thoughts

so i lied when a few people asked if i was alright.. was it that obvious that i was thinking about something?

well so there is something bothering me. its just.. im next to invisible. im not like trying to get attention or anything, but really, im like invisible.
everywhere i go. where ever i am. home. school. church. seems like im still somewhat invisible.
i dont want to mention names but really, always looking for me when you dont want to feel lonely or have no one to talk to, i always talk to you, and i wont ditch you when someone else shows up. But you do. all the time, and not only... when i talk to you, you ignore me, and not like u dont know im there, i'm tapping ur shoulder. and if anything like that happens to you? you get into a fit or you start hitting them until they reply to you. is it... you have to be all mean to get what you want?
at home, im expected to listen to people talk, but not like they listen to me.. so thats a good thing about siblings... you have someone that isnt an adult and doesnt get anything, to listen to you..
at school. me and my friends dont get along too well anymore.. not really.. they always go DT and sleep over at my friends condo.. not like im allowed.. they go to MTV (or something along those lines) and be live audience, not like im allowed to go like that alone without a parent, i cant afford paying 70 dollars to go see a concert.. so i miss out a lot.. and they dont talk to me as much.. and they ignore me a bit.. and i disappear...
church.. there are so many peoples... hugs the moment they are within sight. groupie apparently call and get together outside church.. i apparently wasnt contacted. is it because i live far? not like i dont know how to bus. and im always the one cut off either talking or walking.. and i recall someone saying that you can only be left out if you dont participate. i really dont agree. what if they tried, but then they were cut off continuously? they were ignored.

its a good thing that i experience it i guess, i know how it feels and i know not to do it.. but still.. its everywhere, and its sorta getting harder to push back and ignore.. eventually the bottle will fill..

[hope no one really comes here and reads.. im once again all lonely and want to talk to someone.. or just talk. teddy seems to weird.. starring at me...><]