happy new years!

happy new years to all who read this.. =D

started my day rather.. unusual? hm.. i woke up in my suitcase.. i was up til 2am packing for my winter retreat trip that was in 3 days.. i was so exsausted.. that i just decided to nap were i was.. on the cover of my suitcase... and my nap.. ended up being until the next day...

then church.. it started out pretty normal.. and today's service was diff.. it was all prayer... in groups of 4.. my group, mee.mary.agnes.michelle.

after service we just sat in the inner court and talked.. mainly because i didn't want to walk around.. it was cold.. = / then my tummy started to feel weird.. ><" then we played cards.. and discussed what we're going to do during retreat.. and what we're going to wear for the formal dinner.. and what we're going to do for new years..

homee

went on msn as i worked on my unicef project.. i think this is how my new years is going to be wasted.. doing school work.. POOH-IEEE!! and if i dont do it now.. i wont have time.. im busy the rest of the holiday.. so britt asks me to go over to her place for the count down.. i think she might be a bit disappointed at me now.. its her millionth time asking if i can go out and hang with her and ashes and ppl over the holidays.. and not once did i get a chance to.. ahh.. guilty-ness.. =( as least i got her a pressie.. =)


this past year.. has been memorable and a very busy one... so much happened.. things that i've experienced - more bad than good, had changed the way i think and changed the order or things i care about most.

the first thing that comes to mind.. would be.. my trip to hong kong.. this past summer was my first time in 8 years.. so i was excited.. i remembered previous years that i went.. it was so funn.. my cousins were a blast.. and we were like best friends.. mainly.. all the memories got me all excited.. but when i was there.. i can't say it felt the same i did before.. i was homesick plenty.. my cousins couldnt care less about me. and i was pretty much alone the whole time.. as my mom was with my aunt.. i was either alone, or babysitting my cousin that only complains.. i learned to appreciate everything i had back home.. even the littlest things.. and it changed me.. to always look to see if others are left out in anything..

then vancouver, that was just pure funn.. i was slightly missing home and friends.. but i was happy... there was no anger.. it was pure smiles..

then earlier in the year.. TC2oo6 - well.. that is always a memory.. =)

and softball outings.. its been the first in the longest time going to something 'sporty' other than with school..

there's more.. but i dont feel like posting.. =]


welcoming 2oo7 . hope this will be a great year for everyone! =DD

3 day buffalo trip

Dec 25, o6

Woke up at 9:25am, brushed up and I just sat there staring at my suitcase to see if I forgot anything. I then called mary to see if she can take care of Sheldon - my froggie [named by Janice] amuzingly she was out.. o_O but she got home pretty fast.. so then we dropped off froggie at mary’s at 10:22am.

Then we headed to ‘ahh king’ or perfect restaurant, arrived at 10:30am, on time =) to meet everyone; Lam fam (uncle jimmy, auntie kim, shelby&bethany, Lai fam (uncle senny, auntie sally, angel&Kelvin), Poon fam (uncle Stanley, auntie mona&jane), my fam and Jordan. I personally didn’t know that Jordan was coming with us.. = /

Then we began the long car ride to the niagara.. We got out to take

pictures and then we went pass the bridge.. and waited on rainbow st. (?) for everyone to get through.. [lai’s car took the longesttt xD]

then we got to holiday inn, and checked in. room 615.. as lam is in 620, poon’s – i dunno..., lai+jordan’s 612 .

dinner at 5:30pm, in the hotel restaurant -- denny's.. since it was christmas.. they closed early, 6pm... there were only 3 people working.. and we booked a seat ahead of time.. so we sat in the front to be seated.. and these [not to be racist] black people came in wanting to eat also.. but the restaurant said that it was past 6.. and she got all made yelling and cursing as she slowly made her way out.. saying that they would serve [us], chinese . japs . koreans and such.. and not them.. yes.. called us japs.. and we had a big of a scramble cause of that.. anyway... dinner was good.. other than the whole.. commotion?

after we swam.. and had a junk food meeting.. where we sit and eat.. junk food in front of the tv.. it was funn.. =)

Dec 26, o6

started the morning off even earlier than school.. x( suckks… so we got breakfast in our room.. i liked the pancakes.. xD

not too much later we went out again.. shopping… there at the mall at 9 in the morning.. don’t think i’ve done that before.. but i loved that mall.. for get the name of it.. but it was awesome.. i got so much stuffs.. and i was so tired by 2pm.. we ate lunch in the food court..

went to target to do some shopping.. but me personally.. I didn’t like target so much.. =/ its more like walmart.. but target…

then for dinner we went to old country buffet.. it was good.. but i didn’t like the mac&cheese as much as everyone else.. *shrugs*

went back to the hotel… and i didn’t swim again.. as some people did.. then we met in a room watching tv, talking.. playing cards and eating..

-- sleep..

Dec 27, o6

started the morning with packing.. finished pretty soon and fell asleep again… xPP but i finished packing.. so it was all ok.. =) then we got breakfast in our room again.. and once again.. i liked the pancakes.. =D

out to boulevard mall… early in the morning.. 9:45am? the mall just opened, but the stores weren’t.. so we stood in front of the stores as they set up.. felt like we were stalking them or something.. *sigh* love those stores.. but so expensiveee… D= but still.. i got a shirt on sale… =))

we went to target again.. why? dunno.. but i went to best buy.. and drooled over the nanos.. i want one so bad.. pooh-iee.. so yea.. after i was done drooling over the nanos i went to the laptops and went online.. didn’t do much.. nothing actrully..

for lunch we went to another old country buffet.. sorta getting tired of that place..

then we went to old navy.. and i bought pants..

drove back to TO.. and went to congee king..

home..

[can you tell that i got sorta bored telling all the boring details at the end? *noddd*]

one more day til christmas

started my day early again.. got up at 8 i think? cuz we had to pick janice&friends up.. all at one location.. so it was faster.. then churchhh.. wow.. i was so tired.. and hungry.. sat in the library with ankie as she finished up her cards.. and i sat there.. more like took over the couch.. up til around 3 making the reindeer.. and finished writing the paper things in bed..

i had one of ankie's oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.. =) it was pretty good.. but i dunno.. didn't really feel like eating it at the time.. but i did anyway.. =)

then service.. the group of us sat in the front on the floor like we did last year.. but last year there were no room at all for us.. this year.. we just sat there.. wesL . jashen . nathanS . derekH . and janice got bapisted today.. =) ha.. and we were taking pictures of people's feet.. xDD

then the baby dedication.. and of course the message. i mite of dozed off for a minute or two.. i dont like the translations.. and i was so tired.. but i didn't doze for too long.. but it was a good message!

then there was baoww outside for us to eats.. but i didnt.. cause im a bit tired of it.. and ha! edward.. *shiney faceee* as wesW is just *shineyy* and wow.. forgot cavina's name! aww... claudia? Cassity? wow.. good try?

then we went to the sanctuary for the danielfellow picture.. after.. belly button poking? o_O yes.. yess..

then i go homes.. and now.. im bored.. yay!~

hm.. seriously? im wondering what im going to do for christmas.. supposedly going to buffalo.. but then.. my parents are like.. ahhh and yea.. dunno if we are.. if not.. anyone else have nuthing to do? =D

Lumas Reunion

wow what a dayyy... started at a early 7:30am.. on a holiday saturday.. how very rare.. and the reason? to buy candy canes.. happens that four.. FOUR stores where sold out of themm.. finally.. as my dad was about to blow for driving me around.. i found a store that had some.. but i made it quick so he doesn't have to stay for too long.. and so i was at the cashiers.. paying.. then some guy booked it out of the store.. i had no idea why.. and when i was walking out of the store.. i noticed that i didn't have my wallet.. i suddenly know why they guy booked it.. >< then i was like.. nawww.. i problably dropped it somewhere in the store.. so i go around looking for it.. not surprisingly.. not to be found.. so i left my name and number to the manager for them to call if they found it..

so all D= in the car.. going.. going.. i forget.. my mom calls me.. and tells me to go to 42 division to pick up my wallet.. and where was i suppose to know where 42 division is??? so i decided to bother mom to pick it up with me later.. since i probably caused a few white hairs for my pop's already.. but im not too surprised that they turned it in.. i had around 5 bucks in change.. and a whole lot of random cards that wont be useful to anyone.. yay! =DD im guessing that the person that it would have a lot of $$$ in it cause the wallet was an expensive wallet.. [got from my auntiee in hk.. =) ]

so i went to my dad's office to make the little candy cane reindeer.. only made one box.. and less than an hour later.. im at church.. i was so tired then..

only moments later cavina showed up.. so me.vina.and james sat on the couch.. and .. talked about the number 12.. yes.. the number 12..

we eventually made our way.. to the den [ ithink] and we played yank-ies swap.. fun.. and thx ankiee for filling in the pressie part.. [ if i only knew we were suppose to bring pressies.. ] and the popular gifts.. wes.w's pooh bear, toberone, wallet+$5 and i think those were the most popular.. and booo.. number 16 isn't so lucky.. i wanted poohs.. then i would have eeyore, lumpy AND poohs.. but i have a mini.. mini pooh.. so i guess its all good.. =) instead i got nancy's chOcOlaTe fondue thing.. *yumm*

after we ordered pizzaaahh.. and the smartie on the other end got a SmAll mixed up with a LarGe.. and jon.t was >= l --awww.. its ok! and the cakess.. good stuff good stuff..

then service.. ug.. it putt me all = l and for some very odd reason.. once im = l its a bit hard to get myself out of it.. but none the less, it was good.. candles.. im scared of lighters.. and such.. not so much of like.. camp fires tho.. probably cause i grew up seeing it a lot.. but lighters.. burnt me beforeee.. = / anyway.. while helping with the chairs my dad.. supposedly at something came to pick me up to go to east general [?? one at coxwell] to see auntiee louise, caught in a car accident.. with a truck.. o_O but she's ok.. she's ok.. so is her daughter.. a-okayy..

so waiting for the doc took a long time.. and i was at the hospital.. sitting there like a lump on a tree for .. 9:30 - 12.. 2 and a half hours.. and i hate the smell of hospitals.. ickk.. and i passed my old house.. =) haven't been there for a bit.. pharmacy and danforth.. so far from where i live now.. ><"

and i got home.. not too long ago.. and right after this post.. i have to make candy cane reindeers for my dears at church tomorrow.. =)

todayyy...

daniel fellowship.. with a potluck and pressie exchange thingy.. =) so i made my little sausage and pineapple thingies.. i needed pineapple.. so i was going to go to nofrilllssss to pick up a can.. and yeppiee.. the car battery and kaa-putttt.. =( so i booked it to the bus stop in the rain.. i didnt have timeee, i would be late even then.. and i was still in my comfy pjs.. xDD i feel asleep and whacked myself on the pole.. yay! but at least i didnt miss my stop.. =) so i went to nofrillies and got pineapple.. and slowly made my way to church.. so tired.. and i made it asapp.. i made it in time.. =DDD

food.. yumms.. i like gummy bears.. =) and then there was a very green kiwi drink thing.. o_O oh yea.. some thing made all the girls feel =( in the tummy.. not for me thoo.. =))) but then i was hyper enough to go jumping around trying to touch the tinsel across the ceiling that made my tummy feel =( but i was ehh-oh-kayy..

then we had the yank-iesss umm.. yankiesss_____ (???) it was so funn.. lucky number 22 got me lumpy!! =DDD awww.. so happs..

then what happened.. ><" rightt. we sat on the couch and watched the guys whip my hackysack around.. and it busted a hole! <=O and the little rocks fell out.. and now.. 1/3 of the sacky is emptyy.. RIP rainbow hackyy
[shuckss.. i just found it again too.. i lost it.. to ralph!! *booo* im kidding..]

what a day.. now im exausted.. sorta.. just had a few strawberry gummies.. xDD

turn the other cheek

i am so sick.. so sick of being blamed for things i haven’t done.. things that i haven’t done has taken my privileges away. taking what she promised me away.. taking what i’ve earned away. i don’t see how im suppose to let it go.. and it doesn’t just happen once, but over and over again..

i have done what the Lord says.. at least this one that i happen to have on my mind quite often… if someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other cheek. or along those lines.. ive been slapped across the face.. for no reason. i looked her in the eye and said… here this side too. i don’t know if i’ve accomplished anything.. but all I’ve gotten is disappointment.. why do i always have to be blamed for things that i didn’t do? and why wont i let myself stand up for myself.. [btw, that’s why i have a big reaction when I get accused..]

in this house.. its like everyone is on their own.. im alone on the computer, dad on his upstairs, and when my mother in the basement... i dont see a family.. its more like individuals trapped in one house..

questions i ask:

why do what happens to me happen to me?

what’s the reason behind all this?

what can I do to change this?

can I change this?

what is this suppose to mean?

why is all this taking me away from you?

-- there are so many more questions running in my mind. but this is all I feel like doing..

Lord God...you seem to be invisible right now.. I feel alone. I don’t feel your presence... please, show yourself to me and guide me along…

Lord. Give me a sign.

Christmas wish

[i write this with my earbuds in my ears. volume up high. i still here the arguments… that’s happening UPSTAIRS…]

my parents.. i don’t think i remember the last time they had a long conversation.. without ending with argument.. remember so many times.. my mom walks out the door and drives away as i run after the car in my socks a few streets.. or until i can’t keep up.. then she comes home.. the next day.. then my dad.. at 3 in the morning wakes me up for a 2 hour lecture and i pinch myself just to keep myself awake.. it hurts me so much.. I have a picture of the 3 of us.. me. mom. dad. in front of a Christmas tree.. smiling.. truly.. I think i was 7 then.. i remember every part of that day.. and i haven’t seen that happen again.. since… i know this will stay with me for my life.. and i will continue having nightmares of this.. repeating itself over and over again.. [readers: know what I go through, its where im sensitive along with other things in previous posts... don’t use my weakness to make me cry . its cruel]

argument subjects: if its not because one thing.. its another.. its amazing how they argue over just about everything.. over the house[renovating] .. dinner being 5 minutes late.. putting the curtains up.. ebay.. internet.. bills.. the yard.. the grass is too long.. and during the Christmas time.. [argues for dad to wrapp the odd shaped presents. cuz he can wrap] or MY room is messy [mom goes on that my dad influences me…leaving a stack of papers on my desk..] .. really.. they blame each other for anything.. and everything..

i try to stop it.. and i always get in bigger trouble.. its none of your business.. am i talking to you?? , you’re the youngest in this house – you don’t get to talk.. or just shuttt upp..

yay.. how loved I feel.. oh.. and they keep yelling in my face.. telling me - or commanding me to agree with them..

my mom’s phrase that she repeats to me every time they’re arguing..

“remember daughter, never marry a man like your father.”x2 (she likes to repeat)

and my dad just goes on about how I shouldn’t be like my mother.. pretty much the same thing over and over..

i know what i want most this Christmas; happiness, smiles and love in the family...

thoughts

im not really going to use names or in complete detail.. but.. what u dont do can hurt just as much as doing something..

i normally like to ignore as much as i can.. what ppl do or not do.. but its sorta hard when you're always there.. and you do it to me all the time.. and its really annoying how you do that to me alone.. but all.. opposite from what you do to me, to others.. and when you dont stop.. or get over it.. what ever it is..

one thing is that i dont think i've done anything to her.. i was there when she needed me.. and.. she ditches me when someone else comes along.. she acts like your best friend one moment.. and your worst enemy the next..

i dont like a broken routine.. you always said hi to me when you saw me.. then all of a sudden.. u dont.. it makes me wonder what i did.. and i have no clue.. i didn't do anything.. as far as i know...

yepp.. short short.. but i feel like blogging it.. its on my mind..

first christmas thing this year...

Canto Christmas .. dinner?

today started off.. alright.. i got to sleep in! =))) man.. havent done that in so long... so i caught up with my sleep.. then.. i went and did a bit of homework.. and then... i think i was already getting ready to go!! supposedly mom was going to drive me.. but then dad got home.. so he drove me.. and i was there.. half an hour late.. [suppose to get there at 4] and my dad slept in the car -_-
supposedly i was just going to watch.. but i ended up on stage.. being a 'wife'? hmm.. o_O it was very awkward.. the game was funny tho.. =) find ur wife.. xDD pastor raymond.. smartie.. im not ur wifee.. nope.. nope.. nopee... i think i was turning bringt pink/red ... then the fat monkey.. grosssss.. and i feel so bad for alfred.. he had a wasabi filled sushi.. ><
*sighhh* all that preparation has paid off.. other than the end.. where we messed up.. other wise.. its all good.. =)

better now

-- me better now.. =))

secret santa.. what am i suppose to gettt.. ><" stressfull...

canto christmas thing is 2nite! yay... =)

not very enthusiastic am i.. its saturday.. 10:46am.. why am i up? no idea..

going to napp. =)

loosingg itt baddd

i knew this can't go on for long... i am at this very momentt.. i am about to explode in tears.. never mind.. i already am.. i cannot take my mom.. and the problems that fill my mind.. that only increases by every second . moment . thought . NEVERMIND. the more i think.. the more i am about to scream.. and and.. i dunno. i dont.. i have no idea what i'm suppose to do..
but i am so close in fully walking out the door and just.. running awayy.. i hate this place.. its almost 90% of the reason.. or the place where i feel the most.. unsafe?
love how my mom loves to pick at my sensitive subjects.. sensitive now.. cuz that's where all my problems lay.. yet she loves to.. and not positively.. i dont know how i'm suppose to .. to.. take in what she's saying and not respond to it.. she makes it up too.. and its only normal to reply and say that isn't true.. but when i do.. she thinks i'm --- lost of thought.. i just blew it for a sec.. yea.. so she say that i skip.. i dont skip.. and then she goes on.. and on.. for hours at end... its sorta hard to just let her talk.. cuz it isn't talking.. its yelling.. i dunno.. i can't let it pass.. cuz i'll come back.. since she loves repeating.. i listen.. and i explode.

yea.. cant blog anymore.. or cuz i can't type as i scream..

i'm going to loose it.. loose it bad.

[lost thought]
[lost thought]

...dec 12.o6

today was 'MoShow' -- mowat's talent show.. wow.. this year.. was a disappointment.. not a lot of good stuff.. and i got a head ache from one of the bands.. xS and i was smart enough to spend the only 3 dollars i had on me on the ticket... and starve through the day.. >__>
tummy growls
LOUD tummy growls aren't cool.
they aren't
but i had them..
YAY.

8 stressful days of school left.. its only 8 days.. but so much needs to be done in those 8 days.. so many projects... assignments.. tests.. 'so close yet so far' i cannot waitt.. and i want it to go by faster.. hard when i'm staying up almost every night.. every night. xs

and yesterday? or whenever.. i had a fruitloop. A fruitloop.. pink one. and the hall monitor lectured me.. (!!!) seriously... DO NOT EAT IN THIS HALL! its A fruitloop.. yet he doesn't say a thing to the people who are fully sitting down and eating.. o_O second time.. last time it was a cheerio. i like circular foods.. =)) xDD but yes.. the hall monitor has a problem with me.. he now stalks me around the school to see if i eat in any other hall..
i must b cursed or something.. xs

and to jenn.. LA.. just emailed me. o_O yes.. after the 'disturb.disturb. disturb' asked if i was on the swim team. someone saveeee meee..

i was going to write another paragraph.. but i'm being kicked off.. byess

random-nesss

after the storm,
the rainbow is high,
bright in colours.
birds flying high,
free...
and now,
i'm finally flying with them...

i have no idea why i wrote that.. sorta how i feel? sorta.. but its .. I HAVE NO IDEA.. but i just felt like blogging it.. YES i am weird..

imu katy!

awww.. katy is going to hk for 3 weeks.. this friday to january 6th... my dear neighbor.. how much i'll miss having her around..
hugs for katy!
and aww.. she was fully not wanting to go home yet today.. i'd make my dad stay.. but knowing him.. he'd get a migraine.. and i dont want to be held responsible for his grumpy-ness..

few thoughts on my mind...

acceptance.. one that i've struggled with for as long as i can remember... i may have a lot of friends, but not too many are close.. and i couldn't say that i feel accepted even by them..

i miss the time where i had a best friend with me in school... we were together all the time.. we were like inseparable.. i felt accepted.. i had someone there.. all the time.. but when somehow we got into a fight.. that i really didn't start.. and i lost her.. it really hurt.. i fully tore me apart.. i felt so lonely.. like i just lost something really precious.. i miss that feeling of safety.. someone always there.. but i'm terrified of that feeling of being ripped apart.. i still have flashbacks.. i ran away to the ravine fence.. and i sat there crying.. it was so painful.. i didn't do anything.. and i only wish i did.. so i can appologize.. so that everything will go back to normal.. and it hurt.. she decides to start being good friends with another girl.. that 'lead' a group.. one that i grew up with.. that pretty much did the same to me around a year before..

i think that's how i started getting.. scared to be alone-phobia.. whatever the word is.. but i don't know what'd i'd do if i had to got through it again.. i dont know what i did to deserve it.. i wish i did.. so i will know.. and not to do it again.. so for all the people who read this... and everyone else.. i'm sorry if i ever did anything to you.. i am.. promise.

i hate.. being there.. with 'friends' and all of a sudden.. they turn their backs.. quite literally. it hurts.. some people will never experience this.. like they just had a beautiful path given to them.. that everyone would love them without even working.. as for some.. earning it.. and sometimes.. just given a bad earn.. its almost like school. there are the kids that never listen in class. always the ones talking.. fooling around. but get the high marks.. for some, they work work work but they might not even get there.. or sometimes.. a full let down and they get a low mark.. something like that i guess..

after so many years.. acceptance has still claimed a place in my problems list.. hopefully. one day. it'll go away. for good. until that day.. i'll have to work my way around it.. and through it..

responsibility

goodness.. the things that i always end up doing.. i always end up doing things that i dont have to.. i always end up doing things for people.. taking up other's responsiblities.. right now.. i think i just took on 4 (?) things.. and really.. its getting on my nerves.. i can barely handle all the responsiblities that i have on my own.. and a thing about me.. if i was doing something for someone.. i would put in my hardest.. that also relates to time and energy.. which takes away from my homework time/energy..
history.. i dont like my history teacher.. hardest marker [backed up by many] she gives the shortest time to accomplish the assignments . hardest marker . picky . takes a ton of marks off for the littlest things . and she likes to give extra assignments that no other class has... this is driving me crazy..
Civics.. here comes the pressure.. last assignment.. and its worth 10% of our mark.. yikess..
so much more.. but.. dont feel like going on and on about school.. if its not on my mind enoughh.. ><"
family.. i guess its ok.. that's only because we've been barely speaking to eachother.. -_- green iggs and hammm.. this sucks.. so lonely...

but i'm still happy.. and i'm making it last.. cannot wait til christmas.. 20 days!!!

status: =DDD

well.. its been a while since i've been =DDD but im so glad to be.. off the top today.. .. no reason really.. but i miss my ET's too much.. <> to ALL.. =) anyway.. so just today proved a bit of what i think.. im weird..

i think that its not always a good thing to always tell someone to "smile" when they're sad.. its ok to sometimes.. but for me.. its like.. once ur sad.. why not just let it all out so u'll be over it.. but if you were like me.. easily forced to smile.. its not always so great. cuz its almost like making you put on a fake smile and fake being happy.. and for me it makes it all go straight to bottle-ing.. but sometimes.. its like.. its impossible to even grin.. so it can help.. to take u out of the hole if ur in too deep.

i dont think i made a lot of sense.. anyways.. byessss EvErYoNe! <333

default answer: finee..

i'm weird.. beyond normal-ness... i seriously have no idea how i feel.. this month? i've been wondering around school.. home.. wherever i am.. feeling.. absolutely nothing.. so yes.. if you asked me how i was doing.. i used default answer : finee.. or good..
its like i decide to not feel bad.. yet i can't feel good... cuz i have barely any reason to be.. so i dont show emotion.. and my friends at school thinks that im a walking zombie.. = T
i can't wait until this is over once again.. its weird. i can never blog my "feelings"?? like i always somehow change it around.. so that its just pure rants.. i dont get myself.. i have talk.. i can poem-ize it sometimes.. but i can't blog my feelings.. i end up saying it differently.. another problem with me... hmm... mm.. discovering more and more about myself.. not always so positive thos.. ickks..

bettahh..

i think my moods are getting happierr!
goodness me.. how happy i am.. funny how actrully i have no idea why im happy.. i shouldn't be because its sorta worst than before.. xS situation wise..what im guessing.. my head just isnt letting me b all ='(( i hate myself being all gloomy anyway.. have a feeling that its going to bottle up... cuz i cant express how i feel today.. that how it usually goes... = T
-- this blog makes no sense.. srry for wasting ur time! pshh.. what am i talking about.. no one reads it! xD other than dear jenns tho.. love yous! <333

Just P.U.S.H!

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man He had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders ser squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with al of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: “you have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t moved.” Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, “Why kill yourself over this?” “Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough.” That’s what he planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. “Lord,” he said, “ I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?” The Lord responded compassionately. “My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that the task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with all your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is it really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your b=hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your wisdom. This you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock.”

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves mountains.

When everything seems to go wrong ….. just P.U.S.H!
When the job gets you down ….. just P.U.S.H!
When people don’t react the way you think they should ….. just P.U.S.H!
When people just don’t understand you ….. just P.U.S.H!

P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens

wonder ponderr

i always wondered this i read it often and i read it often, that parents are role models and they have experienced what you’re going through, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with me though.
so for example, i feel that sometimes its only normal if i had a chance to relax, spend time out with so friends, instead of always being in a book, she goes on about how she only wishes to do so and that she never got the chance, i understand that perhaps she never got the chance for education without being pulled out to work, but she’s a different person than me, i can’t sit there for days with a pencil in my hand, writing and writing.. i was never really the one that was quiet and sat there a lot, but the one constantly running around, did she not see it then that i wasn’t going to be the still one?
eating, even how to eat a certain food.. no, that wont be good with ketchup, have it with this sauce gravy.. its almost like im being controlled like a doll, and she doesn’t say it as an opinion or suggestion, but as a command, she’ll start yelling if i continue using ketchup..
there are so many things that we can never agree upon, not only do we not agree, but we argue, and yell, and it hurts that i can barely ever have a decent long conversation with them before we break into an argument, we never solve it, so we’ll walk right back into it some other time.
im really sick of the routine, i talk to my mom about it, she doesn’t agree, she goes on about what i feel is wrong, and that what she is telling is right. it makes me feel like I’m always wrong, and im suppose to think/agree with everything that she says. i don’t get the support, I don’t get the answers, i don’t get the encouragement, so i go out of the home to look for this, like friends.. but it’s a responsibility almost for someone else to take up.. it feels wrong to me..

hopefully blogging this will get me to stop thinking it over and over again in my head..

[im so weird.. I either don’t blog or blog too often… o_O]

d'oh...

didnt go to cellgroup last night.. missed the very first cell group. >= ( d'ohhh.. srry i left u jenns.. so why.. i was ready to go.. and then mom all of a sudden decided to have a fit.. and of course she decides to take it out on me.. funn. so she goes on.. and on.. about stuffs about me.. though half to all of it doesnt make sense or relate to me... and she decided that im not allowed.. >__>
so after i just sat in my room.. eventually falling asleep.. and woke up next day.. weird.. i felt like im suppose to be at school... like every few minutes i'll look at the time and go.. AHHhh! im late for schooollllll!! ---- no wait.. its WeEkEnD! >__< its just like.. cuz i missed df... where i get away from the house.. it feels like it isn't even weekend.. weirdo me.. = T
now.. just hopeing that i'll be able to go to tonights canto christman meeting + missions night.. i need to get out of this house.. n-o-w.. but atm.. im content.. =)

` burning tears

the tears in these eyes
burn like acid on one's skin.
it holds in
wont fall..
wont drop til it fills my eye
and every drop that falls
holds pain and confusion
i scream to make the buzz in my ears go away
only for it to grow louder
can't take it anymore, go away!
cant take it anymore, go away i scream
the buzz softens..
the heart beats slows down
and the last of my tears
bring hope and faith

-crystal

makes up for it all

... how much i hate the puffy eyes.. garbage beside me full of tissues soaked in tears, sleeves soaked in tears.. and how i can't breathe calmly.. think normally..
have done a year's worth of crying all in 2 weeks.. i dont even use the tissue boxes anymore.. i use the roll of tissue.. lasts so much longer..
so yea.. today expecially has made up for all the better days i've had this week.. i was so happy thinking that i've gotten though finally.. when i just figured i'm not nearly there yet.
school. parents. friends. once again... school -- for no reason whatsoever... my teacher hates me. i promise that i didn't do anything.. i was so sure i decided to ask ppl.. do you think i did something to make Kahn (science teacher) hate me??? no.. no.. no.
parents.. the constant arguement.. that keeps me from wanting to stay in this house... the more i get yelled at.. the more i cry.. the more i cry.. the more i hate this house that im in.. and the more i want to leave.. haven’t had a single day.. with no arguments for a long . long time.. still waiting for that day..

children's worship

Childrens' Worship // team 3 // first week
WhOa! children’s worship – tough crowd.. and doesn’t really help that im almost the only one singing.. >_> (out of the three also on stage) man.. anyone wanna make it less awkward? this week, we're going to try vbs songs.. so we have music.. hope that workss.. *fingers crossed*

this week is pretty weird.. quite quite.. i have no idea whether im happy or not.. its like my quiet week.. i haven’t said much.. unless its necessary.. like im mute.. not exactly sad n not exactly happy.. can’t wait til i go off the walls happy..

anyway.. i go off to do some hw.. and find a smile.. though its sorta hard through hw eh? hmm..

P.S.

hmm...i think i left out a point.. which will make previous posts a little bit.. awkward or, me over doing it.. which i may when i'm upset... but a lot of what i can do, and whatever, has been restricted because of school.. still not so clear.. my parents, and their views on school determines what i can do.. and i couldn't say i'm going great -- this still nay be unclear.. but you have an idea..
and today was a pretty good day =DDD though i made it late to period 3 -___- (had to go home for lunch) but that's nothing after last week..
so.. me = =DD

Footprints in the Sand

One night a man had a dream. He dreamedhe was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path ofhis life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the verylowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

"The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you.During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

rant...

*sigh* at the moment.. i only wish i can cry.. its like.. stress + tiredness + shock + frustration + disappointment + anger + confusion + sadness + hopelessness + worry-- all rolled into one big fat emotion.. i can’t cry. all i can do it sit there. crawl up into a ball. and mope. it feels so bad.. helpless even.. ><
ya ya.. i was complaining that i cry. now i can only wish i can. normally.. once i’m happy. it takes quite a lot to make me frown.. but not today.. the second i got my mark. my grin. smile? was an instant frown. millimeters to tears. but tears wouldn’t fall. i have this feeling in my heart.. so uncomfortable..[nxt thing u know.. i have a heart prob -__-]
i know that everything happens for a reason.. but this is like.. so difficult.. i feel alone. where’s god’s support when I have no one else around me? it really doesn’t feel that he was present… but i still have faith that he’ll make it somehow manageable. that my parents understand and give me a chance.. and for me to catch up.. and for everything to calm down and for me to be able to rest..
as if that there’s something wrong.. all the time.. one problem right after another.. or.. altogether.. so hard to have a good time without my mind wondering back to my worries.
makes me want to scream – yet i can’t.

can’t wait til I can get over this.. and blog a nice happy blog… *fingers crossed * wishing * waiting * hopping* praying*

thankss

well.. what can i say.. to all the people who asked me whats wrong these 2 weeks.. well. i don't exactly feeling like telling the world.. not that i dont trust you or whatever.. but more like.. its how i am.. i dont like troubling people.. i like people happy. why spoil they're day and have them listen to me.. and like.. i dont feel that i can't handle whatever it is on my own.. so im a bit stubborn.. i try to handle it myself whether i know i can or not.. until it has gone too far and need help.. but much appreciated that you ask.. shows that you care, its encouraging to me.. though you dont know what the situation is..
normally.. im always happy and -- not crying.. -_- but these two weeks were different for some reason.. i couldn't hold it in.. i just broke out.. which makes me feel.. so .. weak? hm..

** thx for caring . asking . staying with me . and so on..

i'm not going to name everyone that was there that was there that lent a shoulder.. but i'll name.. .. 4 that first comes to my mind..

mary
jenn
wes
agnes

--but thx to every1 else too.. i really really really(!!!) apreciate it..

lots and lots of love to all.. thxxx <3

problem me

is it normal to always get distracted by.. everything? these days, i've been distracted mostly my thoughts. everything, im thinking it over and over, going deeper and deeper, i think im over examining everthing..[and thats all work time..]

its like everything is somehow not going smooth.

definitly not my marks

family

little bit in friends

i'm always thinking that im doing something wrong. but am i? i dont know anymore. its almost like im always wrong, so wrong that it feels wrong to be right. its getting so hard to stay cheerful. broke down a bit once on sunday. doesn't feel like it helped tho. its really bothering me.. yet its hard to say what it is thats bothering me.. which only makes it harder to solve... hopefully time can sooth it...

down with the marks

now.. my marks are going down so much.. i haven't never.. in my life.. have done so bad, with no exaggeration. need help with.. mathhh, sciencee, techh and yea... i'm almost.. very close to failing this term. now... thats all for now..

delayed fallfest post

fallfest.. i was looking so forward to it.. and i was there.. and it started off.. not really the best.. but manageable. then the preperation wasn't the most cheerful... i was put off by it for sure.. like.. it may of been fun for some.. definitly it was, but for me - naw. and the booth.. i got the ever-so-fun hockey booth.. with michelle and mary.. not to critize but.. not everyone was helping other than talking and eating. and the booth itself wasn't very popular. so i decided to colour.. yes. colour. a chipmunk. in a while.. i haven't exactly felt so left out and alone when im not. expecially while im at church.. *sigh* some things never change.. and so that was a summary of fallfest..

final x-country run

started the day off early.. for me its too early.. 6:00am.. then i had to make lunch.. and get ready. supposedly i was going to walk to school.. but seriously... it was PITCH dark out there.. [i'm STILL afraid of the dark xP] so i made dad give me a drive. at school, i was suppose to meet sally there so we can go together to hand in our lab reports that were due that day.. within 5 minutes. i fell asleep at my locker.. but woke up moments later. so we delivered our papers...
right when we got back, it was already time to load the bus!! * nervous nervous* the bus was so colddd.. i curled up into a ball.. as i always do when i'm cold.. for the whole ride nearly.. my legs fell asleep *oh joy* i hate that feeling. uhg. we arrived at victoria park collegiate to pick people up. so poor, we have to share buses. -_- but yea. we showed up at etobicoke olympium [spelt wrong...] i hate that place.. ski lift hill.. *whinee* its so steep!
but we fortunately didn't have to run yet, so we put our tent up. sshelter =) it was quite cozy when everyone got in.. sally brought mini crisps! yummsies.. =))) then.. at 11:30am it was our turn to racee. ><
it was so colddd.. and i hated and sucked if i started in a back row. and i did. -_- lucky mee.. it took me a while to get back further front, but never really made it.. and not like i would/can push my way forward. it sucked.. i couldn’t run properly.. then, lucky mee it started to rain.. it was freezing! rain+wind+cold+shorts not exactly the greatest combo.. and i guess i did pretty well until i came to the hill.. it was so steep, i wasted so much energy going half way up the hill, but really, running it, really didn’t bring me up any faster, but just used more energy… that’s prob where i went wrong… so i went on, and on.. first my cramps.. then my collar bone area hurt.. the muscles there… maybe it was because i got rammed over by this gr.12 the other day.. hitting my there.. hm…so a the end, the last .. 4oo m (???) I caught up around 7-9 people. =DDD happy happy happy.. then my coach was like.. give it you awesome end crystal!! Hm.. it hurt.. but it would mean catching up 2 more people.. so I did. it hurt so much.. *ouchiesss* but.. that brought me a place of 79.. definitely not one of my high scores.. but i guess its ok.. sally came in 93? or.. 90 someeething..
then we curled back into our tent and watched the others play cheat. Then we got changed and.. sleep session! *sigh xDDD* curled up in those.. camp..folding chairs.. we fell asleep for a bit.. quite a long bit. =) then we got up and got pizzaaa and hot chocolateee.. =))) yummmsies&& warmmm. then.. back to the tent to.. hide from the evil and unwelcoming weather outside. and there we stayed.. most of the day.. then, at… 5 (???) we packed our tents up and waited for the bus, that never really came… so we played catch, and… tackle catch.. it was so funn.. =DDD never hold the ball for long… is what i learned.. xP then.. at around 6:15, the bussy finally came.. and we got back to our dear school at around… 6:45… WALKED home.. it was so dark outside! I was so scared… and by the time I got home.. it was 7…
that was how my last x-country meet went.. =)

Katelyn, this is for you.

katelyn.. though you may never read this..but still.. i want to write.. it’s on my mind..

katelyn, i don’t want to loose another friend, i lost a lot of close relationships every since i left for the summer..
i can’t believe that you took brittany seriously.. “when you’re depressed, cut and smoke weed!” << DON’T! that’s a reason why i drifted from the others, that’s what they all decided to do kate. i know that we aren’t as close as we use to be, but really, you can tell me what’s happening in life.. i’ll be there for you to talk to.. any time, anywhere. i don’t like to see the blood that’s in you, on your wrists. you always told me to do things that i’d regret later, whatever it is, don’t hurt yourself, is what you’d always told me, i never did, then here i am, doing the same for you. i know life can be hard sometimes, you know what i’ve gone through, well some of it, now, it’s your turn to talk to me about it. srry that i was so hard to get a reach of over the summer.. heard that a lot happened to you. tell me about it. i want to hear. i want to help. it hurts for me too, to see my friend, sad, and kills to see you cut. i only worry because i care. i’ll do what I can to help. now do your part, and talk to me.

no answer..

Its funny how i randomly thought of this.. and agreed and when i tried to think for myself, i was lost and had no answer.. – [everyone’s good or skilled at something.] yes, agreed, so i thought, what’s mine? So that’s where I had no answer, no idea.. and left with it... everything that i’m ‘good at’, i know someone that is many times better.

yea.. anyway.. back to my hw.. ><

another x-country meet

wow. what a dayy.. started at 7:30.. when it was suppose to start at 6:30... lost an hour to get ready and EAT perhaps? yea.. didn't have time to eat before i leave for a day at sunnybrook park for cross country.. so i starve and make dad drive me to school.. when i got there.. i had just enough time to put some stuff in my locker.. and split.. lucky us this time... we have to share a school bus with pearson... as of last time.. coach buss.. ALL TO OURSELVES.. it was so awesome.. it was FREEZING this time... we had a puny tent and 2 tarps.. the big one was to block the wind.. that eventually ripped. >< the tent. the tent fit around 5 ppl max as the whole tent will already b very crowded.. ran at 11:30.. it was so cold. i couldn't feel my legs the second i took off my pants.. the whole run.. i couldn't feel my legs.. but my feet hurt like crazy.. i started off great until i got a head ache from the wind.. that somehow messed my hearing.. then i slowed down.. and down.. and down.. at last i came in 24th out of who-knows-how-many-ppl. i made it to the finalllsssss! =DDD but i don't really want to go.. = / and while the gr11 guys were running.. me and sally take over the tent.. =) what... it was HAILING.. and in the tent.. we decided.. to warm ourselves up.. by wearing whatever that was there... you may find it weird.. but if you were there. you would of done the same. so i took later on known.. marty's sweater.. man.. it was HUGE.. it went down to my knees and the hood covered my entire face.. sleeves 2-3 inches longer than my arm... but hey.. it was warmm.. =) so i looked like a freak running around with a huge sweater.. =) after we stood there for the announcements and stuff... and i continue on to the next meet.. on friday. nxt friday. whipeee.. NOT. =)

rain is all i see

well, what a day... starts off dark.. so dark that i think its still night as i get up for school. so exausted.. and i have no food at home for lunch.. dropped 2 pounds just like that.. -___- now i'm even more underweight. *sigh* so i walk to school. only drizzling.. as livy says.. spitting.. half way there and it POURS.. i'm soaked.. pants are stuck to my leg.. jacket didn't cover my behind.. so my butts wet... n i'll have to sit on it the whole day. JOY. and i have no energy in class.. doseing off.. looking out the window.. raining.. grey outside.. makes you feel so trapped.. like i'm not trapped enough.. then it makes me think of all my other problems in life.. lunch.. as i starve.. i have to go to a cross country meeting.. a run on friday. note. its raining that day. don't i look forward to that.. its a long run too. after school.. drizzling all the way home.
homework homework homework. what an awesome day.
this is building up... not good... *sigh*

Lumas get-together

Sun, October 8, 2oo6

Lumas get-together!
Haven’t had quite as much fin in a while.. though i didn’t do anything extremely special so thanksgiving sunday… first day in inner court!! ‘new chapter to etcbc’…
So different.. but pretty cool.. C= after there was a lot food in the upper room.. celebration of the opening of the inner room im guessing? – the mini cake was gooood. ^^
Then sunday school class, TD .. timouthy and Daniel.. still find that weird.. the class wasn’t the greatest but it was easy… lol.. JT’s babysitting/day care.. xDDD
Then I had a heart to heart(???) convo with jenn.. then mary.. naw… more like.. breaking down and screwing my self over.. -___- then at 2pm..
Lumas’ get-together! – found dad.. “plz! plz! plz! me goo? 0=)” n YUSSS i was free.. =DDD
So then agnes, mich, and i went to michelle’s place.. to eat.. to steal songs.. to leave pics.. and FINALLY, late before we even left the house – late. -____- when we’re out on the highway.. traffic.. =((( finally, eventually we make it to albert’s.. the moment we got in the house.. the number of shoes!! quite a lot of shoes.. we chilled and slowed down before we went downstairs.. then we watched austin powers and learned how to play MJ! yayyy.. =)) thx andrew! [and nice to meet u.. =)] but yea.. i still suck at it..but at least I get how to play.. then we watched the Lumas video.. lol.. wess and his blue sweat.. poster boy! xD jks…
then we played family fued.. i suck at that 2.. =/ …
then.. FOOD! Wow.. a lot of food.. 6 trays of delectable chinese food + a plate of sushi.. lots was left over.. i think it was 3 full trays left over? .. after we played a bit more MJ.. well, i wasn’t playing.. but watching/learning off wess n matt.. so hard to learn when they go so fast.. but i got a bit.. =) n matt.. and his gass prob.. but then again.. he felt sick.. [feel better soon matt! =)))] then we finished our incomplete game of family fued.. go fantastic five!! so jks..
after we watched the lumas video again, followed by the baseball game and the football game…
slowly people left. D= then forget how it started. but we ~ michelle aka fishy, willio aka willius(?), wess and moi.. had a pillow/air baseball bat fight.. i stuck around a bit, but wess split pretty soon… fishy and willius are VICIOUS! xP.. it stopped when mich had to go.. =( then i was the only girl left.. so I slept/watched the game on the couch til jordan’s mum came to give us a lift home.. by the time her mum came it was – 11:30? and got home at 11:45…
didn’t seem that special but it was.. haven’t spent time with a lot of people in a long time.. it was great.

~ miss those I see weekly and even more to those I don’t see even less often..
luv u all!

Oracles Feast

Sat, October 7, 2oo6

oracles dinner.. or FEAST! wow.. what a day..
instead of going to the hell - inspired STS, i bussed myself to church at 10 in the morning to help put with the church inner court clean up.. starting my weekend off early! dropped by at timmy's to get a bagel for breakfast.. then i browsed through the bible store next door from our church.. then i finally reached destination -- church. xD
so there i was.. moving tables.. chairs.. dusting.. with Katie and Ankie, later Agnes too. then we just sat in the inner court reserving seats and just listening to the singers sing. as i was weird enough to attempt doing my homework.. xD
lunch, we were didn’t need to provide lunch? hmm.. didn’t know that. well, then again, neither did Katie.. asking Edwin to bring her a lunch.. so Edwin brings this huge lunch.. n we all .. me, ankie, agnes, and katie all take some.. still we had leftovers.. -____-
later we started cooking dinner.. turkey.. well not really, the girls didn’t really help.. at the end it was just the guys.. xD so the ones that weren’t cooking.. we just hung out.. mich, agnes, and i went and took .. too many pics with sam’s new laptop. so random.. then we played xbox.. i sucked so much.. and throughout the whole time, i walked around with warren’s mini disk player..
then eventually we got to eattt.. yummy.. but i must say.. the stuffing wasn’t my fave.. but it was all cool. and wow.. must be hard cooking for like… 20 people.
after dinner we played uno.. reteat style.. man do i ever embarrass myself! i cut in… changing colour.. bluuuuue! .. not when i was suppose to go.. man.. was it ever sad. xP while we were playing was when we gave darren his pressie, a huge poster with a group pic of the oracles made with a million little pics of pics that were taken during games and practices..so purty.. ^^.. then we had dessert..
mango cake!!! from matt’s dad.. *yumm* ^^ so good. and there was ice cream and apple pie.. sugaaahh.. =DDD
after.. finishing up the evening with more xbox and just chillin..
that was our memorable oracles thanksgiving feast + ankie, agnes (i think that’s all..) and visiting wess w from the lumas..

thanks giving… giving thanks..

cross country

2nd cross country
yes i joined cross country.. because im just cool like that.. x]
what a day.. what a day… first woke up at 6am to get ready for my cross country meet. But then it was raining, thundering, lighting so much.. so no idea if it was still on.. went online to see if sally was going.. since she was the only reason why I’m going. She fully dragged me into it. so i went online.. she wasn't on, so i dug up her number and called her.. nope.. still going. so i got ready and headed out the door... still dark, pouring rain, i walk to school, by the time i got there, my hood was soaked, my pants were soaked and my shoes stored puddles. It was so uncomforable... >_> so i got to school and went to my locker. then went to the washroom to change. it was so sad.. i put my shorts on.. then my pants on top.. but my pants were wet and tight.. so it couldn't go all the way. so i left it unbuttoned.. xP then we loaded on to our COACH bus. =D i fell asleep almost instintly..
When we got there, we had to put up 3 tarps one huge one, one old one with holes, and a small blue one.. it was so sad, it took us so long to put it up, and it was extremely cheap compared to the other school's tents that had there school name, labelled 'cross country' but it was still so fun, Clifford brough .com monopoly! it was hilarious..
Then later i ran... so cold! and so muddy.. >< d=" and"><>< i wore them around.. it was so weird.. but hey.. if its a nice hat, ur not wearing it, so why wont i? x) and they dont mind.
then we cheered our runners on.. and ate... and wondered around.. it was funn...

what i missed at school.. it was spirit day! with spirit assembly.. i missed it! ='((( and it was my fave day.. day 1&3.. now i have to go to day 2/4 consecutively.. suckss.....oh well, still missed school to play monopoly .. =)

here are some picsss..

* clifford with all the pine needles in his hair.. lmao.. xD










<< this was when we were playing monopoly..

so much on my mind

i have so much on my mind... constantly thinking.. but then.. its like, i'm not getting anywhere.

hopefully no one at school goes on this.. as in my blogspot.. its partly due to school that i'm so.. stressing with.. most of my life is there.. all my old friends that i had from last school year are all into drinking, if not smoking. I use to hang out with one group of ppl, now all they do is drink.. and my other friends.. we have so many difference, that its just that difficult to get close and be like, bff. its like.. i just lost everyone, and all i have left are people i barely see, and its just so difficult.
And its really doesn't help that when i get to church, its like the same, every1's grouped.. like.. bff with bff.. and mary isn't always there, like DF. but not only that.. now she's looking after the toddlers. as i am taking care of the children. its like.. there are no more escapes for me.. i can't get away from my problems... I had or still have a fear of loneliness.. i think it started in gr5. Its just that i'll get really uptight when there's no one around. And.. yea.. feels better to get some of it out.. than none.. ..

Fri, Sept 29

Girls night out.. more like in... but wte.. everytime i think of girls nite out, i always think of that night last year. march 31. girls nite out on my birthday, went downtown.. i dunno what kind of night it was.. mix of a happy one, and a sad one, but certainly memorable. But anyway.. so we watched a walk to remember, though i watched it numerous times, i still cryed.. like it wasn't only the movie, it was like... once i started to cry, i cryed because of the movie, but things not relating to the movie would pop up and i go bawl about that too.. it was different, never had that happen before.. like.. the movie reminded me of problems that i have and still didn't deal with.. so i cryed over that... ANyway.. we had ringolos..chips..wet popcorn..pizza.. then we went to the washroom for facial/masks.. xD but then i had to go... .. so that was the end of my night..

` So i cry

here it comes.. all at once.. 3 blogs in a day.. but haven't blogged since.. who knows when before..

So i cry
So what that i cry,
i'm admitting.
i'm always first to cry
during
movies, songs...
over
pictures, memories
people
i'll do the crying..

School...

So here I go to class. I don’t have any close friends in any of my classes, but I know them all, like they’re all familiar faces because I’ve seen them in previous years. As they talk and laugh with each other, I sit there starring at my paper, or a teacher. I’ve never been so silent – everyone says that im shy and quiet. That they hardly know I’m there. I know cause I AM hardly there. I don’t belong. Its like.. bear, cat, dog, fish, banana. I’m the banana. The one that doesn’t fit in. So I look at the clock, then the teacher, then the papers. Its like so quiet for me sometimes that I just fully want to scream, dance around, and be able to socialize, and be me without awkward looks… glares..But then its like.. I do have friends.. but like, not there anymore. My friends gone all.. extreme rock.. and I’m not so much like that.. so there I go again.. awkwardness. Its like.. there’s a problem with everything.. problems that I can withstand for a while.. but really, I don’t have the mad patience and do that all year long.. >< anyway.. yea..seeing school so cruely…

` love child

well, definitely haven't been blogging in a long while...
either its no time, not allowed online, not at home, or busy with homework.
that happens to be my life.
and here is a 'poem' (???) that i wrote... yesterday? i think so..

Love Child
its really sweet of you,
to name me,
love child.
But then,
I don't deserve it,
I give the love
~ getting nothing back..

Thats only Half. love child.

last priority.

when you're in a big group, you're always cut off when you're talking. no one listens to your advice. you either are talked about behind your back or ppl don't even know you're there to talk about you. i'm never first priority. but last. anywhere, with anyone. i think i'm just i'm born with it. even not seeing me for 7 yrs, they won't talk to you for more than 2 minutes. is it that i'm not cool enough? or am i just too weird to comprehend half the time. am i not liked? if so what am i doing wrong?
oh nevermind, i think im nuts, or too lonely here..... srry for wasting your dear time reading this..

banquet.or.nobanquet...

when dreams . hopes . are broken, whether its only little things. it hurts so much.. like the up coming softball banquet. its not too important that i go or not, since i didn't even play this year, but still, it hurts that much. like.. all day, i would b like.. i want to go...

[and if you want to know, i don't know if i'm going anymore, i thought i was, agnes was going to treat me as a welcome back present, but then just today, i heard through my friend, ray that my dad is saying no. it isn't the biggest thing of my life, but it still seems that important, so important that you can have a fit all day.]

is it that i'm still a little kid? or just so desparate to be with my friends? or is it because my over protective parents that won't let me go anywhere, so when i do, its like so exciting?

but anyway, still not sure what i'm going to do, mom said yes, dad says no. i don't know, i don't know at all. and not like i'm in the mood to persuade as i'm trying to persuade myself that i'm happy and that i just love hong kong.

its just awesome how so many problems pops up or catches up with me all when i'm on vacation and when i'm trying to relax, or, try something new. i want to go home, but i don't want to argue with dad to let me go.

i'm 15 dad, maybe at least you can relax when i go out with church ppl.. hopefully.. can't wait til sweet 16, maybe then...

friends

by the way. i'm stopping on the daily posts... you can read it in my book later - when i get back...

but friends. you either know how special friends are, are not. even if you don't. im sure you have gotten quite a few of those forwards of poems and stories on friends. its all touching. but you don't fully feel it until you have to loose your friends and know how it feels to have no friends at your side. i, on this vacation now love all my friends even more than i ever did. i've always loved my friends more than average i guess because of, once again, experience. but after or still, during my vacation to hong kong, i really dearly love and miss my friends.
i'm here in hong kong for exactly 67 days; 9 and a half weeks. no friends, and everyone around me are people that i hardly know. people that i haven't seen in at least 8 years. its scary. its depressing. all my friends are on the other side of the world, i hear everything that is happening and im not, can't be, part of it. instead im stuck in a city that i barely recognise, and can't locate myself in. i have my mother. but really, its like she's not here. she knows and catches up with people that she hasn't seen, as i am there, quite litterally tagging along, with no choice. knowing me, im more energetic than quiet. here, i have said little, and have thought more than i've done in a very long time. it's hard to keep all that, energy, happiness in, or not having it at all, not being able to smile willingly, or laugh, not to put on a show, but truely from my heart.
try. it's hard. and it may be alike to those forward emails that you get. and maybe not even because my writing isn't that... well, since its hard to think too clearly when you have so many thoughts going through your head. but try to imagine how it would feel to have no friends around you. in a city you barely know. for so long. as everyone around you are having fun, you aren't. and you haven't smilied from your heart in so long. it'll drive you crazy.

i don't really have time to exactly express how i feel. but i am being kicked off.

miss you all terribly. love you all. miss you all.

July 31. o6

today, was supposedly the day i get to take a break and relax, since we've been so busy every single day.. but around 10, my aunt calls me to go over, so we buss there, we play uno, cards, then gives me a bathing suit, and was like, i got it 4 u a while ago, but forgot to give it to you all this time... so we go swimming in the outdoor pool at the hotel that she lives at. such a beautiful beautiful pool, cute lifeguards too. =P kill me.. anyway. so we swam, and i entertained the kids til it was dark, then by the time we got back to the room, it was like 11, we didn't really think it was reasonable to take the late buss that costed more, home, then bus back here again tomorrow, for bbq+swimm so we stay over night. and i go downstairs at 2:24in the morning to blog this.

July 19, o6

today, well, what a day, last night i slept at a relatives place, ming's. she's around 9 months older than me, (self reminder, birthday in november) we went touring around in the area, loads of fun, and sweating buckets, its steaming hot here, its a small old village, but has a goregeous beach and very homie. last night, we went out, late at night, to the beach, we lied down, aunt, mom and me, and we looked at stars, so calming, *ugh* other than the fact that we were covered in sand and was all salty. We went to a public washroom to wash our feet off, but then decided to wash our hair too. note that the showers where not in anywhere, but out in the open, it was so funny, these guys kept walking past looking. we ended up being fully soaked, it was so funny how screwed up we looked, we were laughing histaricly. the guys decide to sit there and stare... o_O but so memorable, like seriously, we looked insane or high or something. love the beach. love the beach. going to go swimming again at some other beach i heard. oh yea. i got flip flops. PINK PANTHER flip flops!! =DDD loveeee them. had sushi too. got home to ming's place at around 3 in the morning. =DDD lol.. it was so funn tho. what a day.

July 6, o6

landed in HK at 1:07 am.

aunt vince picked us up, and already, we are on our usual, 'roaming the hk streets' we go to some roadside fast food place and we had these awesomely yummsie mango law-mie-chee's it was so good.. *sigh*
then we went back to her place for the night, she lived in a hotel(!!!) resort city was what it was called... so purty!

July 5, o6

today, i leave vancouver. miss the kids, they're so sweet, tho troubling, but i'm sure they are a lot more calmer than yours truely, i was problably the most energetic little animal around.. we went out once again, this time, all the kids were in summer school, not including baby emily of course, like she knew i was leaving, she was always reaching for me to hold her.. it was so cute, she learned how to say jea jea and kept saying it to me. it was so adorable... she kept pointing at me when she said it too, poked me in the eye.. -__- but still, its impossible to not forgive the innocent child. n she kissed me right before i had to go, fly off...
and her mom, wow.. talk about generous, she gave me a red poket with $2000.. i couldn't take it...i think i just took $100, but it was so thoughtful, i miss them, they were so welcoming...
miss u famm.. <3

July 4, o6

today.. not much happened actrully, but my hands SORE, we went to a restarant, and ltlle morgan went into my purse without me even knowing, and pulls out my cell phone and says.. I WANT ONE!! MAKE ME ONE!!!?? n i had to draw a cell for him, ended up making like 7, one for every kid... tiring.. and picky kids too.. " i want it too be exactly the same, all the details!" -_____- man, just a bit annoying...
after we went to this place where they fix suitcases and stuff.. harmony screwed our suitcase.. but it was old and we were going to throw it away anyway.. so it didn't matter so much... but we got a pick of anything in the store that was worth $110! i got this green tote bag.. pretty, a bit big tho.. but its pretty.. =)
after we went to CRYSTAL mall to eat, yummsie, we had this ice flake thing with stuff on top.. it as different, but good.. =D

July 3, o6

today.. we went yum-tsa.. and then when to "Parker Place" and took those booth pictures. but not the ones we have at STC.. but like.. the really good ones.. it was soo funny.. my lil cousin morgan, in the middle of taking all the pictures.. he was like.. i'm tired.. i don't want to take anymore pictures... i want to take a nap.. and we're all like.. NOOOOOO! STAYYYYY.. it was so funny.. but he did stay..
then back at home, Carmen kept on asking if i would play monopoly with her.. so i did.. but the way she plays.. but then again.. she's small, she doesn't really get it.. and she gets all sad when she's loosing, so i lost for her.. she was so happy.. but the game ended at 12am. -___- mom didn't know she was still up, Karioke.. -__- funn, as i entertain children.. -__- oh well...

July 2, o6

*sigh* so tired, and dad's going back to Tdottie tonight! *sniff* gonna miss him.. and the kids.. they made my chrispers and bugles disappear.. o_O
We went to "Ice Cream Factory" ahhh! So much ice cream!!! so many flavors! longan, wasabi.. i think 218 flavors... i had.. longan and and.. i think it was green tea? i liked the green tea.. getting obsessed too.. XP
that night.. at 11, we took daddy to the airport.. *SNIFF SNIFF* yea.. couldn't help it, i cryed.. it was so funny in a way.. i kept on looking up and blinking so the tears won't fall, and this guy was looking at me and the ceiling thinking that something was that amusing.. psh... but yea, at the end, i cryed, too many tears to hold back.. * SNIFF* yea.. yea.. yeppp

July 1, o6

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!! so on Canada day, i go on "BC Ferries" to Victoria! i was so tired... and as slow as i am... i didn't know that tour buses go right into the boat/ferry... i found it soo amusing.. XP so we got to downtown i think of Victoria.. there was this festival, it was pretty cool, then there was a carnival, but with a $10 addmission fee.. -___- we had 3 people, me, mom& dad. so, $30!!! just a bit expensive.. and it didn't look that fun..
we also went to where terry fox started his long marathon.. we also went to..."the butchant gardens" pretty flowers.. mom n her allergies went nuts... =S.. and my eyes got itchy.. =( food there is sooo expensive! 2 sandwiches and a bowl of chili was like... $22? none of us were full...
That night we got back and went to a japanese restaurant for dinner.. =DDD yummsiees! that night i went to my cousin Samuel's and we played video games.. i lost to a 8 year old.. o_O... and we watched herbie fully loaded..and got home at around.. 4:15am... GREAT...

June 29, o6

In Alberta, i noticed something... in ontario, the street lights are hanging vertically, here, its horazontal... Anywayss.. we arrive at "Lake Louis" we have a $50 buffet lunch. it was good, much seriosuly not worth a huge 50 bucks.. but it was a gift from my grandma, we stop at "Crowfeet mountain, the snow is permanent, and it looks like a crow's feet. We also went to Columbia icefield, its like... ur up north, but its not extremely freezing... i drank some of the water and had an ice-cycle.. =DDD freshhhhh*** at the last hotel, ramanda, it had a pool, && free internet!!!

June 28, o6

in the bus, i take over 2 seats, so much more room for me to sleep.. pass this store.. "TABACCO" i wonder what it sells... yea, just bored and random.. stopped at this place for a washroom break, i saw this pretty blue and black bird, it hops! =P there was also these chipmunk type animal. it was so adorable, not shy at all, it climbed up on me! so cute.. i think there was a picture of it on me.. gone to alberta, we went to this "natural bridge" it use to be a waterfall over these bolders, then the water wore it out and now the water went through the rock, but still with a path over it.. bridge, natural bridge. then im in banff. we went to this town or villige in banff, and went into this foodcourt in some mall, we had Edo, and Mrs.Vanellis for lunch. We went to "Banff Gandola" had, these cable cars and lots of scenery, gorgeous. second hotel - Royal inn, No pool, but 2 jacuzzis..

June 27, 2oo6

We sit in front of CRYSTAL mall for the bus to come, tour bus, coach bus. When they come, they speak mandarin, i dont speak mandarin. so yea, we finally find our bus.. and we pass a street called brunette Ave.. tee hee.. awesome. After a long while.. we stopped for a washroom break, there was this giftstore.. i saw this ADORABLE stuff animal, owl..it was so expensice, $9.50, owl wasn't even bigger than my palm...we arrive at this winery, tried ice wine, i turned red. some was ok, but most was crapp... then we went to an apple orchid, fuji apples! had apple cider...i bought a "honey sips" pure honey in a pixie stick wrapping, but with rootbeer flavor... it was pretty good.. healthy candy.. =) stayed at a hotel, pretty, REDDD, crapp pool though.. so small!!! its like.. hot tub X3...

June 26, 2oo6

We went to Elizabeth park... all scenery.. flowers, trees.. then we went to Jericho beach, it was pretty.. but we only stayed for an hour i think, or even half, i went to Vancouver's Chinatown too..and gastown, with the whisling granfather clock... cuban cigars sold everywhere! Went to Stanley Park, saw this racoon, it was not shy AT all.. it walked right up to me, i backed off.. what if it had RABIS.. i think i spelled it wrong.. meh.. >.< I also passed English Bay, a lot of statues, there was one that was two rings.. tomorrow, tour trip to banff.. =)

June 25, 2oo6

nothing really happened this day.. other than visiting places.. mountains, Aberdeen Centre - saw a smartcar convertable, CRYSTAL mall =DDD got a cell from there.. not mine tho.. =( , fisherman's wharf-saw a duckie!=) then when to "timothy's cafe" and had frozen yogurt...SO GOOD..anyway, Grandville Island.. HOTT guy alert! o_O.. =P, there was this comedian there too..
oh yea.. i'm entertainment to children now.. i had nothing to do or play with them.. so i made a paper bird that moved.. so they can play.. then they ask for everything else you can imagine..
miss people back home...

June 24th, o6

well, im blogging what happened before, i'm writing a journal as i go, im not goin to type it up, but you can read it when i get back...so yea, i never really got the chance to blog - til now.

june 24
i get up at 6:12am for the cab, so emotional when i passed friend's houses, even the exits of where they'd go, like kennedy - jenn, teared. a lot. turned pink. -___- it hurts to not see my friends in so long.. around 5 - 1o minutes before we got to the airport, mom notices that she forgot the passports in a baggy thing at home. -__- we rushed home and back, with a cab fee of $7o. and a fee of $4o per person for being late, we had to wait for the second plane to Vancouver, at 11. its a 3 hour wait, so we sat around, watching the time pass slowly. You can just imagine how fun that was... i got bored so i decided to earn some money putting the carts away, 25 cents at a time, well, not bad, i got 3 bucks.. :)
On the plane, i love going through the clouds, n above them, so .. different, not like you see that everyday..i saw the rockies from thousands of feet up.. watched 'big momma' and 'everyone loves raymond' on the plane.
landed. aunt Virginia picked us up. went to her house, man, its a manison.

yepp, thats it for now...

Ramada Hotel

posting/blogging at my hotel, early in the morning..yes as odd as it seems..i'm on a tour trip to alberta, banff, calgary, rockies... yepp, i've done it all. currently in banff tho. staying at "ramada" only hotel that has free internet.. well, out of the 3 hotels that i've stayed at..... crap, g2g jump on the busss now.. so that's all for now..

last day of school

wow. what a day. first i went to skool. and saw ashley sitting on the hill, i went up to her, she looked so tired and sick, i didn't feel well after. I asked about roxy, n when she can bring her over. n ... she tells me that she's gone. gone to the pound. i was in shock. i was so excited to get her. then. pound. she said she'd try to get her back. but seriously, what are the chances. like, even if she did. i'm not here. i dont even have 24 hrs left here. and getting the marks. wow. this term was crapp. i did so poorly.. tsk at myself. but well, if ur wondering. no i didn't fail. not even near. but still. so that didn't cheer me up. neither did courtney or lia, they didn't go to skool. well, at least i didn't see them. oh yea. wow. mark has a mohawk, n its green! now, i have a couple of hours to pack before i go to STC and DF 2nite. then after that.. less than 10 hrs later, i'm gone for the summer. i miss u every1! ='( <333

2 days...

yea. i can't think of a title. titles.. psh. lol. X) yea. so i'm blogging since i have nothing else to do. im in school, but no teachers are doing anything. so here i am on the computer doing whatever.. so. yea. during first class, i had tech. but i went to history with tatum. no here in tech. as i should have science.. i wonder how my day is going to go...
----
yea. so from a regular day. to a disaster. so after. i went home, went to my cuzin's. then went with mom to the civic centre to drop off some bill thing. i went to the washroom. n left the cell phone in the stall. n when i came back for it. gone. Gone.GOne.GONe.GONE!!! *sigh* yea. so great day.. n now i talk to a million ppl b4 i go. just in case i can't catch them online later...

yearbooks

today.. i went to drama class, to watch a presentation. then i went off to the library, home, plaza, with ashes and brittany. then we bought CRISPERS!! (mhhhh) love 'em.. X) then back to school to see or get the yearbooks. i didn't get one, but signed plenty.. then i look through. (!!!!) i wasn't in it! at all. :'( how great.. hate this school now.. love u girls.. lol - sticking me in.. :D :D :D <333 thxx. what a day.. pretty dull.. then mom came to pick me up and all the stuff i had in my locker. *sigh* so little days while i'm still here. 3. i'm like.. already homesick, im going to miss every1 so much.
i dunno if im odd. but i really miss the little things.. the little things i like to do when im bored. my habits that i do. like when im bored, i look out the window starring at those trees i've seen for so long, see how much they've grown since last summer, seeing the birds fly, squirrels playing, chasing each other, the people playing basketball outside. i miss even sitting outside. being bored with my friends.. just these little things that i'll miss so much. i can't even begin to explain how i feel for the people i love, family, friends. everyone. love you all. <333 xoxoxo

Roxy~ my new puppy

yussss. i'm getting a puppy!! its a 3 month old cocker spaniel, girl, hyper, ... yea. aww. how i came 2 getting it.. ashley had a kitty. had .. 4? kittens n ran away with them a few months later. then got roxy. but now.. they dont want roxy. n i wanted a puppy. n amuzingly. when i asked dady.. he said YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D :D :D :D :D but now.. i have a prob.. i'm going away for the summer. i need someone 2 look after it til i get back.. which is from june 23rd, til Aug 29th.. anyone??? plzzzzz..

last Sunday

wow.. i serious had a split second when i wanted to cry. i'm going away for the summer in 6 days. this was the last sunday that i'll be seeing them in like 2 months. Some people might not find this that bad.. but i really love and care for my friends a lot. i guess its from my .. past? yea. i had a very hurtful memories with friends. it still hurts when i think back. it all started around gr.6 or 7. i had a little group of friends that i would hang out with. And since i was still young, with extremely protective asian parents.. i wasn't allowed to go here and there with everyone else. I don't know if that's what started it, but i wasn't with every1 else as much. which would make me feel left out half the time when they talk about what they did the day or event that i wasn't there. But i just tried to wing it until like.. middle school and get new friends. And at the begining of going to middle school, gr7, a new girl joined the group, they had a lot of little gatherings, like go to her house, then her house.. i wasn't exactly told this, but when i was walking home with the, new girl was like. "why is she[crystal] here?" in the loudest whisper.. that hurt. and i found out that they were actually using me, since i had a lot of stuff. i was quite literally kicked out, the most hurtfully ways they use. I then met an asian girl, I was really close with her, but still not have fully recovered from before. And to make a very long story short, I gave in, was her best friend, til she met my old friends, started to treat my dryly, and basicly did the same, but when i asked her why, her answer was that i was showing off my stuff. but seriously, i get it from friends, or family friends or i buy it myself, i don’t buy it to show off, but because I like it too.
And its just different at church, people, respect every1, so that’s basicly why i’m so grateful of my friends at church. Love you guys so much.. whether i just met you, or known you my whole life.
But anyway.. I had funn, other than the fact that I couldn’t find any1 half the time. it was funn hanging with wesley, happy __th wess!
Really wanted to go to the softball prac today, but, I have to do my room.. funn..

Still have to plann how im going to chill with every1 in time b4 I leave… im still planning...

MO-jam

yay.. what a day, memories. drama. watched the presentaions. n math. lol. sooo jks. alyssa! u n ur deoderant! seriously. find a better time.. lol. X) n my cookies n class. i have a feeling that ms.yang say me.. =P oh well, she didn't say anything about it.. english. EMbarassing.. i fully didn't have my arguments for the ennglish debate. THX SANDRA&&MARIAH!!! life savers.. <333>< lia, u damn teaser! h8 u. u lucky bastard.. :P jks.. n courtney, -- so cute. lia -- hottt. LOL. n me. .. --- .. nvm. after i was done the frech exam. *sigh* *dreamy* moments.. with the hat.. =))))))) anyway. i'll lay off my detail.. 2 juiccy 4 u! lol :)) anyway. we went to mowat's MO-jam - saw himm.. ;))) lol.. n the sumo wresling was hilarious. n the slide, courtney, u really should have gone. it was awesome. really. n then watched the bands play. n thx lyssa 4 the henna! luv it! ;)))) yeppp.. my day. with a juiccy part all 2 myself.. *sigh* lol

What a day! next to nothing happened.. -__- first i had tech. i had a test. seriously tho.. it was hard. hard reading n understanding the question itself. then i had science, i presented my projecton Aries.. my sign! yes anyway. i did pretty good. then lunch.. it was boring.. then gym.. i got evaluated in soccer, n we played a game. Then geo. anyother presentation.. what a great day.. if u can have anymore test or pres...
after skool.. fully got jumped by ashes.. n home. msn. apparently connor starts talking 2 me.. barely know him.. but i dont mind! :D lol u must b jealous courtney.. lol. jks.
Change in katelyn's bday party.. to fri. great. then i miss even more. going 4 like 3 hrs...

8 days left...

Today was pretty plain. other than going to the doctors for my check up. i was soo scared, i don't like getting blood test. n lucky me.. i didn't have to! :D.. yepp.. n some ppl r pissing me off a bit.. i'll live..4 now.

So buzy these days.. so many projects.. tho there’s only .. like 8 days of skool left. -___-

well, this Friday, im going to katelyn’s birthday party! :D awesome. watergun fight. I’m so dead. n I already know it. X) yea. Then I go home. Then bus 2 DF… wonder what we’re doing..

' [anon]

I can see when you look at me.
But when I look at you,
u look away.
makes me confused.
You said you liked me,
but when I start liking you…
u avoid me.
u confuse me hunn.
confuse me lots.

' family peace

Wouldn’t I just want 2 live in peace.
There is no peace.
For once I’d like to walk into my home.
n not b scared
not b worried that there would b an argument.
how much I’d love 2 see the family smile.
Together.
that our hearts won’t criticize.
that we could be able to communicate
calmly.
sensibly.
never had a nice conversation ending calmly.
but instead wildly.
so much I’d like it to be peaceful.

[arguing a lot lately...*sigh*]

' acceptance

[if you want to know. i do poetry.. this is one.]

All i wanted was to be accepted,
accepted for who i am.
not for who i'm not.
accepted anytime.
not just when you're bored,
using me to pass the time,
i want to know.
why.
why am i not being accepted
is there something wrong with me?
what is it?..
accept me.

12 days 2 go..

its june 12th, 2oo6. exactly 12 days til i go 2 hk. man m i going 2 miss everything here back home.. n i can't even relax. renavating. i have to help because im part of the family. Well, obviously no one cares that i need sleep. i have projects, test n hw.. n of course renavating. i was planning/hopeing that i would b able 2 go out with my friends a few days b4 i go. where m i suppose 2 find time 2 do that now? *sigh*

renavating. since April 18th, 2oo6. now june 12th. still renavating. well at least the house looks better now... broke down a wall, painted the whole ground floor n most of 2nd floor. im switching rooms with my dad's book room since its bigger n i have a lot of stuff. so much 2 do. so very little time.