heres to you.

so yea.. i dont think clovers work so well. no matter the number of petals there are.
is it because im not irish. racist green goblins.

so yea. for all my readers. hmm get ready for another rough ride with crystal = /
i firstly apologize for all the things i may do, and if i piss you off, or anything in general for.. not sure, may be a while...

ok, so heres to yet another unpleasant note..
its from a few thoughts from a few weeks maybe? until now..


dont accuse of the things you dont know about.
and no? i dont want to be 'the middle of attention'?
i actually dont like that much attention, i know what it can do to you..
i just dont want to be neglected.
i dont go around telling ppl that i have problems,
ppl ask. and i dont want to lie, like maybe the way you do?
i come straight out, i am pushing you away, you're kinda playing it fake with me.
am not liking it.
actions. i want you to be real. stop faking it with me. stop trying to act like you care, when you can turn your back to easily.
if you think im so much trouble, and all this that you say i am, and that you've only had to hold up with it all, btw, i dont want you to stay if its only going to cause so much ruckus.
how do you know that im BSing you? no, thats just the raw stuff that i think you should know.
you obviously dont see the things i do for you and other ppl, so dont say that i sit back and just ask for it.

stop thinking that you know me. cause im telling you that you dont.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

this is outrageous how horribly stressful everything is going..
im not sure how to put these into words, i dont want to flat out say it, not like this.
but really. this is tough, going through day by day seems to be a struggle,
planning about what im going to do in years to come seems only foolish and unnecessary,
questioning if i can even make it to the next day s a n e is a mystery.
with the people, or friends in school. academic grades. what im going into.
then theres home, all the bickering. yelling. screaming. slaming. everything. it stings my heart to see it. hear it. be apart of it. yet at the same time be told that im too young to put two cents in. but im confused. im seventeen and im apart of the family. if it affects me. im going to say something. i dont want to see us break apart...
then there are friends. feels like home. as in neglected and the one that they talk to when they want to.
what now? where am i? what do i have left? these words i hear dont mean anything.. stop saying things that you cant prove.
whos real? whats real? what am i suppose to do?
why am i so detached. from everyone. and God too?
what do i have to do? what does all this mean?

im sorry. i'll stop doing what im doing. or i'll start doing what i need to do. but i need to know what it is that i have to stop. and what it is that i have to do...