i know why i do the things i do

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa

why do i do the things i do?

[this was written by mary, but i feel the same way, and i just cant find the words to say it]


The proverb is true. Hospitality causes the lightning to strike you. Sometimes you get paid with bad for doing good.

I call your name when you were alone and you don't answer.
I smile at you and you frown back at me.
I hold out my hand to you and you don't take it.
I talk to you and you don't listen.
I try to understand you and you blame me.

Why do I go out of my way to do these things to you then?

I didn't have to call your name... I just didn't want you to be lonely.
I didn't have to smile at you... I was sad.
I didn't have to give you my hand... I would have been quicker without you.
I didn't have to talk to you... I felt sick and wanted to go home.
I didn't have to try and understand you... it was your problem, not mine.

Why do I go out of my way to do these things to you then?

Sometimes I want to give up. I don't gain anything from being nice. If anything, I lose.

I don't understand. But I'm gonna keep doing the things I do cuz that's what Jesus would do.


i also do i because i love you, and i think of you as a friend

exams

hate 'em

hermiting

hermiting like a hermit would

i dont want to, but at the same time i do.


i want to hang out with my friends; but not if they dont want me around.
through their mouths, they say that they want me there.
but when im there, it doesnt feel that way...

i feel something in the air, that somethings wrong..
involves some of the people i care most about.
but i just cant put my finger on what it is..
its ruining us. we dont talk to each other. we're like acquaintances.
feels like im sitting under a smog cloud..
pressuring. depressing. sickening.

and why does everything feel or seem fake?
--i miss real hugs
that feeling when you get, the feeling that says 'ive missed you', 'glad to see you'.
saying it just doesnt seem the same..
mbee its cause they dont feel that way.

does a smile or laugh really mean happiness?
i mean, for me, once i hit a certain point of sad,
i notice how stupid i am for being that sad. that concerned. and that lonely,
that i literally break out laughing at myself.
that isnt happiness, thats pity.
but still, leave me when im laughing..
cause still its better than frowning
both frowns and smiles are contagious, isnt it better to spread a smile than a frown?

you say you have A.D.D.
its like we all do,
but learn to control it? not everyone has.. or wants to for that matter..
but would you let it take you when you're best friend is sad and needs you to listen?
[it doesnt matter if they were your best friend or not, they still dont deserve it.]
is it appropriate then? will it hurt someone, make them feel as they werent as important.
have you ever experienced a time when you were pouring your feelings out to someone and they were laughing at something behind you?
i dont know about you, but it doesnt feel that awesome..
my dad always tells me to have self control, and i think this one; A.D.D needs to be..

i watch out for others feelings cause mine were extremely hurt before.
that feeling ill never forget. and i cant stand not doing anything about it.
and so i watch out for others, that hopefully they wont need to go through it..
they say they'd do the same..
thanks. but show me, dont just tell me you're going to. do it.

did we forget what friends/sisters are like? i mean, is it really right to rather sit with a guy then with your sister? i swear we said that we'd look out for each other, be sisters. i thought a sister is always there for you, to talk and listen to. run to. someone that you feel safe with. looks our for you. wants the best for you. brings out the good in you. there for you. --loves you.
i dont have a sister, but i thought i knew the definition. am i wrong?


theres so much happening in my life right now
and i feel lonely.
God's there for me, i know.
but its like he wants me to try it first,
or just told me "brb"

everything's piling up,
to what i see now, all the parts in my life are a little bit crazy..
and there isnt a calm safe place i can be.

i just pray that Jesus, you'd pick me up and reassure me that you're there
and that everything will be ok,
that in the end, i would be alright..
im at the point of caving in, i cant hold all this up anymore.
i need a boost.

i know that hermiting is just hiding. and i dont want to hide anymore.

my prayer,

dear heavenly father,
i just come to you with all my heart, to show or tell you in words that i really miss that time where i was just on fire for you Lord God. my candle flame was burning bright, candle flame was what i had for you --the passion, and the wax around were the distractions. and it felt like my flame, my passion for you, melted away all the wax, the distractions.
but now it feels like the wax has puddled, and that puddle of wax and distractions are dimming that flame that i have you Lord.

[[note that theres a puddle under the flame]]

Lord, im not proud of this, but ashamed of myself for being so.. A.D.D. but to me, the first step is acceptance, and be aware that thats whats happening. so thats what im doing. admitting. accepting. and asking for you Lord God to help me. to just tip that little rim so that the waxy distractions and flow away.. or bring me back and help my flame grow even stronger to melt that rim of wax holding up the puddle of distractions..

[...]

im your beautiful most holy name, amen.

thurs. jan10.o8

its a new year, and the first thing to mark the new year would be winter retreat!
i had a lot of funn, but i dunno, somethings not right, and i cant seem to point my finger at it..

whatever it is, its making me not want to be here, i've said to someone before.
i mean really, the words that come out of their mouth says that they want me there,
but the look in their eyes says just the opposite.

i feel lost, like what am i suppose to do.. im not going to tell people what to do to help me feel accepted..
like i dont ask friends to respect me, thats just what they should be able to do without having to be said.


and on the other hand.. im drifting.. and its not like i just let go, or i was set free, im being pulled by friends from school.. considerably temptations to experience?
i know that friends from my school just dont have that much of a positive influence on me compared to the negative...

oh and its exams soon, 5 exams so far, and i have a feeling i might have more..
weee! i have to swimm too.. COLD. and co-ed. awkwarddd♪

yess.. i rant a lot here, so you dont have to hear it in person.