whoa just noticed how many drafts i write.. what comes with school --tired hands and this lazy girl would rather type up her thoughts than to write em down..
this is like a lot of posts MERGED into ONE..
why do you think that everyone else is the problem? i dont deny what i do, but i want to be able to defend myself, so that im only punished for what i did, or do. but how bout you?
why do you think that everyone else is the problem?
and if you know your problems, then why do you keep doing it? why dont you even attempt to change? not even after someone has just told you.
some times i want to go, so i wont have to witness it, and if i dont witness it, i dont have to believe that its true.
pshh.. that actually never stopped me, i just tell myself that it was a dream or a nightmare, cause you know, sometimes i cant tell if im dreaming or living it..
just i prefer to not witness it..
but then theres the option to stay around just so that i can remember the little bit that lasts..
--naive, mbee i am, but i havent come up with what else to do..
I love this. like a lost soul taking a chance and is almost sure to be hurt, but she does anyway. Out of need. out of desperation. out of love. It is a hard path she walks and she walks it alone. --beautifully emo-ly written for me from jerms : ) love you budss
im backing out cause i love you and i dont want to be a reason for hurting you. but for every step i take back, you take forward, pushing me further and further back. why am i letting you do this? why are you doing this..
i dont want to be angry, i can do the most regretful things, so i suppress it into sadness, cause that way it wont hurt anyone.. but myself. i wonder if its the right thing to do anymore. like they say, you cant satisfy everyone, so you mite as well satisfy yourself.. but i cant bring that into action without feeling guilt, guilt that i didnt even try to make others feel better, i feel selfish for even thinking to satisfy myself than others, while i can.
i dont want to talk about "whats up" makes me have to review over all those things that are troubled in my life.. its not that i want to run from them, i mean, if i ran from them all, there's really barely anything left.
i want to know what to do, which to approach first, but all this is just so overwhelming.. !!
sharing helps i guess, just i dont want to be pointed out as gossiping or talking crap behind others back when names come up. i dont know what to do anymore, i feel so helpless..
--//for now : )
Monday, June 23, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
heres to you.
so yea.. i dont think clovers work so well. no matter the number of petals there are.
is it because im not irish. racist green goblins.
so yea. for all my readers. hmm get ready for another rough ride with crystal = /
i firstly apologize for all the things i may do, and if i piss you off, or anything in general for.. not sure, may be a while...
ok, so heres to yet another unpleasant note..
its from a few thoughts from a few weeks maybe? until now..
dont accuse of the things you dont know about.
and no? i dont want to be 'the middle of attention'?
i actually dont like that much attention, i know what it can do to you..
i just dont want to be neglected.
i dont go around telling ppl that i have problems,
ppl ask. and i dont want to lie, like maybe the way you do?
i come straight out, i am pushing you away, you're kinda playing it fake with me.
am not liking it.
actions. i want you to be real. stop faking it with me. stop trying to act like you care, when you can turn your back to easily.
if you think im so much trouble, and all this that you say i am, and that you've only had to hold up with it all, btw, i dont want you to stay if its only going to cause so much ruckus.
how do you know that im BSing you? no, thats just the raw stuff that i think you should know.
you obviously dont see the things i do for you and other ppl, so dont say that i sit back and just ask for it.
stop thinking that you know me. cause im telling you that you dont.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
this is outrageous how horribly stressful everything is going..
im not sure how to put these into words, i dont want to flat out say it, not like this.
but really. this is tough, going through day by day seems to be a struggle,
planning about what im going to do in years to come seems only foolish and unnecessary,
questioning if i can even make it to the next day s a n e is a mystery.
with the people, or friends in school. academic grades. what im going into.
then theres home, all the bickering. yelling. screaming. slaming. everything. it stings my heart to see it. hear it. be apart of it. yet at the same time be told that im too young to put two cents in. but im confused. im seventeen and im apart of the family. if it affects me. im going to say something. i dont want to see us break apart...
then there are friends. feels like home. as in neglected and the one that they talk to when they want to.
what now? where am i? what do i have left? these words i hear dont mean anything.. stop saying things that you cant prove.
whos real? whats real? what am i suppose to do?
why am i so detached. from everyone. and God too?
what do i have to do? what does all this mean?
im sorry. i'll stop doing what im doing. or i'll start doing what i need to do. but i need to know what it is that i have to stop. and what it is that i have to do...
is it because im not irish. racist green goblins.
so yea. for all my readers. hmm get ready for another rough ride with crystal = /
i firstly apologize for all the things i may do, and if i piss you off, or anything in general for.. not sure, may be a while...
ok, so heres to yet another unpleasant note..
its from a few thoughts from a few weeks maybe? until now..
dont accuse of the things you dont know about.
and no? i dont want to be 'the middle of attention'?
i actually dont like that much attention, i know what it can do to you..
i just dont want to be neglected.
i dont go around telling ppl that i have problems,
ppl ask. and i dont want to lie, like maybe the way you do?
i come straight out, i am pushing you away, you're kinda playing it fake with me.
am not liking it.
actions. i want you to be real. stop faking it with me. stop trying to act like you care, when you can turn your back to easily.
if you think im so much trouble, and all this that you say i am, and that you've only had to hold up with it all, btw, i dont want you to stay if its only going to cause so much ruckus.
how do you know that im BSing you? no, thats just the raw stuff that i think you should know.
you obviously dont see the things i do for you and other ppl, so dont say that i sit back and just ask for it.
stop thinking that you know me. cause im telling you that you dont.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
this is outrageous how horribly stressful everything is going..
im not sure how to put these into words, i dont want to flat out say it, not like this.
but really. this is tough, going through day by day seems to be a struggle,
planning about what im going to do in years to come seems only foolish and unnecessary,
questioning if i can even make it to the next day s a n e is a mystery.
with the people, or friends in school. academic grades. what im going into.
then theres home, all the bickering. yelling. screaming. slaming. everything. it stings my heart to see it. hear it. be apart of it. yet at the same time be told that im too young to put two cents in. but im confused. im seventeen and im apart of the family. if it affects me. im going to say something. i dont want to see us break apart...
then there are friends. feels like home. as in neglected and the one that they talk to when they want to.
what now? where am i? what do i have left? these words i hear dont mean anything.. stop saying things that you cant prove.
whos real? whats real? what am i suppose to do?
why am i so detached. from everyone. and God too?
what do i have to do? what does all this mean?
im sorry. i'll stop doing what im doing. or i'll start doing what i need to do. but i need to know what it is that i have to stop. and what it is that i have to do...
Friday, June 13, 2008
four.leaf.clover♥
according to wikipedia..
[this is it, pic on the left is my first four.leaf.clover : )]
so im suppose to have good luck, since i found it accidentally : )
"Legend also holds that if a lady hangs a four-leaf clover on her door, the next man to come in will become her husband." i think its likely that daddy's going to be the nxt dude that walks in.. AWKWARD... : P
The four-leaflet clover is an uncommon variation of the common three-leaf clover. According to superstition, such leaves bring good luck to their finders, especially if found accidentally.[1]
Clovers can have more than four leaflets. The most leaflets ever recorded is eighteen.[2]
Many believe that these are "four leaved" clovers which is not true as these are the "leaflets" and not "leaves"; usually clovers have 3 leaflets.
According to legend, each leaflet represents something: the first is for hope, the second is for faith, the third is for love, and the fourth is for luck.[3] Legend also holds that if a lady hangs a four-leaf clover on her door, the next man to come in will become her husband.
It is debated whether the fourth leaflet is caused genetically or environmentally.[citation needed] Its rarity suggests a possible recessive gene appearing at a low frequency. Alternatively, four-leaf clovers could be caused by somatic mutation or a developmental error of environmental causes. They could also be caused by the interaction of several genes that happen to segregate in the individual plant. It is possible all four explanations could apply to individual cases.
[this is it, pic on the left is my first four.leaf.clover : )]so im suppose to have good luck, since i found it accidentally : )
"Legend also holds that if a lady hangs a four-leaf clover on her door, the next man to come in will become her husband." i think its likely that daddy's going to be the nxt dude that walks in.. AWKWARD... : P
i love my mutant : 3
♥luckyclover
Thursday, June 12, 2008
enough of this bull.
[beware: rantTEAiiish + anGARRiee post]
picked up and dropped off.
like an item from a thrift store,
picked up with a small price, when needed i come in handy, and thrown in those boxes at the back of a parking lot when im not.
i want to feel like im cared about and not just someone thats to be unacknowledged only when im needed.
if that cant be delivered, i'd rather you fully leave me out all together.
do not tell me that you're sorry and that you're going to stop and change. i believed you cause i believed and thought you were my friend. but i guess its obvious that i believed in the wrong person, and thought just wrong.
you would go back and stab my in the back once more before you walk off.
why do i always step in that same puddle time after time? "trust me. trust me, you can trust me" you say over and over. but you lie and disappoint me once too many times now. i wonder if you only say that so that you can find out what would hurt me most.
this is ridiculous how obnoxious and rude this is.
dont tell me that you feel the same, and understand when people spread rumors or use what you tell them against them and only to hurt them. cause you do it. i think i see you do it a lot more than those other people you say.
why do i always try to be nice, even in the midst of you backstabbing me? why am i defending you even then? is it not obvious enough?
i'll forgive, but i dont forget things so soon, but you keep it coming back like those unwanted. annoying pop ups on the computer. so it bottles itself. and really i think its about to blow, and i suggest you run when that happens. get out of my way when that happens. dont let me find out anything else that you do when that happens.
yet you question why i dont talk to you or if im mad at you. well im glad you can sense it.
if i grow quiet on you, or walk from you. it means that im holding back hitting you. ok? : )
[incomplete rant, but i've taken out enough to be able to concentrate in my reading..]
picked up and dropped off.
like an item from a thrift store,
picked up with a small price, when needed i come in handy, and thrown in those boxes at the back of a parking lot when im not.
i want to feel like im cared about and not just someone thats to be unacknowledged only when im needed.
if that cant be delivered, i'd rather you fully leave me out all together.
do not tell me that you're sorry and that you're going to stop and change. i believed you cause i believed and thought you were my friend. but i guess its obvious that i believed in the wrong person, and thought just wrong.
you would go back and stab my in the back once more before you walk off.
why do i always step in that same puddle time after time? "trust me. trust me, you can trust me" you say over and over. but you lie and disappoint me once too many times now. i wonder if you only say that so that you can find out what would hurt me most.
this is ridiculous how obnoxious and rude this is.
dont tell me that you feel the same, and understand when people spread rumors or use what you tell them against them and only to hurt them. cause you do it. i think i see you do it a lot more than those other people you say.
why do i always try to be nice, even in the midst of you backstabbing me? why am i defending you even then? is it not obvious enough?
i'll forgive, but i dont forget things so soon, but you keep it coming back like those unwanted. annoying pop ups on the computer. so it bottles itself. and really i think its about to blow, and i suggest you run when that happens. get out of my way when that happens. dont let me find out anything else that you do when that happens.
yet you question why i dont talk to you or if im mad at you. well im glad you can sense it.
if i grow quiet on you, or walk from you. it means that im holding back hitting you. ok? : )
[incomplete rant, but i've taken out enough to be able to concentrate in my reading..]
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
four leaf clover
friday. june 6. o8
started the day off in a rush cause i over slept, leaving me no time to grab food. find my runners. and time to discover where i put my mango foam sunscreen from last summer.
first significant event was the 5K run beach run that was postponed and moved to this day because of rain.
at 10:30am, i was dismissed to go for this 5K run that's to be accomplished in 30mins. so off i went to change into my shorts and tank, grabbed my ipod and went to meet up with my running buddy.
at the park across the school, i saw all the people who were to also run the 5K. standing around in temperatures of 32 degrees, we're breaking out a sweat before we even begin this run.
during the run, i found that not having the right shoes came to really stress me out, i could feel my shoe loose, and trying to part from my foot. and also my stomach growling from hunger and my lovely curse for being a girl kicked in too. but the beach and the scenery was just beautiful, didnt think the renovations would make such a big difference.
sticky from head to toe, i finish within the time frame that teacher said that we must finish in order to get a standard mark 40mins. with 2 mins to spare i fell over under a tree gasping for cool air, but only feeling the smoggy air that seemed to stuff my nose.
back at the school we were given a little BBQ lunch to celebrate --hotdogs. i personally dont have a love for them.. so i had one and gave the other to my friend tho she didnt run.
for the first time since i can remember, i walked through mowat halls at lunch with no one pushed or shoved pass me, guess they're not into sweaty people? : P so katelyn and i decided to take the day off, i especially since i just couldnt seem to concentrate on anything, because of the heat and the fact that i can pick paper up with my arm..
on the way to my house, walking into vlad(that also ran) and taylor we decided to take a break and chilled under the tree with them. resting and trying to get back to a regular heart rate and temperature, we ended up drawing on each other with highlighters and pens, only to find that we practically ran out of space to write on each other, we just threw grass at each other..
and then, i started to pick clovers, i love clovers, plant made of hearts : ) all of a sudden i noticed that i just found a FOUR LEAF CLOVER. first one ever in my life of scavenging around in the grass. amused, vlad went on a four leaf clover hunt also, only to be unsuccessful. jokingly teasing him about his failure of finding a four leaf clover, i pick up more clovers to analyze. just to find yet another four leaf clover! it was then when i was then named lucky(four leaf) clover. "yo. you should make this your career"
eventually we went down to the plaze to get some ice cream at beloved bits and bites, journey eventually taking me home, and walking up the front doors i spot a patch of clovers, curious if i could find another lucky clover, i couldnt resist not looking. Successfully i found 5 more! ecstatic , i ran inside to put them through plastic to preserve such rareness.
monday i went and distributed a luckyclover to each of the people who witnessed me finding my first clovers, my luckyclover buds : )
now, for these the luck to kick in and help us through our upcoming exams!
[this is my gay journal entry of my : ) day]
♥luckyclover --vlad.taylor&kate
started the day off in a rush cause i over slept, leaving me no time to grab food. find my runners. and time to discover where i put my mango foam sunscreen from last summer.
first significant event was the 5K run beach run that was postponed and moved to this day because of rain.
at 10:30am, i was dismissed to go for this 5K run that's to be accomplished in 30mins. so off i went to change into my shorts and tank, grabbed my ipod and went to meet up with my running buddy.
at the park across the school, i saw all the people who were to also run the 5K. standing around in temperatures of 32 degrees, we're breaking out a sweat before we even begin this run.
during the run, i found that not having the right shoes came to really stress me out, i could feel my shoe loose, and trying to part from my foot. and also my stomach growling from hunger and my lovely curse for being a girl kicked in too. but the beach and the scenery was just beautiful, didnt think the renovations would make such a big difference.
sticky from head to toe, i finish within the time frame that teacher said that we must finish in order to get a standard mark 40mins. with 2 mins to spare i fell over under a tree gasping for cool air, but only feeling the smoggy air that seemed to stuff my nose.
back at the school we were given a little BBQ lunch to celebrate --hotdogs. i personally dont have a love for them.. so i had one and gave the other to my friend tho she didnt run.
for the first time since i can remember, i walked through mowat halls at lunch with no one pushed or shoved pass me, guess they're not into sweaty people? : P so katelyn and i decided to take the day off, i especially since i just couldnt seem to concentrate on anything, because of the heat and the fact that i can pick paper up with my arm..
on the way to my house, walking into vlad(that also ran) and taylor we decided to take a break and chilled under the tree with them. resting and trying to get back to a regular heart rate and temperature, we ended up drawing on each other with highlighters and pens, only to find that we practically ran out of space to write on each other, we just threw grass at each other..
and then, i started to pick clovers, i love clovers, plant made of hearts : ) all of a sudden i noticed that i just found a FOUR LEAF CLOVER. first one ever in my life of scavenging around in the grass. amused, vlad went on a four leaf clover hunt also, only to be unsuccessful. jokingly teasing him about his failure of finding a four leaf clover, i pick up more clovers to analyze. just to find yet another four leaf clover! it was then when i was then named lucky(four leaf) clover. "yo. you should make this your career"
eventually we went down to the plaze to get some ice cream at beloved bits and bites, journey eventually taking me home, and walking up the front doors i spot a patch of clovers, curious if i could find another lucky clover, i couldnt resist not looking. Successfully i found 5 more! ecstatic , i ran inside to put them through plastic to preserve such rareness.
monday i went and distributed a luckyclover to each of the people who witnessed me finding my first clovers, my luckyclover buds : )
now, for these the luck to kick in and help us through our upcoming exams!
[this is my gay journal entry of my : ) day]
♥luckyclover --vlad.taylor&kate
Monday, June 09, 2008
kahn
my grade 10 science teacher, and i was dumb enough and stayed in his class for 11 chem.
wow. i always knew he was a wack job, but he's just reached a *new level* of me disliking him o_O
i just want to laugh in his face. [i feel so mean o_O]
so this is what happened today:
kahn: {teaching}
david: so how much of this is going to be on the exam?
khan: one question
david: so why am i writing all this down?!
kahn: well turnbull, are you taking bio next year?
david: yea..
kahn: well you'll need it then *smiles creepily* you can thank me then
olivia: you're teaching bio next year?! *o_O*
kahn: why do you sound so shocked? wouldnt you want me as a bio teacher?
class: [...]
kahn: dont like me as your bio teacher?
class: [...]
kahn: dont tell me you dont like me as a chem teacher now *creepy smile* you'll break my heart!
class: errr...
reasons why i dont quite like kahn:
- writing on the board with writing only an inch tall, and with a dead marker
(oh, btw, the class is approx 13 m back? and im in the back row, cause there are no other seats..)
- k, the kid beside me has BINOCULARS.
- girls, dont wear a shirt with a print on your chest. --he WILL read it and make an awkward comment
- way to help when you dont get it: "what? thats a grade2 question *laughs*"
(wasnt me, i dont ask so many questions, but others)
- tests only have 6 questions, oh --and its out of 80+?
- he doesnt change his shirt, and wears short shorts. and us students have to see this every class, when he writes on the board. lovely sight no?
well dont i sound bitter.
but i cant help it.
dont. read. my. shirt. old crab. (walks like a crab, discovered by sally)
wow. i always knew he was a wack job, but he's just reached a *new level* of me disliking him o_O
i just want to laugh in his face. [i feel so mean o_O]
so this is what happened today:
kahn: {teaching}
david: so how much of this is going to be on the exam?
khan: one question
david: so why am i writing all this down?!
kahn: well turnbull, are you taking bio next year?
david: yea..
kahn: well you'll need it then *smiles creepily* you can thank me then
olivia: you're teaching bio next year?! *o_O*
kahn: why do you sound so shocked? wouldnt you want me as a bio teacher?
class: [...]
kahn: dont like me as your bio teacher?
class: [...]
kahn: dont tell me you dont like me as a chem teacher now *creepy smile* you'll break my heart!
class: errr...
reasons why i dont quite like kahn:
- writing on the board with writing only an inch tall, and with a dead marker
(oh, btw, the class is approx 13 m back? and im in the back row, cause there are no other seats..)
- k, the kid beside me has BINOCULARS.
- girls, dont wear a shirt with a print on your chest. --he WILL read it and make an awkward comment
- way to help when you dont get it: "what? thats a grade2 question *laughs*"
(wasnt me, i dont ask so many questions, but others)
- tests only have 6 questions, oh --and its out of 80+?
- he doesnt change his shirt, and wears short shorts. and us students have to see this every class, when he writes on the board. lovely sight no?
well dont i sound bitter.
but i cant help it.
dont. read. my. shirt. old crab. (walks like a crab, discovered by sally)
Sunday, June 01, 2008
emotional am i?
so ive been described as emotional recently..
cant really deny it either..
so much is going through my life..
so many people just nosing around trying to find out everything..
or try to fix me or saying that im the problem, but do you know what its all about?
i mean.. can you get an answer to no equation?
hang off k? i mean, im sure you mean well, but you're not coming at it right, and its only lighting my anger or emotions..
so thats family...
now for those buddies of mine.. i dunno, i try my best to be a friend, or what i think would be best for a friend.. but as exceptions go, you dont always get treated the way you treat others..
so all those people who believe in karma? --pretty bs to me...
then there's ashley.. how i wish i knew what to do.. so she's pregnant, am i going to say yes to being Godparent? still not sure.. i mean, that some biggg responsibility if anything happens..
and now, all of a sudden, she's moving..
to top it off, school, you know those yummy or puke-y marks dont help, neither do the culminating.. or exams?!
then summer.. hows that going to go? do i even want to look forward to it? whats really good that i want to look forward to?
then theres next year.. last year.. and most of the friends i've hung out with are going going gone..
all thats left is God.. you hear me, what's all this mean? --whatever makes your kingdom come i guess..
short ramblings.. i need to do this chemm cul//
cant really deny it either..
so much is going through my life..
so many people just nosing around trying to find out everything..
or try to fix me or saying that im the problem, but do you know what its all about?
i mean.. can you get an answer to no equation?
hang off k? i mean, im sure you mean well, but you're not coming at it right, and its only lighting my anger or emotions..
so thats family...
now for those buddies of mine.. i dunno, i try my best to be a friend, or what i think would be best for a friend.. but as exceptions go, you dont always get treated the way you treat others..
so all those people who believe in karma? --pretty bs to me...
then there's ashley.. how i wish i knew what to do.. so she's pregnant, am i going to say yes to being Godparent? still not sure.. i mean, that some biggg responsibility if anything happens..
and now, all of a sudden, she's moving..
to top it off, school, you know those yummy or puke-y marks dont help, neither do the culminating.. or exams?!
then summer.. hows that going to go? do i even want to look forward to it? whats really good that i want to look forward to?
then theres next year.. last year.. and most of the friends i've hung out with are going going gone..
all thats left is God.. you hear me, what's all this mean? --whatever makes your kingdom come i guess..
short ramblings.. i need to do this chemm cul//
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