acceptance.. one that i've struggled with for as long as i can remember... i may have a lot of friends, but not too many are close.. and i couldn't say that i feel accepted even by them..
i miss the time where i had a best friend with me in school... we were together all the time.. we were like inseparable.. i felt accepted.. i had someone there.. all the time.. but when somehow we got into a fight.. that i really didn't start.. and i lost her.. it really hurt.. i fully tore me apart.. i felt so lonely.. like i just lost something really precious.. i miss that feeling of safety.. someone always there.. but i'm terrified of that feeling of being ripped apart.. i still have flashbacks.. i ran away to the ravine fence.. and i sat there crying.. it was so painful.. i didn't do anything.. and i only wish i did.. so i can appologize.. so that everything will go back to normal.. and it hurt.. she decides to start being good friends with another girl.. that 'lead' a group.. one that i grew up with.. that pretty much did the same to me around a year before..
i think that's how i started getting.. scared to be alone-phobia.. whatever the word is.. but i don't know what'd i'd do if i had to got through it again.. i dont know what i did to deserve it.. i wish i did.. so i will know.. and not to do it again.. so for all the people who read this... and everyone else.. i'm sorry if i ever did anything to you.. i am.. promise.
i hate.. being there.. with 'friends' and all of a sudden.. they turn their backs.. quite literally. it hurts.. some people will never experience this.. like they just had a beautiful path given to them.. that everyone would love them without even working.. as for some.. earning it.. and sometimes.. just given a bad earn.. its almost like school. there are the kids that never listen in class. always the ones talking.. fooling around. but get the high marks.. for some, they work work work but they might not even get there.. or sometimes.. a full let down and they get a low mark.. something like that i guess..
after so many years.. acceptance has still claimed a place in my problems list.. hopefully. one day. it'll go away. for good. until that day.. i'll have to work my way around it.. and through it..
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I know how you feel. Many people fear being alone. I fear being alone, but at the same time, I always want to be alone. I always want to isolate myself from the world and be alone, even though I feared it so much. So don't worry, you're not alone on this one. But know that, even though we may not be so close, you'll always have me here, you'll always have me as a friend, close or not. And you can always count on me accepting you the way you are, cuz you're Crystal, and you like beating Willio up with a pillow. HA HA!
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