just a few days, just around the corner...

retreat is in just a few days,
just around the corner.. and im not looking forward to it one bit..
the reasons dont seem definite.
the one person i wish would go isnt.
i really miss how we use to be,
we were so close --i have no idea what h a p p e n e d.
i really wanted to have the chance to spend full 24hr days with her, just to catch up and whatnot.
yes there are always others, but i dont seem really close to one of them in particular, everyone just kinda drifted.
i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.
just the other day i accidently blurted out that im not looking forward to it(retreat) at all.
i thought i was in a safe environment...
so i was questioned why im going-
my answer then was because ppl said i should. and i wanted to adviod the questions of why.

i guess my answer is... i want to give it a try, a chance, and maybe i'd have fun, and maybe God would have something for me.
im scared for this retreat. i remember that ive spent retreat days to comfort and accompany someone else cause they werent too happy, just wasnt right to me, for someone to be sad at a retreat.
glad i was of help or use. just cant say i appreciate how theyd leave, ditched when they were feeling better, not caring that i just left everything behind for them.. not caring about me a bit in return..

now this year, may i ask for a return of a favor?

i never thought

[i would be]

willingly retelling stories of parts of my life to you
that i normally dont even want to think about.

r i s k i n g
risking it all.
risking that after you'd push me away.
risking myself.
for

y o u .

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

--youre always there,
even when everyone's too busy,
you'd always make the time.

growing closer to you through every thing we do
even through arguments.

then "but" comes into mind;;
but what if you grow tired of the things i do-
but what if you grow tired the little habits i have-
but what if you grow tired the constant things i say-

*or do-

{like how i can get shy around you > scared to say the wrong thing..}

that is it for my ramble.. after a friggin hr, these are the only things i can but into words..

with tears in my eyes, these words repeat in my mind with frustration..

one day.
four months.
less.
dont let this be it.

stay safe
stay safe
stay safe.

dont do this to me.

rambling ramblers

i wont make you do things you dont want to.

i wont be the one to correct your actions to benefit myself.

if you dont want to talk to me, i wont make you.

id rather hang the frown on my door than to see hang yours.

i'll laugh it off.

i'll wait it out.

i'll get through.

i want to get through with you with me, at the end.
i still care for you none the less. you're my friend.
we're not perfect. i know that. and i dont expect perfection.

you may not agree with me,

but i feel the way i feel,

i cant change that.//

its just a matter or reaction. response.

change the way i feel;

change what makes me feel that way.

banana peel! banana peel!

i see the banana peel,
only steps from your path.

i yell out to you,
but you refuse my call.

with the back of your hand,
you turn me down.

so i'll just stand here,
biting my lip; hoping that you'd walk over it,
but ready to catch your fall.

camera zooms in,
as your foot is about to sink into that peel
--and the camera stops//




*will you get hurt.

*will i catch you in time.

*will you blame me.

[will you ever listen to me]


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
so metaphoric : P

i know, im here, so please --

i know when somethings wrong,
i know you better than that..
i know you dont want me to worry.

im here for you; you know that.
im here, its my responsiblility.
im here to share your problems,
im here to listen.
im here cause i love you.

so please dont keep it from me;
so please dont feel bad for making me worry.
so please - talk to me.

i know. im here. so please --

midnight outbreak

my mother.
closely involved in [volume one] and [two] of cause of my stress and insanity.

what exactly did i do?
n o t h i n g.
not a word. not a movement.
and thats all is needed to start it all//

this is what i have done to her. what i am that is a problem.
- i was born.
- im a horrible student.
- i care of nothing.
- i keep her in canada.
- i was born.

so she threatens to leave.
leave canda.
leave the family.
leave me behind.
to hongkong
to my sick aunt
to not-where-i-am.

arent i a curse .

blamed for.
not to say a word in response is difficult.

yet dont say a word. dont make a face.
it declares war.
all exclusive -war cries. -flightless objects flying. aimed at me. to kill me.

--so here i am.
holding my tongue.
with music flowing through the buds into my head, in attempts to clear my mind.



. . . . . . . . . . . all just a little midnight outbreak//

Please Pray.

Please pray.
We have never seen anything like this. We knew that Orissa was the most resistant and hostile State in India as far as the Gospel is concerned. And we brushed off the continuous threats and harassment we faced as we went about His work. But none of our staff imagined that they would see this kind of carnage.... And it seems to be totally under the radar of the Western Media ....Let me explain.... A militant Hindu priest and 4 of his attendants, who were zealously going around the villages of Orissa and 'reconverting' people back to Hinduism, were gunned down by unknown assailants in Central Orissa last weekend. Immediately the Christians were blamed . The cry rose up... 'Kill the Christians!' And the horror began.... In the past 4 days, we have first hand witness to hundreds of churches being blown up or burned and many, many dozens of Christian tribes have been slaughtered. For no other reason than they bear the name of Christ.

Night and day I have been in touch with our Good News India Directors spread across 14 Dream Centers in Orissa... they are right in the middle of all this chaos. In Tihidi, just after the police came to offer protection, a group of 70 blood-thirsty militants came to kill our staff and destroy the home. They were not allowed to get in, but they did a lot of damage to our Dream Center by throwing rocks and bricks and smashing our gate, etc. They have promised to come back and 'finish the job.' Our kids and staff are locked inside and have stayed that way with doors and windows shut for the past 3 days. It has been a time of desperately calling on the Lord in prayer.

More police have come to offer protection. In Kalahandi, the police and some local sympathizers got to our dream center and gave our staff and kids about 3 minute s notice to vacate. No one had time to even grab a change of clothes or any personal belonging. As they fled, the blood thirsty mob came to kill everyone in the building. We would have had a mass funeral there, but for His grace. In Phulbani, the mob came looking for Christian homes and missions. The local Hindu people, our neighbors turned them away by saying that there were no Christians in this area. So they left.
We had favor. The same thing happened in Balasore.

All our dream centers are under lock down with the kids and staff huddled inside and police outside. The fanatics are circling outside waiting for a chance to kill. Others were not so fortunate. In a nearby Catholic orphanage, the mob allowed the kids to leave and locked up a Priest and a computer teacher in house and burned them to death. Many believers have been killed and hacked into pieces and left on the road.... even women and children.
At another orphanage run by another organization, when this began, the Director and his wife jumped on their motorbike and simply fled, leaving all the children and staff behind. Every one of our GNI directors that I have spoken to said: 'We stay with our kids.... we live together or die together, but we will never abandon what God has called us to do.' More than 5000 Christian families have had their homes burned or destroyed. They have fled into the jungles and are living in great fear waiting for the authorities to bring about peace. But so far, no peace is foreseen.
This will continue for another 10 days.... supposedly the 14 day mourning period for the slain Hindu priest. Many more Christians will die and their houses destroyed. Many more churches will be smashed down. The Federal government is trying to restore order and perhaps things wil l calm down. We ask for your prayers. Only the Hand of God can calm this storm. None of us know the meaning of persecution. But now our kids and staff know what that means. So many of our kids coming from Hindu backgrounds are confused and totally bewildered at what is happening around them. So many of their guardians have fled into the jungles and are unable to come and get them during these trying times.

Through all this, I am more determined than ever to continue with our goal: the transformation of a community by transforming its children. Orissa will be saved... that is our heart's cry. If we can take these thousands of throw-away children and help them to become disciples of Jesus, they will transform an entire region. It is a long term goal, but it is strategic thinking in terms of the Great Commission.
What can you do? First, please uphold all this in fervent prayer. Second, pass this e-mail on to as many friends as you can. We must get the word out and increase our prayer base for this is spiritual warfare at its most basic meaning. We are literally fighting the devil in order to live for His Kingdom. The next 10 days are crucial. We pray for peace and calm to pervade across Orissa. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please pass it on and help us to get as many people to partner with us on this cutting edge effort to fulfill His mandate: Go and make disciples of all nations.... Prayer works!

Blessings, Chip & Sandy Wanner Col 2:2 MBI
Team Facilitators to YWAM (Youth With A Mission) frontlines



Children Ministry Supervisor - ALEXANDRA PARK COMMUNITY
URBAN PROMISE TORONTO - Camp Peace
Gilman (HOSANNA) Ho
(416) 718-8362
My new webpage: www.freewebs.com/bdasalt/

the pαrαdox of our αges.

we hαve tαller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freewαys, but nαrrower viewpoints. we spend more, but hαve less; we buy more, but enjoy less. we hαve bigger houses αnd smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
we drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, lαugh too little, drive too fαst, get too αngry, stαy up too late, get up too tired, reαd too little, wαtch TV too much, αnd prαy too seldom. we have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our vαlues. we tαlk too much, love too seldom, αnd hαte too often.

we've leαrned how to mαke α living, but not α life. we've αdded yeαrs to life not life to yeαrs. we've been αll the way to the moon αnd bαck, but hαve trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. we conquered outter spαce but not inner spαce. we've done lαrger things, but not better things.

we've cleαned up the αir, but polluted the soul. we've conquered the αtom, but not our prejudice. we write more, but leαrn less. We plαn more, but αccomplish less. we've leαrned to rush, but not to wαit. we build more computers to hold more informαtion, to produce more copies thαn ever, but we communicαte less αnd less.

these αre the times of fαst foods αnd slow digestion; big men αnd small chαrαcter; steep profits αnd shαllow relαtionships. these αre the dαys of two incomes but more divorce; fαncier houses but broken homes. these αre dαys of quick trips, disposαble diαpers, throwαwαy morαlity, one night stαnds, overweight bodies, αnd pills thαt do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. it is α time when there is much in the showroom window αnd nothing in the stockroom. α time when technology cαn bring this letter to you, αnd α time when you cαn choose either to shαre this insight, or to just hit delete.

Dr.Bob Mooreheαd

► p l a y. p a u s e. □ s t o p.

its amazing how ive finally gotten over you,
moved on.
and you wouldnt wander into my thoughts.

you never knew how much you meant to me,
how much the little things you did;
meant to me.
hurt me.

dont think you ever will..
but those days are over.//

but when those songs play
--you're still the first and only person that comes to mind.
and reminisce takes over..

and i wonder what happened, and where even our friendship it went..
if feels like ive lost you completely..
didnt mean for that to happen.
all because of ...


[zehzeh + sei low] even tho it was always [gohgoh + muimui]

>> you'll still always be in my heart : )

hellll-o. //chocolatey goodness+freshmintyness

all of a sudden.
BAM*
and i just dont know what to do. or what to think.


so there [CAK.]
crystal. ashes. katelyn
or the
(religious asian. wild child. blonde)
this year has been so unexpected for us..
ashley's now a mommy with a beautiful baby girl --issabella cachia♥

and so after one of us just hit motherhood. --katelyn vowed to have sex after marriage, we talked bout it a little, but she was always the goodietwoshoes and even before ashes belly i recall her clearly saying that she's going to save herself.

then there was today.. when she asked ashes bout the birthcontrolpills. (ashes always took them just cause she has really insane cramps during her lovely womenly week of the month) so i was like. wait. WHAT!? o_O and she spills. "you know, just in case, i can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby" ok, so looks like she wants to get some. whatever happened to saving herself?
doesnt help that we found a condom in her room either.

w h a t h a s e v e ry t h i n g c o m e t o ?


{dangg-ers.. i even used names on this post.. =O
its ok, they dont read my blog..}
-- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥ -- ♥

chocolatey goodness; sweeter than sugar. 'more addicting than coffee.
fresh mintyness; your breathe. and how you refresh me.


you've keep me uberly happy since ive been with you,
and you make my heart flutter
-with all the sweet messages you leave me..

i appreciate your presence,
or spirit wandering, or the thought of you always there for me, around with me; is calming and reaffirming.

i actually thinking things over before i just jump right into it, its such a change, i actually try not to hurt myself just cause i know you're going to jump into panic mode when you find out..

unfortunately i feel like im taking advantage of you,
you're doing so much more for me.. and i can barely identify the little things that i do for you..

...

{lack of the ability of writing with the recognition of the stress caused from the above emotions.}



anyway..
--you're so supercalafragalisticexpialidocious!
and nope, i dont know how to spell that long word above, i just simply used my resources ; ) but im learning it now, if that helps : P

-thanksyou-

< m + c 3

--C.

5 thoughts a handful

«rewind
;;back to last year. last summer.

--and that's what i want it to be just the way it was thenn.

» but look at me now. //
what happened? the bottle that i was bottling popped and broke.
you've used up all the little bit of me that was left.



i cant turn to you without a high guard up.
so high that all i have is angry to show,

-cant suppress it anymore.

my body wants to run, just run as far as i can from there,

-like a reflex to avoid harm.

its like i was robbed.
over and over again.
more and more of me was taken each time.
you're standing in front of me. with a hand held forward.
i've got nothing left for you to take now.
>>and im left with no choice but to run. run. run.



i notice when you look at the empty seat beside me and sit else where, even if it was less comfortable.
i hear the things you say behind my back, the real way you feel about me.
i see how you look at me, i see how you turn around and join a conversation.
i feel the rejection.

{{im highly grateful, and not a million thankyou's would not compare. God's given me one new person to watch over me as im struggling so much, so in need for someone to be there. truly and angel sent from heaven, but in human form, still with human obstacles; and we're here for each other. helping each other through. lending ears to listen. shoulders to lean.}}

B.A.S.I.C

B.A.S.I.C
brothers and sisters in Christ

i feel so strongly about the whole idea.
i even picked it for our TC name, perhaps its because i dont have any blood siblings,
but still, the i believe that the idea, still stands firm.
perhaps i dont know how brothers and sisters are like, but i thought i had an idea, and i liked how it looked in my mind. but dont think they reflect it very much..
im likely not the only one feeling this way, but i dont think that it would make me feel better than im not alone, id rather be alone. cause id mean that there would be less things like this happening..
i sense that everyone's just trying to outdo each other in this and that, trying to be better than the next person.
but what for? we all know that we have our own strengths and weaknesses. and that we're all the same in God's eyes. we should be there to help each other. make each other feel safe, that we're all special. but we're doing just the opposite. hurting people just so that we can feel more "superior" than them. its so lame. its not right.
why am i feeling threatened for trying to be nice? really, i only have one reason for being friendly to you, and even trying to be nice, because thats whats God wants us to do; love your neighbor. loving your neighbor because you love God.
i cant believe you guys can do the things you do. like i mean nothing to you. perhaps you dont. fine. but just to tell you, i care for you. you guys mean a lot to me. but that seems to be meaning less and less every time i come within contact with you. i dont think it would hurt as much if i didnt care about you guys as much either..
looks like its all on me.

im mad at you. but i dont want to make you feel guilty, im not sure why..
i forgive you, because i like you, you're my friend, and overall, because God first forgave me.
so i go along, and accompany you to things that id personally rather not go to. and once we're there, you see someone. you and run away with her knowingly ditching me.

seriously. grow up. cause sooner or later, this will happen to you. as mean as i feel saying this; i kinda look forward to that day. so you'll know how i felt. i cant believe i took so much effort to be there for you, and just be a friend. turns out to be a waste of time, and i regret it. a lot.

and things dont change as long as i want them to.
im not significant to make things like this, happen.

first claims

looks like the friendship between up turned into just a competition,
claiming things as theirs. traits. things. colours.
these little things shouldnt cause glares, hmphs or anything for that matter.
especially because we should be or are suppose to be friends.

claiming their colours in flip flops. bags. or just the colour itself.
claiming the type of sunglasses.
claiming who had a certain shirt first.
claiming a favorite. singing. piano. animals.

just claiming whos first to do something, then everyone else is copying.
i find myself caught up in this too now, just like getting it fast, because if i didnt, someone else is going to claim it, and you'd get glares if you wore or had the same thing..

i thought about a lot of things today.. and i think that we've gone just too far. i want to just ignore what others have and get. like. do. what i want. but im hesitating. just knowing that theres going to be things once again said about me. and "copying". im tired of being scared to like something, because someone else does too.

i understand that it takes away personality and uniqueness when everyone ends up liking the same thing.. but we're all friends, we know that you were the genius that introduced us to whatever you did.

at least thats what i think.. just my thoughts thrown out there..

deciding my summer

what are friends for? what a mindless question. holding quite the hard answer..

life's being difficult right now. and life's throwing a lot of complications for me to handle, yet i only have two hands.

i think God opened my closely held eyes just now. He pointed me in the right direction.. ive had my priorities all wrong. why am i wasting so much time on people who dont care? when there's someone that i feel that i've let float away to the darkened areas of my heart that i should call out to? --my aunt. shes been diagnosed with cancer for a second time since around may 07. and not even hours ago, i was informed that cancer have not only spread to numberous parts of her body, bone and blood, but now, also to her brain also. she'd stop responding to medication and treatment. days are limited for her.

why am i spending time on people that dont care? rather than reaching out to her? with His word? i should be preparing myself to reach out to her with His love and comfort that He'd shown me, as she's looking towards me to show her God. i really do hope that shes not only watching me for a reflection of God, i dont know my scripture nearly enough, and im like a mucky mirror reflecting dimmed light..

so right now im highly considering going to hongkong to see her, most likely for the last time. ive sworn that i was never going to go back, not with my mom, not over the summer (that practically means never.. cause there'd be school otherwise) but now i think God planned for this. im not in summer school, im unemployed, and theres all this mess around people. im already spending time away, advoiding, why not do something productive while im at it? i think its right for me to go, and come back before VBS or something...

i think its all set. now its just tickets.. and going and coming back in time.

so now its more than i expected.

this is just too much. i think i say that a lot now. my limits are pushed further and further back.. to a point where its almost intolerable. all this im going through. all these judgments proved true; its tearing me apart. shredding me to pieces. not just my heart, but mind too. where am i to go physically for comfort? and dont you all say that i can talk to you. cause i know thats a lie. who's really truely honestly genuine? the facts placed in front of me are growing to be unbearable. God's right by my side, but i dont feel his presence and even less of his comfort. where am i to run?

Lord, im angry. and unfortunately it feels to be ever so slightly leaning to you. you've placed me in this environment, knowing that i'll get hurt, so why did you put me here? i can't take this, and you know this quite well, i know. this environment is unsafe to me, i dont understand. i may be blind and unable to see your reasoning or big picture. but what significance does or is this suppose to bring? ive learnt this lesson already, still and ever so clearly it stays in mind as it was a nightmare learning it, ive learn and changed my actions accordingly. so why must i go through this again? why do i have to loose everything? yes, you give and take. im not sure ive got anything or much to cling on to.

i always end up finding excuses, blaming it on accidents or bad moods to preserve the image i have for them in my head. i want to believe that i still love you guys. but now i dont know how much i can even do that..

its actually a lot easier if you did it in front of me so i can defend myself than to backstab.. but i guess its best for you cause you cause me to hurt more? id rather the physical pain too.. but really. who knew that guys were into emotionally? mentally? hurting people?
this is new to me. o_O
and im not likeing these things i learn day by day..

its all in His master plan.

i dont want to do this anymore, hours feel like days
and i find myself looking forward in leaving, looking at the time more and more often..

i dont know whats going on, but its lasting for too long,
feels like its only me feeling that way, only me out of place.

should i go and find some where else? or "stay and fight"?
what am i fighting for? if ive said it before, and nothing has changed,
perhaps they dont want to change, not like people have to respect you.
not like people have to be your friend.

the things i share from the heart, to one i thought really cared,
soon ridiculed the points ive given in public eye.
what im thinking, how i felt, was turned into a joke..
i guess thats how you always thought of it, but why did you lie?


should i stay or should i go. the ties are even.. and i cant decide.

do i loose the memories that i had with people ive known for years? or are they meant to stay behind?
i gave it up to God, but feels as if He's not doing anything with it, and time passes as His will is yet to be made, what do i do in the meantime?

whatever happens, will find its way. whats meant to be, will be. its all in His master plan.

m e r g i n g ramblings

whoa just noticed how many drafts i write.. what comes with school --tired hands and this lazy girl would rather type up her thoughts than to write em down..
this is like a lot of posts MERGED into ONE..


why do you think that everyone else is the problem? i dont deny what i do, but i want to be able to defend myself, so that im only punished for what i did, or do. but how bout you?

why do you think that everyone else is the problem?
and if you know your problems, then why do you keep doing it? why dont you even attempt to change? not even after someone has just told you.

some times i want to go, so i wont have to witness it, and if i dont witness it, i dont have to believe that its true.
pshh.. that actually never stopped me, i just tell myself that it was a dream or a nightmare, cause you know, sometimes i cant tell if im dreaming or living it..
just i prefer to not witness it..
but then theres the option to stay around just so that i can remember the little bit that lasts..
--naive, mbee i am, but i havent come up with what else to do..

I love this. like a lost soul taking a chance and is almost sure to be hurt, but she does anyway. Out of need. out of desperation. out of love. It is a hard path she walks and she walks it alone. --beautifully emo-ly written for me from jerms : ) love you budss

im backing out cause i love you and i dont want to be a reason for hurting you. but for every step i take back, you take forward, pushing me further and further back. why am i letting you do this? why are you doing this..

i dont want to be angry, i can do the most regretful things, so i suppress it into sadness, cause that way it wont hurt anyone.. but myself. i wonder if its the right thing to do anymore. like they say, you cant satisfy everyone, so you mite as well satisfy yourself.. but i cant bring that into action without feeling guilt, guilt that i didnt even try to make others feel better, i feel selfish for even thinking to satisfy myself than others, while i can.

i dont want to talk about "whats up" makes me have to review over all those things that are troubled in my life.. its not that i want to run from them, i mean, if i ran from them all, there's really barely anything left.
i want to know what to do, which to approach first, but all this is just so overwhelming.. !!

sharing helps i guess, just i dont want to be pointed out as gossiping or talking crap behind others back when names come up. i dont know what to do anymore, i feel so helpless..

--//for now : )

heres to you.

so yea.. i dont think clovers work so well. no matter the number of petals there are.
is it because im not irish. racist green goblins.

so yea. for all my readers. hmm get ready for another rough ride with crystal = /
i firstly apologize for all the things i may do, and if i piss you off, or anything in general for.. not sure, may be a while...

ok, so heres to yet another unpleasant note..
its from a few thoughts from a few weeks maybe? until now..


dont accuse of the things you dont know about.
and no? i dont want to be 'the middle of attention'?
i actually dont like that much attention, i know what it can do to you..
i just dont want to be neglected.
i dont go around telling ppl that i have problems,
ppl ask. and i dont want to lie, like maybe the way you do?
i come straight out, i am pushing you away, you're kinda playing it fake with me.
am not liking it.
actions. i want you to be real. stop faking it with me. stop trying to act like you care, when you can turn your back to easily.
if you think im so much trouble, and all this that you say i am, and that you've only had to hold up with it all, btw, i dont want you to stay if its only going to cause so much ruckus.
how do you know that im BSing you? no, thats just the raw stuff that i think you should know.
you obviously dont see the things i do for you and other ppl, so dont say that i sit back and just ask for it.

stop thinking that you know me. cause im telling you that you dont.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

this is outrageous how horribly stressful everything is going..
im not sure how to put these into words, i dont want to flat out say it, not like this.
but really. this is tough, going through day by day seems to be a struggle,
planning about what im going to do in years to come seems only foolish and unnecessary,
questioning if i can even make it to the next day s a n e is a mystery.
with the people, or friends in school. academic grades. what im going into.
then theres home, all the bickering. yelling. screaming. slaming. everything. it stings my heart to see it. hear it. be apart of it. yet at the same time be told that im too young to put two cents in. but im confused. im seventeen and im apart of the family. if it affects me. im going to say something. i dont want to see us break apart...
then there are friends. feels like home. as in neglected and the one that they talk to when they want to.
what now? where am i? what do i have left? these words i hear dont mean anything.. stop saying things that you cant prove.
whos real? whats real? what am i suppose to do?
why am i so detached. from everyone. and God too?
what do i have to do? what does all this mean?

im sorry. i'll stop doing what im doing. or i'll start doing what i need to do. but i need to know what it is that i have to stop. and what it is that i have to do...

four.leaf.clover♥

according to wikipedia..

The four-leaflet clover is an uncommon variation of the common three-leaf clover. According to superstition, such leaves bring good luck to their finders, especially if found accidentally.^[1]

Clovers can have more than four leaflets. The most leaflets ever recorded is eighteen.^[2]

Many believe that these are "four leaved" clovers which is not true as these are the "leaflets" and not "leaves"; usually clovers have 3 leaflets.

According to legend, each leaflet represents something: the first is for hope, the second is for faith, the third is for love, and the fourth is for luck.^[3] Legend also holds that if a lady hangs a four-leaf clover on her door, the next man to come in will become her husband.

It is debated whether the fourth leaflet is caused genetically or environmentally.^{[citation needed]} Its rarity suggests a possible recessive gene appearing at a low frequency. Alternatively, four-leaf clovers could be caused by somatic mutation or a developmental error of environmental causes. They could also be caused by the interaction of several genes that happen to segregate in the individual plant. It is possible all four explanations could apply to individual cases.

[this is it, pic on the left is my first four.leaf.clover : )]

so im suppose to have good luck, since i found it accidentally : )

"Legend also holds that if a lady hangs a four-leaf clover on her door, the next man to come in will become her husband." i think its likely that daddy's going to be the nxt dude that walks in.. AWKWARD... : P

i love my mutant : 3

♥luckyclover

enough of this bull.

[beware: rantTEAiiish + anGARRiee post]


picked up and dropped off.
like an item from a thrift store,
picked up with a small price, when needed i come in handy, and thrown in those boxes at the back of a parking lot when im not.

i want to feel like im cared about and not just someone thats to be unacknowledged only when im needed.
if that cant be delivered, i'd rather you fully leave me out all together.

do not tell me that you're sorry and that you're going to stop and change. i believed you cause i believed and thought you were my friend. but i guess its obvious that i believed in the wrong person, and thought just wrong.
you would go back and stab my in the back once more before you walk off.

why do i always step in that same puddle time after time? "trust me. trust me, you can trust me" you say over and over. but you lie and disappoint me once too many times now. i wonder if you only say that so that you can find out what would hurt me most.

this is ridiculous how obnoxious and rude this is.

dont tell me that you feel the same, and understand when people spread rumors or use what you tell them against them and only to hurt them. cause you do it. i think i see you do it a lot more than those other people you say.

why do i always try to be nice, even in the midst of you backstabbing me? why am i defending you even then? is it not obvious enough?

i'll forgive, but i dont forget things so soon, but you keep it coming back like those unwanted. annoying pop ups on the computer. so it bottles itself. and really i think its about to blow, and i suggest you run when that happens. get out of my way when that happens. dont let me find out anything else that you do when that happens.

yet you question why i dont talk to you or if im mad at you. well im glad you can sense it.
if i grow quiet on you, or walk from you. it means that im holding back hitting you. ok? : )


[incomplete rant, but i've taken out enough to be able to concentrate in my reading..]

four leaf clover

friday. june 6. o8

started the day off in a rush cause i over slept, leaving me no time to grab food. find my runners. and time to discover where i put my mango foam sunscreen from last summer.

first significant event was the 5K run beach run that was postponed and moved to this day because of rain.

at 10:30am, i was dismissed to go for this 5K run that's to be accomplished in 30mins. so off i went to change into my shorts and tank, grabbed my ipod and went to meet up with my running buddy.

at the park across the school, i saw all the people who were to also run the 5K. standing around in temperatures of 32 degrees, we're breaking out a sweat before we even begin this run.

during the run, i found that not having the right shoes came to really stress me out, i could feel my shoe loose, and trying to part from my foot. and also my stomach growling from hunger and my lovely curse for being a girl kicked in too. but the beach and the scenery was just beautiful, didnt think the renovations would make such a big difference.

sticky from head to toe, i finish within the time frame that teacher said that we must finish in order to get a standard mark 40mins. with 2 mins to spare i fell over under a tree gasping for cool air, but only feeling the smoggy air that seemed to stuff my nose.

back at the school we were given a little BBQ lunch to celebrate --hotdogs. i personally dont have a love for them.. so i had one and gave the other to my friend tho she didnt run.

for the first time since i can remember, i walked through mowat halls at lunch with no one pushed or shoved pass me, guess they're not into sweaty people? : P so katelyn and i decided to take the day off, i especially since i just couldnt seem to concentrate on anything, because of the heat and the fact that i can pick paper up with my arm..

on the way to my house, walking into vlad(that also ran) and taylor we decided to take a break and chilled under the tree with them. resting and trying to get back to a regular heart rate and temperature, we ended up drawing on each other with highlighters and pens, only to find that we practically ran out of space to write on each other, we just threw grass at each other..

and then, i started to pick clovers, i love clovers, plant made of hearts : ) all of a sudden i noticed that i just found a FOUR LEAF CLOVER. first one ever in my life of scavenging around in the grass. amused, vlad went on a four leaf clover hunt also, only to be unsuccessful. jokingly teasing him about his failure of finding a four leaf clover, i pick up more clovers to analyze. just to find yet another four leaf clover! it was then when i was then named lucky(four leaf) clover. "yo. you should make this your career"

eventually we went down to the plaze to get some ice cream at beloved bits and bites, journey eventually taking me home, and walking up the front doors i spot a patch of clovers, curious if i could find another lucky clover, i couldnt resist not looking. Successfully i found 5 more! ecstatic , i ran inside to put them through plastic to preserve such rareness.

monday i went and distributed a luckyclover to each of the people who witnessed me finding my first clovers, my luckyclover buds : )

now, for these the luck to kick in and help us through our upcoming exams!

[this is my gay journal entry of my : ) day]


♥luckyclover --vlad.taylor&kate

kahn

my grade 10 science teacher, and i was dumb enough and stayed in his class for 11 chem.

wow. i always knew he was a wack job, but he's just reached a *new level* of me disliking him o_O
i just want to laugh in his face. [i feel so mean o_O]

so this is what happened today:
kahn: {teaching}
david: so how much of this is going to be on the exam?
khan: one question
david: so why am i writing all this down?!
kahn: well turnbull, are you taking bio next year?
david: yea..
kahn: well you'll need it then *smiles creepily* you can thank me then
olivia: you're teaching bio next year?! *o_O*
kahn: why do you sound so shocked? wouldnt you want me as a bio teacher?
class: [...]
kahn: dont like me as your bio teacher?
class: [...]
kahn: dont tell me you dont like me as a chem teacher now *creepy smile* you'll break my heart!
class: errr...

reasons why i dont quite like kahn:
- writing on the board with writing only an inch tall, and with a dead marker
(oh, btw, the class is approx 13 m back? and im in the back row, cause there are no other seats..)
- k, the kid beside me has BINOCULARS.
- girls, dont wear a shirt with a print on your chest. --he WILL read it and make an awkward comment
- way to help when you dont get it: "what? thats a grade2 question *laughs*"
(wasnt me, i dont ask so many questions, but others)
- tests only have 6 questions, oh --and its out of 80+?
- he doesnt change his shirt, and wears short shorts. and us students have to see this every class, when he writes on the board. lovely sight no?


well dont i sound bitter.
but i cant help it.
dont. read. my. shirt. old crab. (walks like a crab, discovered by sally)

emotional am i?

so ive been described as emotional recently..
cant really deny it either..

so much is going through my life..

so many people just nosing around trying to find out everything..
or try to fix me or saying that im the problem, but do you know what its all about?
i mean.. can you get an answer to no equation?
hang off k? i mean, im sure you mean well, but you're not coming at it right, and its only lighting my anger or emotions..
so thats family...

now for those buddies of mine.. i dunno, i try my best to be a friend, or what i think would be best for a friend.. but as exceptions go, you dont always get treated the way you treat others..
so all those people who believe in karma? --pretty bs to me...

then there's ashley.. how i wish i knew what to do.. so she's pregnant, am i going to say yes to being Godparent? still not sure.. i mean, that some biggg responsibility if anything happens..
and now, all of a sudden, she's moving..

to top it off, school, you know those yummy or puke-y marks dont help, neither do the culminating.. or exams?!

then summer.. hows that going to go? do i even want to look forward to it? whats really good that i want to look forward to?

then theres next year.. last year.. and most of the friends i've hung out with are going going gone..

all thats left is God.. you hear me, what's all this mean? --whatever makes your kingdom come i guess..

short ramblings.. i need to do this chemm cul//

all that culminatings + exams

drive me. crazy. and kills sleep,
crystal shall sleep no more XD - macbeth

may 26th, - physics potato cannon proposal due
may 27th - media articles due
may 28th - english macbeth speech presentation
may 29th - media magazine due
may 29th - english macbeth speech presentation
may 30th - physics potato cannon firing
june 2nd - fitness health video
june 3rd - chem MSG project
june 4th - parenting baby culminating assignment
june 4th - parenting exam
june 5th - physability
june 5th - chem picture + 100 word explanation
june 6th - fitness 5K run (in 30 mins) -delayed caused by rain ♥♥♥
june 11th - math exam @12:30
june 12th - english exam @12:30 - room 108
june 17th - chem exam @9:00 - room 206
june 18th - bio exam @12:30 - cafe
june 19th - physics exam @12:30 - cafe

truths. lies. and frienship dies.

just hope that the last out of the 3 doesnt come true...

recently has been so hard, just with my mom breaking out on me like i was some no one..
just trying to get by each day to the next til i hit weekend so i dont have school there too.
in hopes that i mite have a chance to relax a bit more..
my sisters, my sisters, are they really? i dunno. it feels like im just trying to make myself believe something just cause i know that id be easier that way.
when i look forward to friday, do i really look forward to seeing them? or just the fact that its going to be weekend?
i know and hear the things that you say about me, definitely doesnt reflect friendship, but you insist and fake that you are my friend after. why are you doing this?
and in a more specific time, did you notice that you're in my area? you're in my room, touching my stuff, and the moment i step out, you talk about me? thanks. thats some respect you've got.

really, if you dont like me or say something, say so; i dont get why you have to fake it.

what you did hurt me. word gets around. not trying to curse, but i hope you know how it feels, so that you wont do this to anyone else.

treat others the way you want to be treated.

to someone out there : )

ok, i can tell that you care for me.
and you want to know me,
but really, when i dont want to tell you something,
maybe its more personal, and i dont want to share?

its not like im excluding you alone,
im not telling anyone.
not yet at least.. : 3

i dont know, im not able to say it to your face.
so i guess this is how i get it out..
but i dont think you read my blog..

emotions of this past week

i had the potential.
i had the opportunity.
and instead of using it to my fullest advantage,
i gave it up,
only to spare someone else's feelings.
in return, have mine shattered and crushed.

i did the right thing didnt i?
arnt i suppose to feel good after i do it?
why am i regretting doing something good? or right?

im glad that you're happy.
--but id rather you be happy with me.

know what...
im glad you're happy.
im glad shes happy.
im glad you guys are happy.

im. glad. that. you're. happy.
and please dont make me repeat it.
just take it. and runnn with it.

its ok. leave. i'll handle this.

you made my week a m a z i n g. so thankyou.
and lets just leave it at that.

just remember this;
i will always be here for you to talk to, no matter what happens.
--im still not done my work. but how this is going to happen?
i dont have an answer.
just wait. and we'll see what happens.


--plan for loss, and hope for miracles.

Weak

Been tripping out of my mind.
Going crazy girl. baby I can't do anything without you
I've been thinking of way for you to come home.
Walk in and set play the whole drama girl.
Thinking that I was right but dead wrong.
Been trying to keep my head above the ground.
But realistically I'm probably gonna fall.
Don't let me go.
Because the truth is that I've been waiting for you.
Hoping, wishing, praying that you would call.

Now here we go at stage two.
Feels like more like a hundred and three.
And my emotions get the best of me.
I need my shawty back so I can breathe.
Cause I try to resist all the things I missed.
Oh baby I can't let you go.
The first time that we kissed, there was all that I wished.
So don't tell me to move on.

And now I know that when it's over strength is hard to find.
I'm so weak, only thoughts of you keep running through my mind.
And now I'm dying cause I thought my heart had finally found true love.
Love, pain is the same.
It's all the same.
My heart died playing these games.
And you know it's true, now I'm crying and dying cause I need you.

?

should i feel guilty?

used?

loved?

all i know is that every time i see you,
i forget what i was thinking of before..

wouldnt of worked anyway..

theres no way i could trust you
the way i needed to trust you.

i was smart for once to leave you before i got myself in too deep,
i realized that i knew nothing about you.
and you didnt intend to change that.

what was i thinking?!
that i should give you a chance, and that maybe im misjudging..
i think i was right on. a l w a y s trust your gut.

still bothers me that you're everywhere,
and that you have to try to contact me.

but still
i am so much happier, --without you.

and for some reason. i do want you to read this.
you know --"just so you know"

not meant for me

so here i am, still at this thing

asked a question i really wasnt ready to answer,
but im really glad i was asked it..

i just wish i knew what i was doing..
and that i can stick to whatever i had in mind..
but i suck at sticking to my own plans, at least it seems this way in my situation..

im not going to go mess with someone elses life,
whether im capable of it or not, i dont want to try.

just random thoughts that you can read but not understand 0=)

what im up to... or why im doing what im doing...

i guess its time to post my draft..
but i cant find it -_-

but yea.. everyone thinks that theres something going on with me and him
(yea. him. i dont like using names in my blogs cause - not a good idea. bad experience)
through my eyes nothing is going on. but i know why you think the way you do.
*prays to God that he doesnt go on this and read and figures that its him..*


this all kinda starts relating TC.
when i found out who was on my team, some of the members of the team found out shortly(tho they shouldnt of -_-)
but someone warned me about one, and of his.. "condition" or his "state"?
i took it and considered it, but without a face and just the name, i forgot really soon.

so i met him during sr TC. he was in my group. i actually didnt notice he was him til the end, when she reminded me of him and asked what i thought. i totally forgot. (whoops..)
but since we were first told to continue communicating with our group - i did.
but then i personally already had that in mind, since i thought it was necessary, and the difference it seemed to make comparing with the previous year. NO communication. and TC dropped dead within the end of the week TC took place.
so i started to talk to my group individually.. and uhh continue learning their names (im not that good with names..)
so when i got to him, his name and his face finally clicked (dude. im slow, leave me alone)
getting to know him, i started to actually see a lot of myself in him,
we're both really.. stupid.
dont think its a good thing to just tell stuff about him here, since i know.. stuff. (errr)
but yea. i found that he was one of those kids that were forced to go to TC.. his dad signed him up.
so one thing i learned about him that i just cant seem to get out of my mind.. that he believed that there is a God, but doesnt believe that he can do much for him.
it kinda stuck me like.. what? i mean, thats like the one thing i feel from Him the most!
so he knows that God loves him. but doesnt believe it.
he has a past. and i guess i can see why he thinks this way because of it.

something else i learned. he's stubborn and can really close up on people if they dont do the right thing.
he trusts few. and since he trusts me, i want to bring him to know God, and feel his love.
how im going to do that is really unknown, and im just waiting for God to show me how.
i dont know what to do yet. and i just dont want him to shut me out.
explaining why im trying to get to know him, leaving him practically no time to get to know me.. (my bad)
anyway, yea to what someone said/asked in the car today, its only cause i know that he doesnt think of me as anything and that its all just brotherly sisterly.
no. we're not dating, he has a gf as of today actually. im just his really beloved gah jei thats like a mui mui..

*car ppl msg me on msn/fb or email... whatever suits youu

challenging a miracle

so now that my aunt lives over the doctor given expiry date,
we discover that her cancer now spread to her liver also.
on an avg, most patients live only a month after discovering so.


she's a miracle to begin with.
so strong.
but this cancer is deteriorating her both physically. mentally. again..
lost of hair.
nails grow black.

she's not Christian. she's just trying everything to get well again..
she's accepted Christ last time she was diagnosed with (breast)cancer..
but when she survived through that, she pushed God away..
she strives to be independent.
even when she's weak, she doesnt want to accept help..

when she was well, she would ask me in the most sarcastic tone:
"hows this church of yours?"
how insulted i was, knowing He has spared her once. as she pushed Him away..
how bad i felt, its requited love; He loves her, yet she doesnt know, or care?

how can i show her that she needs Him in her life?
how can i show her that she shouldnt ditch after she makes it through?
how can i show her commitment?

i love her so much, and i cant stand to see her not seeing the beauty of God in her life..


--i ask you to pray for her, that God would work his miracles on her, as man's medication has proven useless once again.

Disclaimer:

stolen from willio : ) thanksyouuu : P

Disclaimer:
The following TC REC presentation may offend the following people. Viewer discretion is advised.

fobs
nerds
band geeks
computer geeks
normal geeks
geeky geeks
losers
loners
those with A.D.D.
the hearing impaired
the blind
the mute
the lame in both senses
ugly people
pretty people
or both... pretty ugly people
smelly people
tall people
short people
round people
square people
or fat people
the socially awkward
the popular crew
the jocks
creepy people
real stalkers
fake stalkers
facebook stalkers
(what's the difference really?)
Chinese people and their moms
whites
blacks
Michael Jacksons
those who think and want to be black
browns
purples
reds
oranges
apples
bananas
natives
team captains
worship team
A/V crew
and of course TC media
people with weird laughs
those who can't dance
people who believe lyrical dancing is cool
nerds who pick their noses
people who pick their noses
fobs who do the fob pose
people who carry keyboards in their pants
people who wear suspenders
Gollum
Gollum lovers
people who listen to chinese worship songs
guys who wear heels
people who wear pantyhoses on their heads
kitchen staff
afc table
SMU
people at TC
coaches
TC REC
graphic designers
the Amish
Mormons
Catholics
hot girls
ugly girls
in between girls
hot boys
ok boys
"not so sure of what they are" boys
American Idols
Canadian Idols
Idols in the "East"
Calvinists
Arminians
fundamentalists
Charismatics who speak in tongues
"homies"
people who think they're "in"
...but really aren't
people who have "funny" theology
radical thinkers on the "left wing"
conservative thinkers on the "right wing"
people who think way "out there"
irrational post-modernists
people who use facebook
and finally...
YOUR FACE!

testing friendship

we've been pretty much best friends since grade 7
and we've never had a big fight,
we never grew much apart..

and now in grade 11, 4 years after we've met,
we face a possibility of not being so close anymore, is it now that we start growing away from each other?

my friends pregnant.
with her ex's baby.
most friends would ditch, especially when she's keeping that baby.
a lot of people are avoiding her now, even if they're not, they talk about her and think badly of her.

i dont know... but i heard this quote before..

--love them when they least deserve it, cause thats when they need it the most.

i just think that its really true,
when you did something wrong and you dont know what to do,
you want to talk to someone about it, but everyone judges you and wants nothing to do with you
it may be an accident, it may be on purpose,
but as long as you know that its wrong and made the wrong move.
i think that its important to have someone there so that can help you back on your feet again.

so even through this time when people leave, i choose to stay and accompany you.


--im going to be an auntieee at the age of 17.. DUDEEE

course selections

so what do i want to do or get into..
UHHH

elementary teacher and now considering highschool too..
and since i have a passion for animals and wildlife.. marine biologist.
then my mom says that i've been drawing and making things all my life and that i should consider design of some sort..

for elementary/highschool teacher, i need to know what i want to specify in.. which im unsure of. yay?

wildlife. marine biologist. the university that has a really good program for that is in guelf. i kinda want to stay in town. but as of right now, i just dont like it here. but that mite be just now?

design. i fully lost interest in communication technology and designing stuff with programs on the computer, likely caused by my lovely terrible tech teacher for two years.. so what am i going to do.. fashion design? ==" interior design? <= S

i really need to be more decisive.

all this over all this other stuff.. ah weee!

if i knew what to say

or how i really feel..


i would blog.

S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training)

<warning> i was really bored, and i got this off a friend.. : P

Memo to all students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T., they have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank You for your time.

Sincerely,
The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity Teaching. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)

i know why i do the things i do

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa

why do i do the things i do?

[this was written by mary, but i feel the same way, and i just cant find the words to say it]


The proverb is true. Hospitality causes the lightning to strike you. Sometimes you get paid with bad for doing good.

I call your name when you were alone and you don't answer.
I smile at you and you frown back at me.
I hold out my hand to you and you don't take it.
I talk to you and you don't listen.
I try to understand you and you blame me.

Why do I go out of my way to do these things to you then?

I didn't have to call your name... I just didn't want you to be lonely.
I didn't have to smile at you... I was sad.
I didn't have to give you my hand... I would have been quicker without you.
I didn't have to talk to you... I felt sick and wanted to go home.
I didn't have to try and understand you... it was your problem, not mine.

Why do I go out of my way to do these things to you then?

Sometimes I want to give up. I don't gain anything from being nice. If anything, I lose.

I don't understand. But I'm gonna keep doing the things I do cuz that's what Jesus would do.


i also do i because i love you, and i think of you as a friend

exams

hate 'em

hermiting

hermiting like a hermit would

i dont want to, but at the same time i do.


i want to hang out with my friends; but not if they dont want me around.
through their mouths, they say that they want me there.
but when im there, it doesnt feel that way...

i feel something in the air, that somethings wrong..
involves some of the people i care most about.
but i just cant put my finger on what it is..
its ruining us. we dont talk to each other. we're like acquaintances.
feels like im sitting under a smog cloud..
pressuring. depressing. sickening.

and why does everything feel or seem fake?
--i miss real hugs
that feeling when you get, the feeling that says 'ive missed you', 'glad to see you'.
saying it just doesnt seem the same..
mbee its cause they dont feel that way.

does a smile or laugh really mean happiness?
i mean, for me, once i hit a certain point of sad,
i notice how stupid i am for being that sad. that concerned. and that lonely,
that i literally break out laughing at myself.
that isnt happiness, thats pity.
but still, leave me when im laughing..
cause still its better than frowning
both frowns and smiles are contagious, isnt it better to spread a smile than a frown?

you say you have A.D.D.
its like we all do,
but learn to control it? not everyone has.. or wants to for that matter..
but would you let it take you when you're best friend is sad and needs you to listen?
[it doesnt matter if they were your best friend or not, they still dont deserve it.]
is it appropriate then? will it hurt someone, make them feel as they werent as important.
have you ever experienced a time when you were pouring your feelings out to someone and they were laughing at something behind you?
i dont know about you, but it doesnt feel that awesome..
my dad always tells me to have self control, and i think this one; A.D.D needs to be..

i watch out for others feelings cause mine were extremely hurt before.
that feeling ill never forget. and i cant stand not doing anything about it.
and so i watch out for others, that hopefully they wont need to go through it..
they say they'd do the same..
thanks. but show me, dont just tell me you're going to. do it.

did we forget what friends/sisters are like? i mean, is it really right to rather sit with a guy then with your sister? i swear we said that we'd look out for each other, be sisters. i thought a sister is always there for you, to talk and listen to. run to. someone that you feel safe with. looks our for you. wants the best for you. brings out the good in you. there for you. --loves you.
i dont have a sister, but i thought i knew the definition. am i wrong?


theres so much happening in my life right now
and i feel lonely.
God's there for me, i know.
but its like he wants me to try it first,
or just told me "brb"

everything's piling up,
to what i see now, all the parts in my life are a little bit crazy..
and there isnt a calm safe place i can be.

i just pray that Jesus, you'd pick me up and reassure me that you're there
and that everything will be ok,
that in the end, i would be alright..
im at the point of caving in, i cant hold all this up anymore.
i need a boost.

i know that hermiting is just hiding. and i dont want to hide anymore.

my prayer,

dear heavenly father,
i just come to you with all my heart, to show or tell you in words that i really miss that time where i was just on fire for you Lord God. my candle flame was burning bright, candle flame was what i had for you --the passion, and the wax around were the distractions. and it felt like my flame, my passion for you, melted away all the wax, the distractions.
but now it feels like the wax has puddled, and that puddle of wax and distractions are dimming that flame that i have you Lord.

[[note that theres a puddle under the flame]]

Lord, im not proud of this, but ashamed of myself for being so.. A.D.D. but to me, the first step is acceptance, and be aware that thats whats happening. so thats what im doing. admitting. accepting. and asking for you Lord God to help me. to just tip that little rim so that the waxy distractions and flow away.. or bring me back and help my flame grow even stronger to melt that rim of wax holding up the puddle of distractions..

[...]

im your beautiful most holy name, amen.

thurs. jan10.o8

its a new year, and the first thing to mark the new year would be winter retreat!
i had a lot of funn, but i dunno, somethings not right, and i cant seem to point my finger at it..

whatever it is, its making me not want to be here, i've said to someone before.
i mean really, the words that come out of their mouth says that they want me there,
but the look in their eyes says just the opposite.

i feel lost, like what am i suppose to do.. im not going to tell people what to do to help me feel accepted..
like i dont ask friends to respect me, thats just what they should be able to do without having to be said.


and on the other hand.. im drifting.. and its not like i just let go, or i was set free, im being pulled by friends from school.. considerably temptations to experience?
i know that friends from my school just dont have that much of a positive influence on me compared to the negative...

oh and its exams soon, 5 exams so far, and i have a feeling i might have more..
weee! i have to swimm too.. COLD. and co-ed. awkwarddd♪

yess.. i rant a lot here, so you dont have to hear it in person.