hermiting

hermiting like a hermit would

i dont want to, but at the same time i do.


i want to hang out with my friends; but not if they dont want me around.
through their mouths, they say that they want me there.
but when im there, it doesnt feel that way...

i feel something in the air, that somethings wrong..
involves some of the people i care most about.
but i just cant put my finger on what it is..
its ruining us. we dont talk to each other. we're like acquaintances.
feels like im sitting under a smog cloud..
pressuring. depressing. sickening.

and why does everything feel or seem fake?
--i miss real hugs
that feeling when you get, the feeling that says 'ive missed you', 'glad to see you'.
saying it just doesnt seem the same..
mbee its cause they dont feel that way.

does a smile or laugh really mean happiness?
i mean, for me, once i hit a certain point of sad,
i notice how stupid i am for being that sad. that concerned. and that lonely,
that i literally break out laughing at myself.
that isnt happiness, thats pity.
but still, leave me when im laughing..
cause still its better than frowning
both frowns and smiles are contagious, isnt it better to spread a smile than a frown?

you say you have A.D.D.
its like we all do,
but learn to control it? not everyone has.. or wants to for that matter..
but would you let it take you when you're best friend is sad and needs you to listen?
[it doesnt matter if they were your best friend or not, they still dont deserve it.]
is it appropriate then? will it hurt someone, make them feel as they werent as important.
have you ever experienced a time when you were pouring your feelings out to someone and they were laughing at something behind you?
i dont know about you, but it doesnt feel that awesome..
my dad always tells me to have self control, and i think this one; A.D.D needs to be..

i watch out for others feelings cause mine were extremely hurt before.
that feeling ill never forget. and i cant stand not doing anything about it.
and so i watch out for others, that hopefully they wont need to go through it..
they say they'd do the same..
thanks. but show me, dont just tell me you're going to. do it.

did we forget what friends/sisters are like? i mean, is it really right to rather sit with a guy then with your sister? i swear we said that we'd look out for each other, be sisters. i thought a sister is always there for you, to talk and listen to. run to. someone that you feel safe with. looks our for you. wants the best for you. brings out the good in you. there for you. --loves you.
i dont have a sister, but i thought i knew the definition. am i wrong?


theres so much happening in my life right now
and i feel lonely.
God's there for me, i know.
but its like he wants me to try it first,
or just told me "brb"

everything's piling up,
to what i see now, all the parts in my life are a little bit crazy..
and there isnt a calm safe place i can be.

i just pray that Jesus, you'd pick me up and reassure me that you're there
and that everything will be ok,
that in the end, i would be alright..
im at the point of caving in, i cant hold all this up anymore.
i need a boost.

i know that hermiting is just hiding. and i dont want to hide anymore.