reminiscing 2oo7

year 2oo7..

.........--things that stand out as of noww

-winter retreat [tubing!, staying up all night talking, jenn~ceiling!] : D
-TC2oo7 [team king david] = /
-my sweet 16 [dimsum, stc] {i appologize again} : P
-fairhavens [trailers! hanging out with my cousins for so long & few of my sisters too.] : D
..........*just amazing seeing my cousins interested in Christianity <3
-mommy leaves to HK leaving only a note :' (
-learning to bus and getting around myselfs : )
-softballlllll [i suck] <3
-beaching [let the summer sun shine--*] ^^
-harvey's free burger sunday [Soo many burgers!] : o
-[Out of the water] : )
-fishing with daddys again : )
-summer retreat : l
-issues. D' :
-banquet.o7 : D
-vbs.2oo7 [loved the kids] : l
-got in TC captaining : D
-didnt get to go to the Ex : (
-cows of flaming pepos(that wear used bandaids) <3
-started to hang out(movies and shopping xD) with corey.larissa.shawna/lisa : D
-christmas [spends christmas eve with hailey] : D

......*corey gave me a pooh bear --its adorable

......*rissa gave me a dolphin necklace and earrings
......*mary gave me a shirt
......*willio gave me a hollister tee ^^
......*cavy gave me a necklace, and HALLS! lmao, just what i needed : P (love the blue)
......*will gave me a SNOWBOARD
-ankie+sabrina's baptism : D
-mom coming home : /
-ET boxing day trip : )


ok. gayness! i edited it.. and half of everything deleted itself. im forgetting some stuffs now.. >_< --thanksyou for making this a memorable year for me : )

new layout!

thought i'd change it up a bit..
but i think i might miss my old one.. i had that one for so long...
like this one or the old one?

-such a pointless post.. : P

RIP grandma

RIP my beloved grandma <3
november 28, 2oo7 - 6:45pm
blessed the world for 86 years.

so today my grandma goes, the one on my mom's side, the one that i knew more, the one that cared about me most.

i dont know that much, since i dont want to ask my mom right now, but i heard that her chest hurt and the next thing, she couldnt breathe.. called ambulance, and left this cruel world while being saved.

here at home, we get a call, as my mom picks up, i hear loud crying, and my mom confused, not knowing what is happening, nor what she's saying. i had a bad feeling, and this is what it came to.

the last time i saw her was at the end of summer.o6, last year, when i went to hongkong to see my grandparents, my grandpa actually, since he's sick, growing deaf, blind, and really weak. so my grandma going first is a surprise.

i could of seen her again summer.o7 but i didnt want to go back, i missed my friends here too much, and i hated coming back and feeling out of place, i didnt want to go there cause i didnt have friends, and it seemed like i wasnt important enough for even my cousins to take the time to take me out, i went with my mom, meeting her friends, and i just seemed or felt like a show and tell thing, and thats that. i didnt go. im so selfish.

i got to see her almost once every 3-5 years, mbee more. and i cant even take some time away from my comfort zone, to spend time with my grandparents. what kind of granddaughter am i. w t c.

i remember when i was a kid, i would go to hongkong over the summer holidays, and she knew that i loved ice cream gee miy low, or just ice cream in general, and she would buy so much to fill the freezer before i got there, the fridge would be filled with yik lik daws and just all my favorite foods. she always thought that i had to eat more, and she knows that i can pack in a lot of food.. and every time i had ice cream, i saw her looking at me enjoy it, and asked me how it was.. i dont know how she loved me, i dont know how anyone can love me, i mean i was a mischievous, curious, and just had too much energy for my own good.. i tried to do a favor, ending up in a mess, for example, i wanted to be useful, and i dusted the tv, and i saw the lines in the back, and i wanted to clean in the tv too, so i poured water into the tv. and you can guess what happened..

i loved making cards for people when i was small, and i wanted to make one for my grandma, i saw watermelon on the table cloth, and i just helped myself to them, i cut them out and put in on the card.. i drowned her plants, i coloured her plants, i dropped a pebble from the 35th floor of the apartment to see it drop..(dont worry, no one was down there), i tried to catch a gecko on the wall.. through all that and so much more, she still loved me.

thinking back now, why am i so thoughtless? i was annoyed when she was asking me about anything and everything last time i saw her, summer.o6. from who are your friends? do you still go to church? how's your dad? how's school? hows the weather in canada? do you have a bf? do your friends? now.. now i think she asked out of her heart, she missed me, she hasnt seen me in years, and she wanted to build conversation, she wanted to talk to me.. dont get me wrong, i did talk to her, i didnt walk away, just i tried to minimize the chances she had that chance.. to ask about everything.. now i can only wish she can ask me question after questions for hours...

i dont see her much, but it was comforting to know that she was always there, now it seems so hard to accept that shes gone...

Harmony Bear

i said i was going to do a happy post.. so here it is : )
i always loved the carebears, just cause its like the basics to a friendship, but displayed in bears.. : P every bear has a "strength"? and its on their tummies =]
so recently while i was procrastinating, i was google-ing the care bears : P and i found a quiz thing to see which one you are most like.. im harmony bear, wee! one of my faves along with love-a-lot and tenderheart. : )

so since im weird, i got this profile of harmony bear:

Harmony Bear helps others get along. This peace-loving bear knows our differences are something to be celebrated, not something to keep us apart. When differences are brought together in harmony they create something beautiful. That's the meaning of her symbol—a smiling flower with different colored petals.
Caring Mission: Helps others overcome differences and get along.
Symbol: Her smiling flower symbol shows the beauty and happiness that comes from getting along with those around us.
Personality: Open and friendly.
Motto: Good times get better when we get along together!

if you want to do the quiz too.. i gotcha a linkk! : DD [click here to do quiz]
and this is what i got.. or results..

You are most like Harmony Bear. Harmony Bear helps others get along. This peace loving bear knows our differences are something to be celebrated, not something to keep us apart. When differences are brought together in harmony they create something beautiful. That's the meaning of her symbol a smiling flower with different colored petals.
Her Caring Mission is to help others overcome differences and get along. Her smiling flower symbol shows the beauty and happiness that comes from getting along with those around us. Her Personality is open and friendly. Her Character Quirk is that she's got a beautiful singing voice that seems to magically help calm others when they're upset. Her Color is Lavender. Her Best Friend is Friend Bear. Her Relationship Challenge is with Champ Bear. He can be so competitive sometimes. Motto is Good times get better when we get along together.

--what did YOUUU get? : )

changing

i know that some people hate to admit their bad habits and stuff.. but i dont know. i just started thinking.. bad habits arent good (no really?) and i want to do something about it. i mean the first step to changing it is to admit it right?

well heres some confessions --im just getting really stubborn and rebellious.. not really the greatest thing all the time. i guess the things that happened earlier this year and stuff now are really hitting me hard, from just being able to trust(not the best word) anyone, its like self conscious, or just paranoid. ive gotten more sensitive, and i isolate myself more than i ever had.

im just learning to open up and listen again, i guess im learning this from my mom, as she just doesnt listen to me, its like talking to a wall, but the wall likes to criticize me. its so frustrating. and i dont know if i make others feel that way, but i feel that im putting up a wall sometimes, and i feel really bad for it, so sorry to anyone and everyone that i did that to. seems like the solution to all of them would be open.. and thats where i'll start.

ive really grown to like alone time, no im not emo, i promise. but just not getting influenced at all, i've been close to people that i know arent good influences to me, and i sponge characteristics and qualities from people like crazy.. so i just chose to not be close at all to avoid any sponging at all.. i stick with my church buds : ) but it feels kinda lonely since i only see them around twice a week.. i have friends at school, just a few that i stick to, but even then still limited closeness..

stubborn, too protective, i cant keep emotions back very well anymore. i cant control tears from coming to my eyes. i cant set my trembling voice away, i cant speak, i loose my words. so much to work on..
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these negative blogs make me seem so emo.. xD
ill post a happy blog soons.. just errr i dont have one right now : P

i have nutella beside me.. does that count? ♥

please know when and where to stop, even if i dont know, i think you should.

[for readers, you mite not get this.. i dont think its exactly organized or anything... just me going on and on cause theres no one to talk to..]

say it in my face. bringggg it.
dont go looking for someone that isnt involved to tell me. YOU tell me.
you know that i wont say anything to ones that arent involve. you cheated.
you dont need to go telling everybody.
whats gossip going to do?

talk. lets talk. define talk. you're yelling.
im sick of this, its not even my ears that are ringing, its my head all together.
stop putting it off, its going to come back. lets get it over with.

encouragement? respect? ya? ya? uhh NO. thanks for trying, i was paying attention, and that was pure bull.

from expectations. respect. to nothing.

im scared of you now... i give up. is that what you want? im done with this, i dont want to be a part of it. i dont want to be here.

leave me alone. let me walk. but you wont let me. everything i do has to be approved by you. really. its not necessary. hope you got that. but i doubt, cause who knows how many times ive told you that already...

whats there for me to do that you cant pick on? im human, let me make the mistake then not letting me, its almost like i dont trust what you say.. you've let me down.. and i dont know, but i cant seem to take your word for it. id rather fall and see so for myself.

the things you say are far, its harsh. things that shouldnt even be thought of, and you're saying it? dry. burnn. fine. i'll take it.

but i'll never forget. i promise you. and i hope you remember what you said, and take into consideration what it did to me, words that will change how i think, how i feel for you, and how it will change me in a whole. all summed up in those few words, make me feel useless, worthless, and i just dont belong. why do you want me to feel that way? i never wanted that for you..

for who you are, i shouldnt need to look elsewhere for the things you should be providing, encouragement, caring words, love. it disappoints me.

i dont mean to do the things i do, if i do it, i'll feel bad for it, count on it that i'll come and apologize. but you dont feel that way. to you, its like you do nothing wrong.

im sorry that i let you down, at least it'll only affect me no matter what happens. but i didnt do it on purpose. i swear. but those expectations you put on me, i warned you ahead of time.
i dont like witnessing disappointment, and even more if i caused it, i didnt want to give you details..

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i just want to go away. away from just everything.
loose myself in an empty room with no memories, music up to the max, so i cant even hear myself think
mbee then i can get my sanity back.
bring me back to sanity. i lift my arms up to You, hold me up and take control, cause i just cant.
there is a limit to your restrictions.
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with tears streaming down my face, doing nothing wrong. taking the blame, and i walk up to you and i say sorry. as long as it'll patch things up, i think its important that at least i say it, in every situation, i dont believe that i was fully right, whatever i was doing may of encouraged it, whatever it may be, i dont regret my apology. now i did my part, are you up to doing yours? i just wish that i wont have to do it again, for the same reason...

5 months

within around 5 months, may 25th to oct 5th, that my mom went away to support her sister, my aunt, while she suffered through cancer...
--i've never been away from my mom for so long... never.
and it hurt me so much, when she left, especially while i was on a trip, and i didnt know.
all i got when i got home was a note that she left, telling me that she was gone. and she didnt even know for how long..
for 5 months i had to learn the things she taught me previously that i barely ever used, like cooking, laundry, or just the mother job altogether.
i was forced to learn how to be independent, and to do almost everything myself, from getting up in the morning without someone pulling me out of bed, meals, to just getting somewhere.
i didnt have to take all the lecturing that she always had for me.
i had less restrictions, i just didnt have as many arguments as my mom would be the one i had most arguments with since i saw her the most.
now that shes back, im so glad that i dont have to do all the chores anymore, and i have my mother back..
but i think i changed a lot over this summer, for the good and for the bad...
i learned to be independent, i dont need as much assistance as i did before. im more mature, i've grown closer to God.
but im not as patient anymore, i use to always had to be, for my mom, just to get along, but now its like i cant take all those lectures, they're hours long, and its almost like i lost the ability or patience to talk to her like human beings.
i learned to be on my own, and do everything myself without supervision, and now its like i have to be monitored, like i cant be trusted to do anything. it feels insulting almost, its frustrating, im telling her that i can do it, but she doesnt hear me.
im really glad about summer07, i learned so much, and did so many things that i just wasnt really allowed, restricted from, i've experienced good and bad, and learned to deal with them.
but now its like my privileges have been taken away and i cant really get along with my mom as well as i use to.

[if its not one thing after another, or just everything coming all at once.. ]

how i feel [r i g h t n o w]

break my heart for what breaks yours.
been there
done that

i hate when you treat me this way, i hate stepping down and let you walk all over me for no reason. but when you get upset, why is it that i just have to come help you up.. knowing that when you're better, you're just going to do the same thing all over again. i hate you, but i hate to see you hurt more.

i learned to not depend on anyone, but myself. if i screw up, i'll only affect me. i dont need to compromise, i dont need to consider how people think of it, if they approve.

i have a habit to deny and suspect everyone's motives before i let them affect me emotionally, only leads to being rebellious actions.
dont bring on a challenge when im stressed or frustrated, i'll accept and either or both of us will be hurt in the end.

frustration. drama. argument. when will it stop?
[i have a headache..]

Optical illustions

these are links.. just click on them : )

weird ppl

circular motion?

which way is the girl turning?

response.

please read this qoute carefully, it took some time for me to just retrieve it, like an hour.., it has little to do with what i have to blog about, but i think its something that everyone should think about...

It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship. - Henry Ward Beecher

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first of all, to the persons blog or post, yet to be posted..
i just thought i should tell you, im really impressed? proud? look up to you to be able to tell how you really really feel like that.

and also, "[missing/unknown] 'pieces of information' about you" i think that if person thinks of you as close friends with you, its necessary to show all of you and not hide things from them. Hiding things from a friend is like lying to me, lying about the truth, and i do mean full truth.

also, i personally dont think that anyone, or just me, deserves or have the right to be angry at anyone, they're my friend and i dont think i should be mad or angry at her for trying to fix things, and i do owe an apology, for being difficult and not really co-operative. you were trying to fix things and i pulled back, i still think of you as a friend, so i should trust you, but i didnt and pulled back.. and thats just not a quality of a friend. and i apologize for it. --im sorry that i made things difficult for you.

i didnt get over anything for her, dont think of it as a favor, to me its almost like essential, because i know, or thought that it would help this situation, and thats all i wanted, for the problem to just disintegrate..

-- i can say that this has scared me, but i'll wear it to not get back to you, but to show to others, not to bring you down, but to help or prepare others that may go through this.

To wait for God to handle this, its not to give up ourselves, its like making a human pyramid. if someone is falling, you call out for help, you dont just relax til help comes, but you hold on and try as help comes..

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its true that i dont believe this is over, it wasnt talked about
and the out waiting of the problem, never really lasts, i'll be good for now, its only temporary, and i'll come back, and its possible to come back even worst, personally, i dont think i can handle that, so i do suggest that doesnt happen. Sorry if you think im being selfish and thinking that things have to be done because i dont think i can handle it, but i think it hurts everyone, and i dont think anyone wants it. and for all the friends i have that are concerned and are pulling me out of my emotional pit, thankyou i really dont think that i could be where i am right now emotionally. still up and not hiding from the world in a hole or whatever.. so thankyou.

i know a few of you are confused. im going to state them. some repeated before but i dont care, i want you to know, and to untangle your tied up strings
-its not about the guy. i dont care
-im not mad
-im still her friend

i know that i dont really let friends get too involved.. i think its a waste of their time no matter what they say or think.. but this time.. i think i need it..
this is a balancing act.. we keep each other up and get through together.. im up for it, now.. who's going to join this? im telling you now that its not going to be easy, its going to be like boot camp, its a challenge.

&& this is it, with no sugar, but bitter molasses

im sick of you trying to be all sweet and make up with me while just being straight up mean to my friends, im not down with that and they are your friends too, as far as i know right now.

-- i dont talk to you because i just cant say that i want to.

-- really. why do you act like nothing s wrong. everyone already knows, just the way i dont want it. so you might as well stop acting. i dont know what to believe from you anymore. look where it lead me, believing you at first.

-- how i feel doesnt seem to matter to you as you first demonstrated.

-- sure, ok, im making matters worse, im talking to my friends. like what you did when we werent suppose to share it around. and what exactly are you doing is really helping the situation?

i never thought nor said that i thought you were a mindreader. and i dont expect you to be. and i dont care if you dont know what im thinking, not like you care anyway.

and if this is it, and this is how you're going to be, im not sure if i want to be around anymore.


from making me really upset, you're starting to just make me angry, you're affecting others negatively that arent intimate involved and thats not going to happen or continue. by the way, the only people who are involved are me and you. no one else.

i never told anyone to say anything to you. so you can stop trying to blame what everyone says onto me. because i didnt do anything. so grow up. and perhaps be a single person, because i only know of one of you; no two faced stuff.

--in reply

i dont know what to say. what i dont want to do, my body did against my will, like a reflex to protect myself even when my mind says its ok, my heart just wont let it down.

whether you know it or not.. ive been hurt so much through trusting my friends. and i guess this time really went through and stabbed my unprotected bare heart.

i dont like to be rebellious with my friends, i dont like hurting my friends for my own benefit. ever. i dont like seeing my friends getting the poorer option to a problem, so i pile it all on myself and make myself get over it.

this time its like nothing matters. im quite literally l o s t. i nothing is going through my head. im not doing anything in school.. and i get really irritated and blow like i bottled up for years every time someone asks how i am, or hows life. i cant listen to slow music without tearing. i just cant believe all this will happen again. and this time with someone i thought was on the inside. that i trusted with all my heart.

i dont blame you. for what your heart feels. but its not about anyone else but me and you. i want you to know that, and remember it. ive said it before, but i dont think you remember.

and i couldnt care about your imperfections enough, no human is. you are special to me also. though my body may show little of it. i know that i still love you, i still cant do anything thats considered mean to you. i choose to nothing at all instead.

i dont ask for you to solve my problems, i never ask anyone to, neither do i let them. you didnt loose me. im still here when you need me just as it always was. its just that i dont know how i can trust you anymore. i know how harsh that sounds and i feel bad for even thinking it. but it really did a number to me.

i really dont know how this will end up to be. but i cant stop the tears falling from my eyes from all this. it takes so much from me to push this to the side and see you as how i did before, i have. that night going to staples. i pushed it all aside. whether you felt it or not. i still loved you through it all. i was scared running along that track in the dark, rain and fog. if anything unfortunate would happen to you... i held onto you with my heart. but just something i want to say, only because thats how it feels, you ended up loosing me, but i dont think you regret it. im sick of having people not caring about how i feel, hurting and apologizing knowing i'd give in. but i reassure you, you havent lost me yet. if i can still love you like the other night walking to staples.

not saying anything in particular, but some times you have to sacrifice to fix things. some things just dont work together. im not pointing at anything in particular, but i think its something you have to keep in mind. and as a question. how are you attempting to patch things?

you're reaching for my hand. im s c a r e d to give you my hand. you didnt want to hurt me, a lot of things we dont want..., but you already did.

to answer your question; what to do. im not here to tell you what to do, you know me better than this, you know i dont tell people to do things. not for my benefit.

what happened to us. we lost t r u s t.

why is it hard. its hard because of me. it hurt me more than you, and i havent gotten over/healed from it yet.

we use to be close. you use to be there without a doubt that you'd hurt me.

our friendship never had any problems, we never had anything big, we never had to deal with anything, and thats why we dont know what to do now.

why are you sorry you're human. am i not human myself?
weakness, so i have my own. im really weak behind all you see.
"i'm sorry if i'm not who you thought i was." -- i thought you were my friend. i dont know if its changed.

if i can forgive you. you know my answer, who hasnt i forgiven? and why wouldnt i forgive you sister?

im not running from you. i just cant say anything to hurt you, or make you feel bad. it'll only hurt me back. i mite not be fine. but i will be.

what i have done for you doesnt matter. i made a commitment as your friend. i expect myself to do that for you from the bottom of my heart.

--im sorry im taking so long. it came with a warning but i denied it, refusing to prepare myself.

and im sorry that this post even taken so long, might not make much sense, i havent been able to put words to how i feel. im sorry. im saying sorry now, but im going to make it into actions when i can, as words dont mean anything as it was placed as an example during all this.

you say you love me, and that im your sister, im not doubting, but neither am i seeing.

remember my number, 16, and why i chose it, it stands for love and second chance. i value love, love in friendship. and second chances, i've given. and i'll give it again, but right now, im scared to.

88, 8, being an endless number. but the numbers change themselves. what if you changed back to being 12? or i just give up love and second chances? nothing can be forever within our world. unless its with God. i've almost given up in a lot of things.. forever might just be one of them...

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Lord Heavenly Father God.. i've drifted again, i need discipline from you. draw me back in, revive me.
You're the one that i trust and look to when everything else fails me, as You're the only one that is always there to catch me when i fall.
Father, im falling, and i just cant hold on to that vine, catch me.
im like a baby reaching up to you, for you to lift me up from everything. a
ive give myself up, for you to lift me up. and take control.

seeing the world again with open eyes

i've grown toward God so much these 2 months.. and im so happy about it, i feel more alive almost..
anyway.. to explain the title of this post.. "seeing the world again with open eyes" well its because of judgment.. im not exactly the one that would be considered good at making first impressions.. and i know that most people, as a natural thing to do is just see a new person and stamp them as something when you dont even know them.. and i guess i just grew to get really sick of that.. so pretty much i just sorta ripped up all the judgment stickers that i've stuck on people and got to know people, which explains why ive been hanging out with a lot of different people, or just having some time to talk to people..
and i found that the people who i thought werent such awesome people, are. it feels so good that i have more friends almost, and more people to talk to, and to me, there's nothing wrong with that.. i learned to overlook what people often dislike about them.
just over this experiment? im not sure if thats a good word to describe it.. but after getting to know new people, i just found that just because i have so many sisterly best friends, i cant say that i really really know them anymore... and i just want to catch up.. with everyone.


ok this post was pretty sad.. i cant get much of how i felt out at all.. so if you read this.. erm.. srry for wasting your dear time.. : P

so this is why

for the last situation that happened, friendship vs. relationship was challenged, and unfortunately relationship won. i was lucky enough to be put in the least unfortunate spot in the roles in the situation.. i was hurt . confused . and just stressed through the whole time the problem was on.. during the whole time, i was constantly asking God why it was happening, and especially, why me?

so it was just last night when i think my question was answered.. i was put in almost the same situation again.. and this time, my role was the one with more choices, i could be selfish but happy, or use what i learned from my last experience.. and feel a bit unsatisfied but feel that i have done something good. and thats what i choose, i chose to feel slightly unsatisfied, but feel that i did the right thing to protect my friend's feelings as best as i can..

i just pray that i am going to be able to pull it through, i know its not going to be easy.. and since im havent had the time to fully recover from the last thing.. its just going to be that much harder.. and thats where i pray to God that he'd be there to guide me through, doing what's rite.

videos

i do suggest you watch it, good and short : )

This is the Truth ;;
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pZZI_coePtc

Skit/dance;;
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=139f9c4c0036b123ee12

The Dash;;
http://www.simpletruths.com/dash/index.html

imu mommy+auntie wenda

mommy's almost coming home! well thats what i heard from my aunt last nite(sept29th...) and wow.. so much to take in under fifteen minutes..

i was talking to my aunt in hong kong through webcam.. my aunt has cancer for the second time, final stage, limited time on earth, chemo.. seeing her just broke my heart... i missed her so much.. and she looked so weak and so sick.. she says she's feeling better, but not even comparable from the last time i've seen her in person... so i asked the dumb question.. "how are you feeling?" she struggled answering me.. and she just showed me her hands... aged.. and nails turned blueblack.. it just broke my heart seeing her like this... she was always the one who had it altogether.. and always happy..
then she asked me.. "have you been praying for me?" --i answered yes.. and she just doubted.. and asked again.. i insured her that i have [cause i have] so then she asked.. "then why isnt it working?" --i just didnt have the guts to say.. not to her.. not on webcam.. what i think i should of said.. i ended up mumbling and not answering at all.. i wasnt ready for that question.. she repeatedly asked again.. and still i didnt know how i can say it.. or anything for that matter.. i wasnt prepared..

then the conversation pretty much ended.. no one was talking.. no one knew what else to say.. then i asked where mom was.. she didnt answer me.. but she asked me.. "does your mom go to church back in canada?" i wasnt expecting that question.. and neither was i able to predict what she was going to say.. i said.. yea.. sometimes.. and thats when she said.. well, she changed a lot.. she woke up early and went to church today.. so she's not here.. i was really surprised.. and worried too.. she doesnt normally go.. so i was just surprised.. and if she was going.. something really big must be bothering her a lot.. i miss her so much. <3


God give me the wisdom to tell her the right things.. <3

confushionn

im really confused...
of our relationship.
are we friends anymore?
if we are, what's the definition for our friendship..?
because i dont see it, feel it..
everything that happens feels awkward, or its done coldly, or no feeling at all..

this feels like a lie. or some kind of pity act... im not sure..

im not sure if im the only one that still has this thing burned into my head... and its next to all i think about..
you think we're ok..
how is it ok? we never solved it.. we waited it out..
and i guess you find it ok because in the situation, you didnt loose as much as i did.
you didnt get as hurt as i did..

if you want to leave it as is. its fine. but waiting it out isnt the best way i know.
but if we talk about it, is it going to end up being a fight?
i dont want to fight. not with you.

as people say.. --what's the deal?

i miss you, the old you.

dangg.
cant believe it. best friends. to almost worst enemies.
not said. but its known.
you said a lot of things that you didnt mean. i meant everything i said, and i expected the same from you. it was a serious thing, and there was no joking involved.

i dont know what to think of you anymore.

i miss you, the old you.

spare me

its bothering me that we, me at least, cant stop thinking of the situation every slight thing that can possibly relate to the people involved. i dont like that we arent comfortable with each other anymore. i dont like how we cant talk to each other without feeling awkward. or only one word responses. everything seems to be bluer than it actually is. this is all im thinking of. it hurts more than it should b e c a u s e it has something to do with you.. i've known you forever. i trusted you, and thats why it hurts just that much more.

it feels like you're being a hypocrite. or you just dont care about my feelings.
i wouldnt of done the things you did, just because i wouldnt even spare that little bit of chance that it would hurt you.
i want to spend time with you. but every time we do. either me or you will get into a bad mood. its mostly me tho...

i dont know what to do. but to say that i know you're further than me, you've got a better chance. and because of that it feels like you arent caring about how you're hurting me on the way.
i just wish we can go back to how it was, and i wish that you would spare me.

show me

actions are stronger then words.
and its true

dont tell me that you love you if you dont even say hi to me when i arrive but you say hi to everyone else

i'd rather you never say that you love me, or you're my friend.
i'll understand once you show me.


--to who i think are my sisters and bestfriends. {TG}

timmy girls

arent being the sisters/best friends that they're suppose to be.
thanks for the looks guys.
or thanks for just plain ignoring me.

give it a think && appreicate everyone

alfred. died on his 18th birthday. run over by a car backing out in a parking lot

i dont know this guy. and neither did my friend that told me about it. this guy was only friend of a few friends.. though neither me nor the one that told me actually know him, it still touched us and made us unhappy and at least changed the mood that day.
i found out when she was talking on the phone with me.. and asked me what i would do to tell her friend that doesnt know about this tragedy yet. i tried so hard to comfort her and give her some type of advice.. but i was blank.. all i had was.. pray. and GOD can help you and your friend.

while all this, i was also trying to reply posts on the very popular facebook. and on the left of the post box, there was this really popular appliciation -- the "Top Friends" application. it really got me thinking. that application's main function is to prove that you favor certain people, and who they are. and i thought.. i really dont think that a list like that could possibly hold all the people that have made a positive influence in one's life.. its one way to exclude..

then i thought back to my conversation.

i think that it would break down my world so much if any of my friends, even people who would be on my "Top Friends" list, just left me one day. doesnt matter how close we were. they made a difference in my life for the better.

and this qoute came to my mind: "people walk in and out of your life.. but friends leave footprints in your heart" i'm sure you've heard of it.. but just think it through again..

RIP ALFRED

2nd softball practice

sunday.june10.o7 was my second one.. ^^
the few of us (omega order xD) crystal, cavina, ankie, agnes went in wesssW's car.. and we went through mcdilly's drive thru.. mcflurries! + root beer.. mmmmmmm
when we got there, there were barely anyone their.. but then we all got "VP" time.. batting practice... i think... = / everyone got to practice batting! =DD i learned how to batt! yes.. very happy with myself.. tho im not good .. but i know what ur basically suppose to do.. ^^
&& guess what??? --NO INJURIES!
anyway.. later we split into twoo practice groups... around eiiight people each.. but omegaa's side sorta deteriorated if you ask me.. but at the end it was pretty okies.. later nelson drove us (same list) home.. yes.. ROAD TRIP TO BOONIE LAND! i think we scared my neighbors the amount we were yelling.. ==" but its all ok! xD but before road trip.. we had another trip to mcdillies.. for 2 chicken wraps + med fries, and twoo mcchicken combos.. why i remember the order i'll never know... o_O.. but yes.. we chugged the iced tea and got a refill! xD too azn.. and yes.. then off the boonie land! .. .. the end. =)

first softball practice

[super extremely delayed post]

may27.o7 would be the first softball practice i've gone to this year. first i knew there was a practice that day.. got all my stuff, but didnt ask my dad, afraid to hear his response. so i stalled and asked him almost right before we were suppose to head home.. but the point is -- i got to go!! =DD after to celebrate, agnes and i made nelson drive us to get food.. at wendy's! mmmm... when we got back.. we got ray to drive us to the park we were practicing at; maryvale. it was quite a practice.. i learned much.. like the 90 degrees thing that we did with our legs to catch grounders.
accidents.. i got a cut on the knee for kneeling my knee on the gravel.. didnt think it would cut through so much... then i got hit with a flying softball on my hip.. but it didnt hurt. ^^ but the serious injury of the day was cavina! she was apparently playing with her hand and a high ball hit her right on the head. ><" ouchh.. other memos.. katy the photographer! she came but refused to play.. so now she's our number one fan and photographer! awesome-nessss =)

this was sorta short.. but still..

day two of disaster

i really dont know how to cope with all this anymore.. i have no support from anywhere. I dont have time to rest and think anything through.. everything is hitting me at the speed of light.

i dont even want to hear anything. i need to get away.. but i dont have the place to go.. neither do i have the time.

the best i can do is put my head phones and blow the music.. so loud that i just cant hear anything. not even my thoughts.. hurts the ears it seems.. but really.. it seems pretty calming at the moment. im so stressed and bottled up i just want to cry.. but those tears wont even fall.. or it falls uncontrolablely.

this is havoc with my head i cant think i cant hear anything. my ears feel like their going to explode, and at times i cant breathe.. my vision starts to blur, there's a clench in my chest and i feel like im just about to pass out, which at that moment seems pretty pleasant; i'd rather feel nothing at all.

i start to question if im slightly insane...

i really need the summer to come fast.. so at least i have a load off my mind; school. but not including that i still have a lot to deal with..

hardest thing is to put up that smile everyday, i dont want others to worry, makes me feel guilty, why bother others with your problems? no one really understands, simply because they arent you. only God understands me.. but its like he isnt here for me. and what i believe, everyone has their own unique set of fingerprints, different than everyone else’s; showing that we’re all different people, different people live different lives, and everyone has to get through things on their own. im not sure how i can link them in words.. but somehow i have them linked in my head..

if only these tears can wash away all the pain...

-- need to get away.. and im getting desperate…

i really dont know how to cope with all this anymore.. i have no support from anywhere. I dont have time to rest and think anything through.. everything is hitting me at the speed of light.

i dont even want to hear anything. i need to get away.. but i dont have the place to go.. neither do i have the time.

the best i can do is put my head phones and blow the music.. so loud that i just cant hear anything. not even my thoughts.. hurts the ears it seems.. but really.. it seems pretty calming at the moment. im so stressed and bottled up i just want to cry.. but those tears wont even fall..

i really need the summer to come fast.. so at least i have a load off my mind; school. but not including that i still have a lot to deal with..

hardest thing is to put up that smile everyday, i dont want others to worry, makes me feel guilty, why bother others with your problems? no one really understands, simply because they arent you. only God understands me.. but its like he isnt here for me. and what i believe, everyone has their own unique set of fingerprints, different than everyone else’s; showing that we’re all different people, different people live different lives, and everyone has to get through things on their own. im not sure how i can link them in words.. but somehow i have them linked in my head..

-- need to get away.. and im getting desperate…

deeply . truely [P.U.S.H]

i hate how this family can never get into argument without threatening each other. insulting each other. i don’t like how we get into arguments all the time in the first place.. i really don’t know how much i can take of this, i don’t have a say yet.. because im “too young” and because it’s an adults thing not for kids to interferer with.. i don’t know.. i sorta don’t agree with it, because i am majoring affected in the outcome.. i just want the family to be able to be happy and be able to talk to each other, like a typical family -- thats my ulitimate wish.. =)
i would so dearly want this family to stay together.. its beyond words can tell...


[to all readers (?) if u read that .. srry. just sudden.. its like.. a middle of a story.. that i dont want to finish.]

i don’t know how im suppose to feel..

what am I suppose to do?

without loosing the little that I have left…

could those memories not scare me to keep trying…

if I tried.. would I fail again?

would I fall so hard..again?

would my past come haunt me again?

how much would this ruin me getting through this..

what have I done to get all this,

what would of prevented this?

is there something that could prevent this?

is it my fault…

how many more chances will I have to give this?

how happy would I be after this..

and how long will it last..

when will the next time be, the next time actually i can smile with my heart...

why is it that whatever the situation, ignoring how much i was hurt, i will always be the one to give in first, i can't stand someone mad at me, and i can never stay mad at someone for long. whether you're right and im wrong, or vice versa, im always willing to do the apologizing. Ive been told, that, thats how you get hurt more easily... but what can i say... its just what i do...

i do it knowing that i'll get hurt. But i still do it anyway, to find that little joy

instead of grudge the whole way... i strive for peace, and a smile,

... even if it's only a little bit...

-Crystalkong

my happy(???) birthday!

wasnt really going to do anything for my birthday.. but within a week or so of my birthday my mom lets me do something. -_- so i obviously email a few people to see if they'd come... and do something.. really unorganized and even more rushed..

ended up that i didnt send out the emails to EVERYONE.. but just a few. -_- (see? never rush me..) so at the end.. cavina and mary was the only ones that came.. which was better than no one!

so the plan was my house. stc. gym nite.. days passed and it was just stc.gym nite.
that day. it ended up.. mary having voluntary work in the morning and too much hw at nite...
so it ended up with me and vina for the first few hrs.. we had dim-sum!

later we went to STC to pick up mary.. and went to some outlet thing.. that had nothing good at all.. -_- waste of time...

went to food basics and took pics with peanuts. chocolate chips. and candles.. ^^

STC at last.. running around so we can get more accomplished.. we went and shopped here and there.. got stuff from bluenotes and had a JUMBO granny apple bubble tea.. *yummers*
and sushii -- man.. that killed my wallet.. it was around 4 at that time.. and i called my dad to pick us up at 6 to bring us to gym nite..

after we ran around a bit more.. nearing 6 we were buying pretzels, and i got a hazel nut smoothiee... =D after 6.. by a lot.. we were at the pic booths.. stuffing the coins down the hatch.. only having it not work and running away without getting the pics taken...

outside and finally ready to go at 6:35.. only to find that my dad was no where to be seen..
so we sat on the steps in front of the theatres.. with our hoods up, huddling.. and nibbling away at pretzels.. --fully looking like hobos as mary said.. so we sat there eating.. and taking hobo pictures..

minutes passed and still no sign of dad. we called him and there was no answer.. starting to worry and get really bored and tired.. we called people that would give us a lift... only to disappoint ourselves, with next to no one answering.. funny thing is that everyone called back after.. when i found out that my dad went to gym nite without us. -_-

apparently he was there at 6.. and waited for 20 minutes, walked into the theatres & old navy looking for us.. so he left.

we called mary's rents and got a ride to her house.. vina got picked up from there, and i, i waited til dad was done at gym nite to come and pick me up... fully missed gym nite, to sit in front of the theatres...

it was a really fun day.. just cant say that it ended with a bang.. but more like a fart. = /

loosing track of school

i've been really loosing track of school. i was really motivated around last report card time.. and not just for obvious reasons, as in getting a higher mark.. i was just motivated to work..
then nearing march break was when i was starting to get really sick of school, dragging myself through each day, and constantly having my eyes glued to the clocks.
march break, was such a release.. it was awesome..
then back to school. it was average.. not dragging myself through, but not really motivated to give it my best effort.
and. now.
my aunt&&uncle came over and is staying at my house for twoo to threee weeks. what a distraction. i dont have much time doing anything that i want, im busy helping her out.. and not leaving her there with nothing to do.. and when my mom's there to keep her busy, its most likely really loud and really late. then the thing with her and coming into my room to see what im doing.. and such. since they dont come here, to canada, so much, we had family dinners, my fam, cuzins+fam, and aunt&&uncle. and since my uncle came as a business trip, he was busy until fairly late before we can all meet out and have dinner together, so i eat late, and i go out late, and for sure, come home late.
my homework is sloppy, sheets are just put in the binder and not clipped in. english novel not read. projects get finished slowly. and i can just feel my marks flying down..
funny. i was trying to get my marks up too. -_-

motivation --comee to meee

thoughts

so i lied when a few people asked if i was alright.. was it that obvious that i was thinking about something?

well so there is something bothering me. its just.. im next to invisible. im not like trying to get attention or anything, but really, im like invisible.
everywhere i go. where ever i am. home. school. church. seems like im still somewhat invisible.
i dont want to mention names but really, always looking for me when you dont want to feel lonely or have no one to talk to, i always talk to you, and i wont ditch you when someone else shows up. But you do. all the time, and not only... when i talk to you, you ignore me, and not like u dont know im there, i'm tapping ur shoulder. and if anything like that happens to you? you get into a fit or you start hitting them until they reply to you. is it... you have to be all mean to get what you want?
at home, im expected to listen to people talk, but not like they listen to me.. so thats a good thing about siblings... you have someone that isnt an adult and doesnt get anything, to listen to you..
at school. me and my friends dont get along too well anymore.. not really.. they always go DT and sleep over at my friends condo.. not like im allowed.. they go to MTV (or something along those lines) and be live audience, not like im allowed to go like that alone without a parent, i cant afford paying 70 dollars to go see a concert.. so i miss out a lot.. and they dont talk to me as much.. and they ignore me a bit.. and i disappear...
church.. there are so many peoples... hugs the moment they are within sight. groupie apparently call and get together outside church.. i apparently wasnt contacted. is it because i live far? not like i dont know how to bus. and im always the one cut off either talking or walking.. and i recall someone saying that you can only be left out if you dont participate. i really dont agree. what if they tried, but then they were cut off continuously? they were ignored.

its a good thing that i experience it i guess, i know how it feels and i know not to do it.. but still.. its everywhere, and its sorta getting harder to push back and ignore.. eventually the bottle will fill..

[hope no one really comes here and reads.. im once again all lonely and want to talk to someone.. or just talk. teddy seems to weird.. starring at me...><]

tc -day 2

♪♪♪

day 2 was a lot better. a few of us all of a sudden had all this energy.. especially mike in my opinion. we spent most, next to all, of our interaction time making, revising, fixing, and adding to our team cheer, that started really really bad. no exaggerations.

&&we finally won a game.. twoo actually! we won the brick one.. and dominic kept stepping on my foot instead the brick. -_- *ouchiess* it really hurt --he weighs a tonn. >= l and i fully forget the other game that we won. o_O ‘think it might have been the one with the cups and elastics..

we got a bit closer and wasn’t as uncomfortable and awkward as day 1.. but we didn’t play many games. [onee.game to be exact] perhaps that’s why we didn’t know each other very well? = T

i was pretty amazed that i still had that much energy in me.. dozing off a bit from time to time..

first day i broke down to tears.. today.. mary did.. HA! we evennn♪ xD yea.. randoms.. just thought i’d says..

at lunch.. so jokes.. the david table for one is never called. but that doesn’t matter.. cause there is next to no one present at our table. -_- i ran off visiting my et peeps.. and spending time with maryyy[!!!] and her team.. HO! HO! HOSEA! i ran with there flag.. and took team/group pics with them.. xDD

MARRY;; charold..[???still fully lost on that..] aka ryan. --what is it again??

so i know the cheer now!;;

bang bang david king!

come on team, lets do this thing!

we’re on fire in sun or rain!

lets shout for david king!

[goliath was killed with a sling!]

--somthingg like thattt ><”

.. this post was really unorganized and had little bits of everything in everywhere.. that prob means that I need sleep.. but still got some energy left in me! --sorta.. so hottt, so hott♪.. :p [stuck in my head so bad ><”]

♪ ♪ ♪ “so hott . so hott!” --originated in team benjamin’s team cap jt. ♪ ♪ ♪

tc -day 1

started the day at an early 6:30am.
got ready. got my stuff. out the door by 7?
supposedly going a bit earlier to get something to eat.. nope. didnt happen --TRAFFICC << stickies ="D" size="3">mary isnt in my group when it was requested.. i was in NO one's group. -_- i in team DAVID!!! ♪♪ bang bang david king.. somthing somthing somthing [i'll fill this in 2morrows...] ♪♪
so i didnt know anyone on my team. and i was hoping that it'd make up if the team was like amazingly energetic and exciting&outgoing.
i wish
quietest group everrr. and we didnt talk very much.. lost at nearly all the games. it was just sad. disappointing.
last half of the day i descided to just go hyper... well.. not my usual energy.. but a fraction of it.. instead of looking like everyone else --dead.
it was slightly embarrassing cause i would, from time to time, be the only one hollering. -_-
the end message. was touching.. i cried. ><" and mary caught me at it. [and not like she was in the same row or anything.. she wasnt even on my team...] -_-. so i was bottled up from a lot of things.. and once a bit of me got weak.. it poured down like rain.. and there was quite some awkward moments there.. and i just had mini weird spazz-ums along the way the whole night..
--day 1. out of all the tc's i've been to.. this has been the least enjoyable. :(

hopefully day 2 will be much better... *fingers crossed!*

but why is it that whenever there's something that i am happily looking towards, its ruined by a problem, or makes me not look forward to it anymore.
discourages hopes
break dreams
-makes me look forward to anything. leaving life as dull and negative as ever.

where's a hug when you need it most. someone to accompany when you need it most.
i just want to go home. but i dont even know where home is...

mowat flood

early in the morning.. i wake up dreading to go to school.. heard that there would be a big snow storm type thing around 3.. and i didnt exactly feel like walking home in it..

arrive at school.. abnormally crowded for that time.. i still had no idea what was happening.. then i found that it was a late start.. so i was like.. ok.. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR AN HR?!?

went to my locker. then my friends to see if she got to school yet.. found out thenn that the school flooded.. all of first floor, and around the stairways upstairs.. so then when my my girls finally rolled into the school i told them bout the flood.. and they decided to go home.. i stuck around a bit longer.. and figured.. by the looks of it.. they weren't going to get all that water in 30 mins.. so i took a hike home..

found out that school was out the whole day..
also found out.. it was a pipe in the dark room that burst.. and all of first floor got flooded.. damages around $500 000 by one person, and $100 000 by another.. *shruggs*
WE MITE HAVE TO HAVE PORTABLES AGAIN! ='''( *nooooo!

and school resumes on monday.. slim slim slim chances of school not resuming...


check it --http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_8360.aspx

auto show

early in the morning... as everyone else had a late start 1o... i had to be in the cafe at 9:20am. made it 3 minutes late. oppiess...

after attendance me.court&methura walkedd to the GO train station.. &&it wasnt a great idea to wear light jeans -_-. so muddy on the way ><". laughing the whole way there.. used up so much of my energy.. =p

after buying the GO train tickets, stood in the cold and was seeing who else was going.. finally, eventually we got on the GO.. once again.. laughingg and methura.. going on with her weirdness.. wow... the GO train is slow! -_- ok methura. ok.

there.. got off at union station. and walked. passed east side marios. simcoe st. hot dogs stands.. finally got there.. and we got some national post thing.. o_O..

after getting our tickets.. and getting in.. we found.. *drum rolll* LOCKERS . life saverss.. winter jackets.. such a pain. so we all shared a locker.. and running along.. jelani stuffed his jacket in with ours.. so he went with us. the whole trip.

i really didnt think it was that big.. but it was. so big.. so much walking. it had.. a north.south hall.. convention centre. and roger centre.. got lost for so long.. but saw some pretty cars..

poster givaways.. and i got a free paintball session! =DDD btw.. anyone wanna go???

so around and around.. sitting in cars to rest.. and my fave seat.. the circler thing.. xDD someone asked for a picture when i was in that.... o_O

thenn.. shuttle back.. ran up and down.. up and down.. and once more up and down trying to find where we came in.. we went outside.. and jelani said that we had to go to the centre beside.. huge jump.. i didnt even jump and i fell. -___- but i made the jump! = T

yea then we rann to the union station so we wont have to wait for the next train.. we were allowed to leave whenever.. lots of ppl left already. and even more ppl were still at the auto show..

got back... ate cheerioss =))) and.. got our GO tickets checked.. i was so scared.. i thought i dropped mine.. thatt would suckkk..

back at home.. pants wet all over again.. hungry.. exaustedd..

music vid

jtkt vid--

music --i'll make a man out of you ~mulan
involved --Crystal.Jenn.Cavina.Katie.Katy.Timmy.Rici&&Jordan

all this. concludes in one thing --embarrassment.

premier.. with technical difficulties --lagg.. that makes the whole thing make no sense. it was full laughter.. no one was really listening but was just laughing at the ridiculous-ness of us on that wall..

running into the washroom
making constipation sounds
me having to reach for jenn's "jewels" --NOT my idea.. .. who's was it..????
passing toilet paper
rici - running?
me - crying.. -_-
cavina - cutting gym
jenn - getting "scared to death"
jordan - "seeing through"
katie - learning to swim
being a tree in a forest
fire and hosed down by jenn
the "be a man" popping-up-from-the-pews scene
running from "time" aka rici

so embarrassing. but hilarious =)

DF last nite

first DF in a long while now.. at least it feels like it.. so i got home.. ate and did some work.. 'rents not home so i called dad to tell him im going to DF.. not surprising answer.. it was no. i obviously go on and on with reasons why i should go.. and yayyy he was in a rush so he was like.. fine fine.. ya ya.. i g2g. yussssss! =DD so yea.. i went to get my jacket and before i knew it i was out the door.. almost at the stop.. i remembered that i left my MONEY at home. -__- so i ran back to retrieve money... and i saw kiko!! =) so then i walked back to the stop and waited around 15 long and cold minutes.. and this guy was starring at me.. o_O scary.. then yeps.. bussed.. so tired.. trying so hard to stay awake.. pretty sure that if i fell asleep... i'd miss my stop.. =P it was so cold tho.. sneezed twice.. =P yes i remember these things.. by the time i got there i couldnt feel my legs at all.. but yea. i was half an hour late.. oopiesss! xD
worship. good jobs jenns&haileys! =) and liked the new songs.. =D
games. i didnt get the first game so much.. didnt like it too much either.. its weirdd.. but it was okies =) and the number thing.. srry johnL and WesL for the hit.. =P solliess! *hug*
and bible study.. smiiile! - ing is COOL. xD and quite a discussion.. and jont wasnt there.. too uncool.. =P
then.. the hazardous hugs before i left.. killed my healing ankle.. oh yay. -__- *shakes fisttt*
ehh.. oh well.. nice to get out.. =)

frozen crab

the more reasons to nott like my science crab/teacher..
so my science teacher decides that the book report is now nott in the upcoming report card.. uhh.. what is there to boost our grades then? --and i did really good on the book report.

monday . feb . 5 . o7

what a day what a day... its one of those mondays..

woke up slightly late. froze while i was still in the house so i had.. dora the explorer tomato soup stuff.. yes. doraa! yea.. and i think i burned my tongue -_-.
a long .cold . &slipper walk to school.. almost made it to sci class late..
positive-ness! ~ tech class, we were ahead so we watched spidermannn =)
after lunch... i was told it was a day 2.. NO.. it was day 4
so i went to gym.. got changed.. and got changed.. .. why did i believe sally that it was day 2?
no idea. i just did.. at least she was with me.. but yea.. so we put our clothes on top of our gym stuff and ran to our class.. late obviously...
made angel layer cake... horrible.. did not turn out.. did not turn out..
gym.. got hit with a basketball twice..

what a dayyyy.. ><"

crawls in a hole and hidesss..

scared . scared . scared . scared . scared

why can't i everr.. everr. everr say no? to those type of questions.. i just dont answer.. i act as if i didnt get it or something.. and its really scaring me.. and .. .. .. helpppp... ..

this is where i want to crawl in a hole and .. hide there foreverr and everrr.. and everrrrrr




btw thx michelle....

part two e.xa.m.s

another rant post regarding e.x.a.m.s ...

too much work!

2 more exams coming up.. and its suppose to be moratorium, but i dont think the teachers get it.. homework . homework . homework . i have 3 science projects due in the beginning of february and a science test on everything we've done so far.. thats like another exam.. and a math test right when we get back from exams.

busy busy busy busy

--i dont like school >_<

e.x.a.m.s.

exams.. the 5 letter word that you hate to hear.. well, that's for me..
but im glad that i only have 3 this term, sucks to be a niner.. with .. most likely more.
so here comes the exams, or the remainder.. jan 29th, feb1st
and i just hate loosing time with friends, to studying..
this better pay off..
e.x.a.m.s
hate that word. hate those letters. in that order. exams can go die in a hole.

can't wait til after thisss

[... now it's about making through each day...]

so the boonies isn’t as safe as it use to be.. around half a year ago? someone broke into our van and trashed it… change was taken, and a set of walkie talkies… now.. someone breaks in again, this finding nothing … as smart as this thief is, he left HIS keys --on the dashboard. i know that he has a honda, a few safe’s.. some a GNC gold card thing… it better not have anything to do with the new neighbors…

two days before my civics exam, and my teacher teaches us material that is on the exam. two days before the exam, as other teacher taught it in october, turns out that our teacher is way far behind, or at least further than i expect… and two days before she tells us what’s on the exam. just wondering how i’ll do.. *rolls eyes* *shakes fist as sjouwerman*

wow.. how many more cuts and scraps? bruises on both my knees.. big and purple-iee..

matt.c how much i despise him.. yet he’s always there.. in my face.. ran behind me and pretty much body checked me into paul. -_- i hate being small.. >= l then there’s amber today.. my very gentle friend.. ran me over.. hm.. more like gave me a big hug.. and dragged me off to her class.. and crashed me into a locker.. -_- lost some skin on my elbow thxx to herrr..

after school, i went to sally’s house, shortened day, 1PM dismissal =) buss-ieed. sally . alyssa . yeyoung&&iii~ we sang singstar… aww, so funn! ~singstar . fuzz ball . just talking about our childhood.&&studying. four hours of time with my friends. it was great. =)))

there’s my happy story of the week… i don’t look forward to anything anymore.. no more DF on fridays for a bit… never doing much on saturdays.. && with problems at church, i don’t like too forward to that either..

[... now it's about making through each day...]

note...

what’s happening.. i was really glad that everything was happy, a short while ago.. little problems, less to stress over.

as for now, everything is coming back up again.. ><”

and no, i do not, not want to hang out with the tgirls. (do not, not –double negativee) i want to hang out with them, i just want to be able to hang out with other people as well, and not like im restricted.. or having to hang out with other people but feeling guilty, having those looks to deal with..

[[note to the tgirls, if u still come here..]]

i've missed you guys on sunday.. didn't talk much, if at all.. and we definitely didn't do anything together...

one thing that makes me cry… when i hit a point that i have so much confusion around me, feel like i don’t have a place that i really belong and feel safe and happy in, feel lost, alone, and disowned.. those three short words really make me cry.. especially when its from someone that i haven’t exactly heard it from in so long.. almost too long.

So this happens today.. i was in a way anxious to go to church today.. i looked so forward to it during the week.. with a little bit of discouragement along the way.. but still.. i was wanting to go to church.. so i was there. at church. not knowing what to think of feel. then the slightest sign of the arrival.. i felt like i was slowly disappearing.. and from then on, i just lost all feelings and all the confusion.. all the questions that has been floating around in my mind just emerge..

all the time, i always look forward to going to church.. its what i look forward to during the week.. but once i’m there, around half way through.. i just want to go home.. i ran away from the loneliness at home to go to church, and then i run home away from the loneliness at church.. so in a way, my life’s a circle.. going no where..

goals in life.. and my profession later on, what im going to be.. i’ve been thinking about, and asked about from parents. at the moment. goal; profession; future.. in a way scares me.. im not looking forward to future, yet i can’t wait until the upcoming weekend. so if you’re a reader… and have read past posts.. I’m not doing so ‘excellent’ in school.. stressing over everything, and trying to run away from it all.. so looking into the future and what i want to be, sorta depends on what and how im doing now.. and all the confusion and questions in between only blurs the whole ‘plan’ or ‘idea’ of my goal in profession later on..

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so my problems… are things that are on my mind.. there are so many, and some that are so hard to be put in words.. but things that i ponder, day after day.. but for now.. i will go on about how i love the snow..

Snow.. falling and after

while it snows, i like to look up into the sky or to just focus on one one snowflake.. and follow it down with my eyes.. and its like, a pure angel falling out of the heavens and covering the dirty streets and making it look all new, and beautiful.. but then the pure angel snow flakes are later on squished into the mud.. and turn all brown.. and.. un-pure. its almost like, they came down, to make everything good for that short time that its there, before it gets taken over, or ruined by the dirtiness…

when the snow has stopped falling, and no cars have driven by to make tracks.. sitting there, looking out to a white winter scene.. its all still, like a picture, but more beautiful than the most beautiful painted winter scene. almost like time has frozen, and there is no life.. so calming.. so silent. always have that temptation to run up and dance around.. fall down, and look up at the white sky. and at that moment, you just want to stay there forever..

so that’s my little.. thing on snow.. yea.. as i was writing this.. i was starring out the window.. staring at this tree that’s in my neighbors yard.. watched that tree grow.. =]

saturday . january . 13 . 2oo7

started my day early, went to my cousin’s house, and pretty much babysat the whole day, having a kid pull at your hand as you’re on msn for those three minutes until they shut the computer down for you.. or having them yell in your ear and find it hilarious.. -_-

from 2 -3, i took them to their chinese class, yipeee! seriously.. i got time to just.. rest. then i picked them up.. and once again just babysat to around 6:45 pm, then we went to centennial skating rink, haven’t been there in a long time.. years. i was in a way looking forward, but slightly scared, it would be my first time in 3 years skating. i didn’t remember much, and my skates.. my aunt’s skates, didn’t fit too well, but it was the closest thing i had. bit too small, so i took my cousin, pretty much taught her how to skate.. later i got to go on my own, skating, around, and around, and around..

these 3 little kids, hockey kids, were so cute, but annoying.. they followed me around, then started to cut around in front me.. and i’m not that good a skater.. and it doesn’t help that i haven’t skated in 3 years, and my skates not fitting comfortably.. im guessing that they were tring to make me fall, and eventually, it worked.. i fell.. and scrapped my hand.. *ouchieees*

after we went out to dindin [dinner], keung kee, my cousins apparently like that place.. so we went, had din, and left for h.o.m.e.

the moment i got home, i took a shower, and was asleep within an hour that i got home..

Anonymous said...

Hey,

I would not say that it is your first time 'flying out of the nest', because you are typically always around other people (not the Timothy Girls). However I do not really find a problem in that. Maybe you are just looking at the Timothy Girls in a different perspective than before?

PS: congratulations on your 'new' group of 'friends'(:

thanks anonymous.. i think i have a pretty good idea who you are.. so yea.. why not just put ur name up?
get in my face.. im pretty sure it wont be your first..

and what.. always around other people other than the timothy girls.. as in standing around.. ur not in my place.. ur a really different person that i am. i never felt like i had a real spot in the group.. my clinque in the tgirls clinque was small and was barely around.. nvm that.. so i go elsewhere.. going to somewhere new just seems better than suffering in a home.. not much of a difference in staying at home.. there in familiar surroundings but not feeling safe.. so yes. i stand out of the group from time to time.. but i still never was accepted much.. i would sit around.. but not really into the conversation thats taking place..

and i never did look at the timothy girls in a different perspective.. i always looked at the group the same.. i just never responded to anything.. i just kept it to myself..

and thx for the sarcasm at the end.. 'new' 'friends' if you want me out.. its not like my first time going through this type of thing.. give me a holler and you wont see me. thank for making my day. i always knew i can count on you.

=================================================

i dont know when i can find a place. a group of people. that i can really feel like i have a place. i just feel like i want to run away.. to a place. where i can just be accepted... i think im born with this curse..
history does repeat itself.. it does with me.. does for me..
why does everything i do . not do . say . or not say.. always.. someone will hate me for it..
!@#$%^ nevermind.. second half of this thing.. srry for wasting your time.. its just really getting on my nerves.. like all my friends that i've grown up with has something that i dont see whats wrong, against me. dont i have choices? i dunt know.. i've always lived life with a lot of decisions decided for me.. and as i always am.. fighting to make my own choices... that only leads to more trouble.. -_-

[ran outta time -_- continue this later..]

snow

makes even the ugly things beautiful

white blanket over it all

it snoweeedd todayyy! while i was walking home.. my walk turned into twirls on the sidewalk.. x)

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volleyball unit! yussss.. i love volleyball.. but i can't say that im like awesome at it.. but i love it and im ok at it.. and today... was our first class.. happs me! ^^ but i dont like me class.. cheatterrrss

poohiess makes the game not so funn.. ya know's ...

oh well..

title-less

i happy this past week or so.. first.. i was with my etcbc family.. my favorite family..i was with the tgirls that i grew up with.. but its not that that made if special, its not like I haven’t done it before.. but at winter retreat.. i did something different.. i didn’t only hang out with the tgirls so much.. i went away from default..

it all happened when we got into an argument.. or someone was arguing as others just got unhappy and moved away.. im normally only with one group of people.. whether im happy with them or not..

but i decided to fully go to another group of people, people that i must say that i don’t know all that well.. and we talked… like we’ve known each other as well as each of the tgirls knew each other.. i think it was the night card games and the all nighter convos that i actually treasure.. i got to talk about something without worrying that im going to be judged.. some of you that may read this and were also present at the 2 nights might not even think the same.. but for me, i really haven’t gotten away from the original circle in a long time.. and it is really nice just to be out there, with other people enjoying myself and not get hurt..

i was disappointed today.. i was just trying to somewhat continue what was started there [winter retreat].. and it was ok.. i was accepted.. and my old group would come up to me and say that ive ‘ditched’ them or along those lines.. i don’t understand.. i have never flown from the nest.. and the moment i do.. i get lectured.. am i only allowed to stay in the nest? even if i don’t feel safe in it? when i can leave the nest for a bit to see the rest of the world..

i thought my sisters would be happy for me.. that i did something that i sorta wanted to for a long time.. and be happy with me.. but didn’t happen so much like that.. i was almost disowned for what im glad about…

and yepp.. my writing is written kinda odd.. but its what my head is sorta thinking about.. and at this point.. the best i can put in into words.. im not so good at putting words in for my feelings... i tried tho.. =]

got my wallet backk!!

yayyyy!!!

the story of my wallett.. on sat.23.o6 i went to 4 stores to buy CANDYCANES so i can make candycane reindeer for my buddiessss..

sold out in stores, all 4 of them.. [i wasnt lazy and did it last minute.. no one would give me a lift..] and it was my impatient daddio that was driving me around to the 4 locations.. so he was all grumpy as he drove.. so i tried to make it quick..

so at the last location.. sheppard&&markham i finally found a store that had a few left.. so i picked them up, went to the cashier.. as i waited in line i got my wallet.. and i squished my wallet between my elbow/upper arm and my side as i paid.. when i was paying this guy booked out of the store.. and i just mumbled ... someone's in a rushhh... and when i was going to put my change back in my wallet..

it was goneeee

so yea.. i knew why the guy booked it.. after.. so i left my number with the store manager.. just in case.. hoping that it gets returned or whatever..

1 hr laterr -- someone calls my house.. asking for meee.. and told my mom about my lost wallet.. at 42 divison.. thats like right across the street from where i was.. -__-

so today jan.6.o7 i went to 42 div to pick it up.. finally. i was constantly asking to go.. and every time they said yes.. we end up not going.. but finally.. i got to gooooo! =) so i went in and i said that i lost a wallet.. the policee officer was like.. Crystal right?? and i was like.. o_O uhhh yesss.. and he had my wallet rightt there on his deskk... like he knew i was comming or something.. awkwarddd..

back in the car i checked what i had left.. weird. i had around 5 bucks left.. movie pass still there.. gift card still there... what went byebyee.. my sentimentals .. my disneyland ticket.. and my ccsa banquet o6 ticket.. i actrually wantted to keep those!!

i think they took it cuz it was a gucci wallet.. and thinking that i had an expensive wallet&&purse they think that i had big bucks in my wallet? muahhahaha.. not so much... =)anyway, at least i got the rest backk.. =))) yay!

[thx willio for .. supporting? and filling me in with infooos.. thxxx!]

Winter Retreat o7!

Jan 2 - 4th, o7 - Shalom by the Lake

Winter retreat started early in the morning.. got up at around 7am and got to church around 8:15 or so.. sat around hanging out until we started to load the bus..

the long bus ride spent talking . singing . blowing feathers . and etc...

once we were out.. we made an assembly line.. or of that sort to take in all the luggage from the bus to the cabin(?) just as i've seen it in pictures.. its so nice there.. very homiee to me.. =]

we then ran downstairs to the rooms claiming rooms and beds.. i got top bunk! we unpacked a bit and then we went up for an intro and icebreaker by the rec; jt . szeto . jordan
it was pretty funn.. the 'will you buy my donkey?" game was hilarious.. i was, and still am surprised that i didnt break out laughing.. but i am overly happy that i didnt.. =DD

lunch, sandwichesss ~yumm =)

for the first free time, i spent the whole time writing warm fuzzies to people, to every single person, and try to think of something different and relates to them for each.. i was so tired after..

for dinner we had curry and rice!

worship and message by ivan basicly about silence is good to hear GOD's gentle whisper. we got a pebble to remind us to be silent as *forget whoo* would not speak when the pebble was in his his mouth

bible study about discipleship

snacks and then we some went tube-ing as the rest played games.. CARDS.. xDDD

supposedly lights out is at 11pm.. i didnt even sleep in my bed for 10 minutes this whole trip.. i hated the plastic-y mattress that made a sound with every little movement i made.. that did annoy me.. and others.. so we; agnes&&iii went to sleep in the girls common room couch.. so much more comfy.. not more than 15 minutes later cindy runs in and tells us that there's a movie upstairs.. we watched Step Up... slept a bit before morning.. not too much tho..

breakfastt . milk . orange juice . pancakes . toast . etcc

devotions was fairly fast.. didnt take me very long..

worship and message

lunchh was fried rice

bible study was a skit on *forget whoo* but the onthe with the long hair&&strength..

rec time! we went outside to play this game.. in.. in*somethingg* where one person is blind folded as someone else tells them where to go to pick something up and go back to the linee..
then there was the weird.. squat-push-each-other-over game..
it . was . hilarious
go benn!

free time ~ TUBE-INGGG! some ppl went the night before but i think i was playing cards.. and they said something about it not being slippery enoughh, but then i went the second day and the last day.. it was awesome-nesss.. just takes energy to climb up that hill.. but then.. just too fun going down.. i even enjoyed the bumps along the way.. xDD but now.. the next day.. i am so sore.. every inch of my body.. *ouchhiesss* !!! ahhh..

then worship&&message

after we took all our sleeping bags and stuff up to the main room.. and we sat around in a circle with the lights off, with 3 candles in the middle.. we went around saying what we are thankful of.. and yea.. just sharing.. =) i wantted to say something deeper but.. em.. didn't want to at that time.. i might blog bout it later.. but now.. too tired . sore . busy . rushed..

washed up..

and me.cavina.and john sat around talking.. about .. 'nothingg' or more like.. unblogable [dont even try to ask.. they will not tellll =) ] .. then we moved on to talking in a big group with jon(jt) . wessL . nathan . derek . eventually cindy . and me.vina.john.. we talked all night.. but it was interesting enoughh to bring us through the whole night.. [jt's kiddy story is so cuteeee! awww! ..srry]

then that morning.. at like 7am? we went out to see the sunrise.. before breakfast we went to the top of the hill to see barely any sunset.. so we walk along and along.. found no opening to see the sunrise.. and turned back.. morning exercise!

breakfast . eggs . bacon . food ....

i was so exhausted a this point.. i fell asleep in within 3 mins.. so sad.. and i devotions.. took me forever.. since i wasnt listening to what i was reading.. i think i fell asleep during that too..

worship&&message.. the difficulty-ness of keeping myself awake.. i kept dozing off every other 5 sec?? or even less i think..

free time.. i was planning to sleep.. but jt said something about tube-ing? and yea.. i gave in like 3 minutes after and went.. and i had ENERGY.. somehow..

lunch.. i forget what we had.. = /

we then packed talked.. wrote more warm-fuzziess.. and oh yea... the secret admirer thing.. i thought it may be cindy.. cuz she wrote a lot of notes.. but then.. i didnt know is she was writing for someone.. so i didnt say her.. instead jenn.. why i have no idea.. but yea.. then we got ready to leavee

on the buss and off back to TO.. awww.. i miss shalomm!

back at church around 8:30pm? and we waited for parents to come..

homeeee

and i did half of this when i got home.. and posted the rest.. [now] =) im tired.. and sore..
but it was just too funn... *sighh*