one thing that makes me cry… when i hit a point that i have so much confusion around me, feel like i don’t have a place that i really belong and feel safe and happy in, feel lost, alone, and disowned.. those three short words really make me cry.. especially when its from someone that i haven’t exactly heard it from in so long.. almost too long.

So this happens today.. i was in a way anxious to go to church today.. i looked so forward to it during the week.. with a little bit of discouragement along the way.. but still.. i was wanting to go to church.. so i was there. at church. not knowing what to think of feel. then the slightest sign of the arrival.. i felt like i was slowly disappearing.. and from then on, i just lost all feelings and all the confusion.. all the questions that has been floating around in my mind just emerge..

all the time, i always look forward to going to church.. its what i look forward to during the week.. but once i’m there, around half way through.. i just want to go home.. i ran away from the loneliness at home to go to church, and then i run home away from the loneliness at church.. so in a way, my life’s a circle.. going no where..

goals in life.. and my profession later on, what im going to be.. i’ve been thinking about, and asked about from parents. at the moment. goal; profession; future.. in a way scares me.. im not looking forward to future, yet i can’t wait until the upcoming weekend. so if you’re a reader… and have read past posts.. I’m not doing so ‘excellent’ in school.. stressing over everything, and trying to run away from it all.. so looking into the future and what i want to be, sorta depends on what and how im doing now.. and all the confusion and questions in between only blurs the whole ‘plan’ or ‘idea’ of my goal in profession later on..

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so my problems… are things that are on my mind.. there are so many, and some that are so hard to be put in words.. but things that i ponder, day after day.. but for now.. i will go on about how i love the snow..

Snow.. falling and after

while it snows, i like to look up into the sky or to just focus on one one snowflake.. and follow it down with my eyes.. and its like, a pure angel falling out of the heavens and covering the dirty streets and making it look all new, and beautiful.. but then the pure angel snow flakes are later on squished into the mud.. and turn all brown.. and.. un-pure. its almost like, they came down, to make everything good for that short time that its there, before it gets taken over, or ruined by the dirtiness…

when the snow has stopped falling, and no cars have driven by to make tracks.. sitting there, looking out to a white winter scene.. its all still, like a picture, but more beautiful than the most beautiful painted winter scene. almost like time has frozen, and there is no life.. so calming.. so silent. always have that temptation to run up and dance around.. fall down, and look up at the white sky. and at that moment, you just want to stay there forever..

so that’s my little.. thing on snow.. yea.. as i was writing this.. i was starring out the window.. staring at this tree that’s in my neighbors yard.. watched that tree grow.. =]