went byebyee.. my sentimentals .. my disneyland ticket.. and my ccsa banquet o6 ticket.. i actrually wantted to keep those!!

i think they took it cuz it was a gucci wallet.. and thinking that i had an expensive wallet&&purse they think that i had big bucks in my wallet? muahhahaha.. not so much... =)anyway, at least i got the rest backk.. =))) yay!

[thx willio for .. supporting? and filling me in with infooos.. thxxx!]

Winter Retreat o7!

Jan 2 - 4th, o7 - Shalom by the Lake

Winter retreat started early in the morning.. got up at around 7am and got to church around 8:15 or so.. sat around hanging out until we started to load the bus..

the long bus ride spent talking . singing . blowing feathers . and etc...

once we were out.. we made an assembly line.. or of that sort to take in all the luggage from the bus to the cabin(?) just as i've seen it in pictures.. its so nice there.. very homiee to me.. =]

we then ran downstairs to the rooms claiming rooms and beds.. i got top bunk! we unpacked a bit and then we went up for an intro and icebreaker by the rec; jt . szeto . jordan
it was pretty funn.. the 'will you buy my donkey?" game was hilarious.. i was, and still am surprised that i didnt break out laughing.. but i am overly happy that i didnt.. =DD

lunch, sandwichesss ~yumm =)

for the first free time, i spent the whole time writing warm fuzzies to people, to every single person, and try to think of something different and relates to them for each.. i was so tired after..

for dinner we had curry and rice!

worship and message by ivan basicly about silence is good to hear GOD's gentle whisper. we got a pebble to remind us to be silent as *forget whoo* would not speak when the pebble was in his his mouth

bible study about discipleship

snacks and then we some went tube-ing as the rest played games.. CARDS.. xDDD

supposedly lights out is at 11pm.. i didnt even sleep in my bed for 10 minutes this whole trip.. i hated the plastic-y mattress that made a sound with every little movement i made.. that did annoy me.. and others.. so we; agnes&&iii went to sleep in the girls common room couch.. so much more comfy.. not more than 15 minutes later cindy runs in and tells us that there's a movie upstairs.. we watched Step Up... slept a bit before morning.. not too much tho..

breakfastt . milk . orange juice . pancakes . toast . etcc

devotions was fairly fast.. didnt take me very long..

worship and message

lunchh was fried rice

bible study was a skit on *forget whoo* but the onthe with the long hair&&strength..

rec time! we went outside to play this game.. in.. in*somethingg* where one person is blind folded as someone else tells them where to go to pick something up and go back to the linee..
then there was the weird.. squat-push-each-other-over game..
it . was . hilarious
go benn!

free time ~ TUBE-INGGG! some ppl went the night before but i think i was playing cards.. and they said something about it not being slippery enoughh, but then i went the second day and the last day.. it was awesome-nesss.. just takes energy to climb up that hill.. but then.. just too fun going down.. i even enjoyed the bumps along the way.. xDD but now.. the next day.. i am so sore.. every inch of my body.. *ouchhiesss* !!! ahhh..

then worship&&message

after we took all our sleeping bags and stuff up to the main room.. and we sat around in a circle with the lights off, with 3 candles in the middle.. we went around saying what we are thankful of.. and yea.. just sharing.. =) i wantted to say something deeper but.. em.. didn't want to at that time.. i might blog bout it later.. but now.. too tired . sore . busy . rushed..

washed up..

and me.cavina.and john sat around talking.. about .. 'nothingg' or more like.. unblogable [dont even try to ask.. they will not tellll =) ] .. then we moved on to talking in a big group with jon(jt) . wessL . nathan . derek . eventually cindy . and me.vina.john.. we talked all night.. but it was interesting enoughh to bring us through the whole night.. [jt's kiddy story is so cuteeee! awww! ..srry]

then that morning.. at like 7am? we went out to see the sunrise.. before breakfast we went to the top of the hill to see barely any sunset.. so we walk along and along.. found no opening to see the sunrise.. and turned back.. morning exercise!

breakfast . eggs . bacon . food ....

i was so exhausted a this point.. i fell asleep in within 3 mins.. so sad.. and i devotions.. took me forever.. since i wasnt listening to what i was reading.. i think i fell asleep during that too..

worship&&message.. the difficulty-ness of keeping myself awake.. i kept dozing off every other 5 sec?? or even less i think..

free time.. i was planning to sleep.. but jt said something about tube-ing? and yea.. i gave in like 3 minutes after and went.. and i had ENERGY.. somehow..

lunch.. i forget what we had.. = /

we then packed talked.. wrote more warm-fuzziess.. and oh yea... the secret admirer thing.. i thought it may be cindy.. cuz she wrote a lot of notes.. but then.. i didnt know is she was writing for someone.. so i didnt say her.. instead jenn.. why i have no idea.. but yea.. then we got ready to leavee

on the buss and off back to TO.. awww.. i miss shalomm!

back at church around 8:30pm? and we waited for parents to come..

homeeee

and i did half of this when i got home.. and posted the rest.. [now] =) im tired.. and sore..
but it was just too funn... *sighh*