this is just too much. i think i say that a lot now. my limits are pushed further and further back.. to a point where its almost intolerable. all this im going through. all these judgments proved true; its tearing me apart. shredding me to pieces. not just my heart, but mind too. where am i to go physically for comfort? and dont you all say that i can talk to you. cause i know thats a lie. who's really truely honestly genuine? the facts placed in front of me are growing to be unbearable. God's right by my side, but i dont feel his presence and even less of his comfort. where am i to run?
Lord, im angry. and unfortunately it feels to be ever so slightly leaning to you. you've placed me in this environment, knowing that i'll get hurt, so why did you put me here? i can't take this, and you know this quite well, i know. this environment is unsafe to me, i dont understand. i may be blind and unable to see your reasoning or big picture. but what significance does or is this suppose to bring? ive learnt this lesson already, still and ever so clearly it stays in mind as it was a nightmare learning it, ive learn and changed my actions accordingly. so why must i go through this again? why do i have to loose everything? yes, you give and take. im not sure ive got anything or much to cling on to.
i always end up finding excuses, blaming it on accidents or bad moods to preserve the image i have for them in my head. i want to believe that i still love you guys. but now i dont know how much i can even do that..
its actually a lot easier if you did it in front of me so i can defend myself than to backstab.. but i guess its best for you cause you cause me to hurt more? id rather the physical pain too.. but really. who knew that guys were into emotionally? mentally? hurting people?
this is new to me. o_O
and im not likeing these things i learn day by day..
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