5 thoughts a handful

«rewind
;;back to last year. last summer.

--and that's what i want it to be just the way it was thenn.

» but look at me now. //
what happened? the bottle that i was bottling popped and broke.
you've used up all the little bit of me that was left.



i cant turn to you without a high guard up.
so high that all i have is angry to show,

-cant suppress it anymore.

my body wants to run, just run as far as i can from there,

-like a reflex to avoid harm.

its like i was robbed.
over and over again.
more and more of me was taken each time.
you're standing in front of me. with a hand held forward.
i've got nothing left for you to take now.
>>and im left with no choice but to run. run. run.



i notice when you look at the empty seat beside me and sit else where, even if it was less comfortable.
i hear the things you say behind my back, the real way you feel about me.
i see how you look at me, i see how you turn around and join a conversation.
i feel the rejection.

{{im highly grateful, and not a million thankyou's would not compare. God's given me one new person to watch over me as im struggling so much, so in need for someone to be there. truly and angel sent from heaven, but in human form, still with human obstacles; and we're here for each other. helping each other through. lending ears to listen. shoulders to lean.}}

B.A.S.I.C

B.A.S.I.C
brothers and sisters in Christ

i feel so strongly about the whole idea.
i even picked it for our TC name, perhaps its because i dont have any blood siblings,
but still, the i believe that the idea, still stands firm.
perhaps i dont know how brothers and sisters are like, but i thought i had an idea, and i liked how it looked in my mind. but dont think they reflect it very much..
im likely not the only one feeling this way, but i dont think that it would make me feel better than im not alone, id rather be alone. cause id mean that there would be less things like this happening..
i sense that everyone's just trying to outdo each other in this and that, trying to be better than the next person.
but what for? we all know that we have our own strengths and weaknesses. and that we're all the same in God's eyes. we should be there to help each other. make each other feel safe, that we're all special. but we're doing just the opposite. hurting people just so that we can feel more "superior" than them. its so lame. its not right.
why am i feeling threatened for trying to be nice? really, i only have one reason for being friendly to you, and even trying to be nice, because thats whats God wants us to do; love your neighbor. loving your neighbor because you love God.
i cant believe you guys can do the things you do. like i mean nothing to you. perhaps you dont. fine. but just to tell you, i care for you. you guys mean a lot to me. but that seems to be meaning less and less every time i come within contact with you. i dont think it would hurt as much if i didnt care about you guys as much either..
looks like its all on me.

im mad at you. but i dont want to make you feel guilty, im not sure why..
i forgive you, because i like you, you're my friend, and overall, because God first forgave me.
so i go along, and accompany you to things that id personally rather not go to. and once we're there, you see someone. you and run away with her knowingly ditching me.

seriously. grow up. cause sooner or later, this will happen to you. as mean as i feel saying this; i kinda look forward to that day. so you'll know how i felt. i cant believe i took so much effort to be there for you, and just be a friend. turns out to be a waste of time, and i regret it. a lot.

and things dont change as long as i want them to.
im not significant to make things like this, happen.

first claims

looks like the friendship between up turned into just a competition,
claiming things as theirs. traits. things. colours.
these little things shouldnt cause glares, hmphs or anything for that matter.
especially because we should be or are suppose to be friends.

claiming their colours in flip flops. bags. or just the colour itself.
claiming the type of sunglasses.
claiming who had a certain shirt first.
claiming a favorite. singing. piano. animals.

just claiming whos first to do something, then everyone else is copying.
i find myself caught up in this too now, just like getting it fast, because if i didnt, someone else is going to claim it, and you'd get glares if you wore or had the same thing..

i thought about a lot of things today.. and i think that we've gone just too far. i want to just ignore what others have and get. like. do. what i want. but im hesitating. just knowing that theres going to be things once again said about me. and "copying". im tired of being scared to like something, because someone else does too.

i understand that it takes away personality and uniqueness when everyone ends up liking the same thing.. but we're all friends, we know that you were the genius that introduced us to whatever you did.

at least thats what i think.. just my thoughts thrown out there..

deciding my summer

what are friends for? what a mindless question. holding quite the hard answer..

life's being difficult right now. and life's throwing a lot of complications for me to handle, yet i only have two hands.

i think God opened my closely held eyes just now. He pointed me in the right direction.. ive had my priorities all wrong. why am i wasting so much time on people who dont care? when there's someone that i feel that i've let float away to the darkened areas of my heart that i should call out to? --my aunt. shes been diagnosed with cancer for a second time since around may 07. and not even hours ago, i was informed that cancer have not only spread to numberous parts of her body, bone and blood, but now, also to her brain also. she'd stop responding to medication and treatment. days are limited for her.

why am i spending time on people that dont care? rather than reaching out to her? with His word? i should be preparing myself to reach out to her with His love and comfort that He'd shown me, as she's looking towards me to show her God. i really do hope that shes not only watching me for a reflection of God, i dont know my scripture nearly enough, and im like a mucky mirror reflecting dimmed light..

so right now im highly considering going to hongkong to see her, most likely for the last time. ive sworn that i was never going to go back, not with my mom, not over the summer (that practically means never.. cause there'd be school otherwise) but now i think God planned for this. im not in summer school, im unemployed, and theres all this mess around people. im already spending time away, advoiding, why not do something productive while im at it? i think its right for me to go, and come back before VBS or something...

i think its all set. now its just tickets.. and going and coming back in time.

so now its more than i expected.

this is just too much. i think i say that a lot now. my limits are pushed further and further back.. to a point where its almost intolerable. all this im going through. all these judgments proved true; its tearing me apart. shredding me to pieces. not just my heart, but mind too. where am i to go physically for comfort? and dont you all say that i can talk to you. cause i know thats a lie. who's really truely honestly genuine? the facts placed in front of me are growing to be unbearable. God's right by my side, but i dont feel his presence and even less of his comfort. where am i to run?

Lord, im angry. and unfortunately it feels to be ever so slightly leaning to you. you've placed me in this environment, knowing that i'll get hurt, so why did you put me here? i can't take this, and you know this quite well, i know. this environment is unsafe to me, i dont understand. i may be blind and unable to see your reasoning or big picture. but what significance does or is this suppose to bring? ive learnt this lesson already, still and ever so clearly it stays in mind as it was a nightmare learning it, ive learn and changed my actions accordingly. so why must i go through this again? why do i have to loose everything? yes, you give and take. im not sure ive got anything or much to cling on to.

i always end up finding excuses, blaming it on accidents or bad moods to preserve the image i have for them in my head. i want to believe that i still love you guys. but now i dont know how much i can even do that..

its actually a lot easier if you did it in front of me so i can defend myself than to backstab.. but i guess its best for you cause you cause me to hurt more? id rather the physical pain too.. but really. who knew that guys were into emotionally? mentally? hurting people?
this is new to me. o_O
and im not likeing these things i learn day by day..

its all in His master plan.

i dont want to do this anymore, hours feel like days
and i find myself looking forward in leaving, looking at the time more and more often..

i dont know whats going on, but its lasting for too long,
feels like its only me feeling that way, only me out of place.

should i go and find some where else? or "stay and fight"?
what am i fighting for? if ive said it before, and nothing has changed,
perhaps they dont want to change, not like people have to respect you.
not like people have to be your friend.

the things i share from the heart, to one i thought really cared,
soon ridiculed the points ive given in public eye.
what im thinking, how i felt, was turned into a joke..
i guess thats how you always thought of it, but why did you lie?


should i stay or should i go. the ties are even.. and i cant decide.

do i loose the memories that i had with people ive known for years? or are they meant to stay behind?
i gave it up to God, but feels as if He's not doing anything with it, and time passes as His will is yet to be made, what do i do in the meantime?

whatever happens, will find its way. whats meant to be, will be. its all in His master plan.