&& this is it, with no sugar, but bitter molasses

im sick of you trying to be all sweet and make up with me while just being straight up mean to my friends, im not down with that and they are your friends too, as far as i know right now.

-- i dont talk to you because i just cant say that i want to.

-- really. why do you act like nothing s wrong. everyone already knows, just the way i dont want it. so you might as well stop acting. i dont know what to believe from you anymore. look where it lead me, believing you at first.

-- how i feel doesnt seem to matter to you as you first demonstrated.

-- sure, ok, im making matters worse, im talking to my friends. like what you did when we werent suppose to share it around. and what exactly are you doing is really helping the situation?

i never thought nor said that i thought you were a mindreader. and i dont expect you to be. and i dont care if you dont know what im thinking, not like you care anyway.

and if this is it, and this is how you're going to be, im not sure if i want to be around anymore.


from making me really upset, you're starting to just make me angry, you're affecting others negatively that arent intimate involved and thats not going to happen or continue. by the way, the only people who are involved are me and you. no one else.

i never told anyone to say anything to you. so you can stop trying to blame what everyone says onto me. because i didnt do anything. so grow up. and perhaps be a single person, because i only know of one of you; no two faced stuff.

--in reply

i dont know what to say. what i dont want to do, my body did against my will, like a reflex to protect myself even when my mind says its ok, my heart just wont let it down.

whether you know it or not.. ive been hurt so much through trusting my friends. and i guess this time really went through and stabbed my unprotected bare heart.

i dont like to be rebellious with my friends, i dont like hurting my friends for my own benefit. ever. i dont like seeing my friends getting the poorer option to a problem, so i pile it all on myself and make myself get over it.

this time its like nothing matters. im quite literally l o s t. i nothing is going through my head. im not doing anything in school.. and i get really irritated and blow like i bottled up for years every time someone asks how i am, or hows life. i cant listen to slow music without tearing. i just cant believe all this will happen again. and this time with someone i thought was on the inside. that i trusted with all my heart.

i dont blame you. for what your heart feels. but its not about anyone else but me and you. i want you to know that, and remember it. ive said it before, but i dont think you remember.

and i couldnt care about your imperfections enough, no human is. you are special to me also. though my body may show little of it. i know that i still love you, i still cant do anything thats considered mean to you. i choose to nothing at all instead.

i dont ask for you to solve my problems, i never ask anyone to, neither do i let them. you didnt loose me. im still here when you need me just as it always was. its just that i dont know how i can trust you anymore. i know how harsh that sounds and i feel bad for even thinking it. but it really did a number to me.

i really dont know how this will end up to be. but i cant stop the tears falling from my eyes from all this. it takes so much from me to push this to the side and see you as how i did before, i have. that night going to staples. i pushed it all aside. whether you felt it or not. i still loved you through it all. i was scared running along that track in the dark, rain and fog. if anything unfortunate would happen to you... i held onto you with my heart. but just something i want to say, only because thats how it feels, you ended up loosing me, but i dont think you regret it. im sick of having people not caring about how i feel, hurting and apologizing knowing i'd give in. but i reassure you, you havent lost me yet. if i can still love you like the other night walking to staples.

not saying anything in particular, but some times you have to sacrifice to fix things. some things just dont work together. im not pointing at anything in particular, but i think its something you have to keep in mind. and as a question. how are you attempting to patch things?

you're reaching for my hand. im s c a r e d to give you my hand. you didnt want to hurt me, a lot of things we dont want..., but you already did.

to answer your question; what to do. im not here to tell you what to do, you know me better than this, you know i dont tell people to do things. not for my benefit.

what happened to us. we lost t r u s t.

why is it hard. its hard because of me. it hurt me more than you, and i havent gotten over/healed from it yet.

we use to be close. you use to be there without a doubt that you'd hurt me.

our friendship never had any problems, we never had anything big, we never had to deal with anything, and thats why we dont know what to do now.

why are you sorry you're human. am i not human myself?
weakness, so i have my own. im really weak behind all you see.
"i'm sorry if i'm not who you thought i was." -- i thought you were my friend. i dont know if its changed.

if i can forgive you. you know my answer, who hasnt i forgiven? and why wouldnt i forgive you sister?

im not running from you. i just cant say anything to hurt you, or make you feel bad. it'll only hurt me back. i mite not be fine. but i will be.

what i have done for you doesnt matter. i made a commitment as your friend. i expect myself to do that for you from the bottom of my heart.

--im sorry im taking so long. it came with a warning but i denied it, refusing to prepare myself.

and im sorry that this post even taken so long, might not make much sense, i havent been able to put words to how i feel. im sorry. im saying sorry now, but im going to make it into actions when i can, as words dont mean anything as it was placed as an example during all this.

you say you love me, and that im your sister, im not doubting, but neither am i seeing.

remember my number, 16, and why i chose it, it stands for love and second chance. i value love, love in friendship. and second chances, i've given. and i'll give it again, but right now, im scared to.

88, 8, being an endless number. but the numbers change themselves. what if you changed back to being 12? or i just give up love and second chances? nothing can be forever within our world. unless its with God. i've almost given up in a lot of things.. forever might just be one of them...

- - - - - - -

Lord Heavenly Father God.. i've drifted again, i need discipline from you. draw me back in, revive me.
You're the one that i trust and look to when everything else fails me, as You're the only one that is always there to catch me when i fall.
Father, im falling, and i just cant hold on to that vine, catch me.
im like a baby reaching up to you, for you to lift me up from everything. a
ive give myself up, for you to lift me up. and take control.

seeing the world again with open eyes

i've grown toward God so much these 2 months.. and im so happy about it, i feel more alive almost..
anyway.. to explain the title of this post.. "seeing the world again with open eyes" well its because of judgment.. im not exactly the one that would be considered good at making first impressions.. and i know that most people, as a natural thing to do is just see a new person and stamp them as something when you dont even know them.. and i guess i just grew to get really sick of that.. so pretty much i just sorta ripped up all the judgment stickers that i've stuck on people and got to know people, which explains why ive been hanging out with a lot of different people, or just having some time to talk to people..
and i found that the people who i thought werent such awesome people, are. it feels so good that i have more friends almost, and more people to talk to, and to me, there's nothing wrong with that.. i learned to overlook what people often dislike about them.
just over this experiment? im not sure if thats a good word to describe it.. but after getting to know new people, i just found that just because i have so many sisterly best friends, i cant say that i really really know them anymore... and i just want to catch up.. with everyone.


ok this post was pretty sad.. i cant get much of how i felt out at all.. so if you read this.. erm.. srry for wasting your dear time.. : P

so this is why

for the last situation that happened, friendship vs. relationship was challenged, and unfortunately relationship won. i was lucky enough to be put in the least unfortunate spot in the roles in the situation.. i was hurt . confused . and just stressed through the whole time the problem was on.. during the whole time, i was constantly asking God why it was happening, and especially, why me?

so it was just last night when i think my question was answered.. i was put in almost the same situation again.. and this time, my role was the one with more choices, i could be selfish but happy, or use what i learned from my last experience.. and feel a bit unsatisfied but feel that i have done something good. and thats what i choose, i chose to feel slightly unsatisfied, but feel that i did the right thing to protect my friend's feelings as best as i can..

i just pray that i am going to be able to pull it through, i know its not going to be easy.. and since im havent had the time to fully recover from the last thing.. its just going to be that much harder.. and thats where i pray to God that he'd be there to guide me through, doing what's rite.

videos

i do suggest you watch it, good and short : )

This is the Truth ;;
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pZZI_coePtc

Skit/dance;;
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=139f9c4c0036b123ee12

The Dash;;
http://www.simpletruths.com/dash/index.html